The Green Tea Mile

I Shan't Leave It Alone

Conrad not overly fond of green tea.  Gunpowder green – that’s a different story, as it’s an entirely different kind of tea.  And yes!  Still with the tea-based puns.  Conrad not keen on “The Green Mile” either.  Hollywood take note.

     Here’s the thing.  This being a blog, we can certainly present you with stuff to occupy the eyes, and even the ears, thanks to Links and our very occasional video.  If I wield the pen well enough then you may get a sense of what I’ve been eating (generally, food just this side of rotten).  What we cannot do, with the technology of 2027, is – oops, sorry, that comes of time-travelling too much – the technology of 2017, is gift you with scent.

     Fortunately for you.

     “But Conrad!” I hear you blench*.  “Wherefore and of what do you speak?”

Blanch.  Close enough.

     Well, The Mansion occupies a kind of watershed: from the front door you can observe the ceaseless traffic humming between Babylon-lite and Ur-ochdale.  From the back door it’s Tandle Hill Park and farmland.

     Where, let me tell you, they lay the manure on at this time of year.  Good lord aloft, the stench that assailed my nostrils as I got off the bus last night!  Ghastly.  No passing and transient zephyr this, no; this stink hung around and invited itself in.  You could have sliced it and served it up with chips.

     AND Conrad has no sense of smell.  Who knows how you humans must have suffered!

Typical human.

“Have Spacesuit Will Travel” by Robert Heinlein

Well now.  I haven’t read this in a geological age, and only bought it because I have fond memories of it as a smaller entity than I am now.  It is definitely of it’s time, although so far nobody has mentioned slide-rules, but we are less than half-way through it.  Mr H spends a lot of time and effort describing Kip’s effort to win a slogan competition, because the prize is an all-expenses paid trip to the Moon.  It will be a holiday destination in the future, apparently.  Who knew!

My old edition with the not-very-good cover

     You can tell it’s one of Mr H’s juveniles because he doesn’t lay the right-wing politics on very heavily.  Nor does he mention sex.

     It is an odd thing about Mr H – definitely a right-winger, yet with a very liberal approach to sex and sexuality that more belongs to some impossible tree-sloth – no, that was “Forbidden Planet”, wasn’t it?  Like a very crimson liberal indeed.

Death Cab For Cutie

Yes, today we are using the correct spelling.  I did pop into the now-handily located Fopp! Record shop last night after work, only to find that they didn’t have “Transatlanticism” in stock.  And that detour meant I missed the 24 bus.

     I realise this isn’t really news, it’s just that I like to keep you informed**.

BOOJUM! Reviews Films

In our accustomed manner.  That is to say, speculatively, shallowly and sardonically.  If you want a proper review, go speak to Mark Kermode, who is a big fan of the Comsat Angels, which is enough to save him or his descendants when my starship invasion fleet gets here.

     Okay, shall we review?

     “Victoria And Abdul”: Oh no.  Judi Dench as Queen Vic?  Get out of here with your Big Skirt Film!  A genre that Conrad has happily dismissed for decades***.  Who’s Abdul?  Who cares!

     “American Assassin”: Well, the title looks promising.  Unfortunately the posters are trying too hard to be all serious and gloomy and shizzle, and you can’t see a thing.  Not even a tagline.  Is it me, or is that title ambiguous?  Is he (presuming here yes but the odds are in my favour) an assassin from South Canada, or does he go around assassinating them?

     I think we should be told^.

American ass.  Close enough.

     “IT”: What?  “IT” tells one absolutely nothing about the film.  In fact there can be few film titles that are vaguer and less informative than this one.  The tagline doesn’t help AT ALL.  “You’ll float too”.  I beg your pardon?  Conrad may have lost weight thanks to his Hideous Wasting Disease, yet he remains a fairly hefty individual.  Floating is not on the agenda.

???

Finally –

Because that default Facebook description keeps coming up and mentioning tanks, here’s the Automitralleuse de Reconnaisance Renault Modele 1933, which was effectively a self-propelled machine gun.  Not that impressive if it came up against a tank with a real gun, although if all you had to defend yourself was skin and a greatcoat, then you were in trouble. 

Quiver in fear!

*  Yes this is a real word.

**  Informative, that’s me.

***  AKA chick flicks

^  Well, I should.  You lot can remain ignorant.