And
The Pot Of Loose Leaf Oolong
Oh that’s one to conjure
with! I could keep going for weeks with
that kind of title. But, mercifully for
yourselves, I shan’t*.
Here an aside. Even though J K Rowling is tremendously rich,
enormously wealthy and a major player, Conrad does not resent this one
bit. She came out of nowhere and did
very well for herself. Besides, HP and
his world is so tremendously British
-
Also tremendously British is the
weather. Conrad cannot but help think of
what those Roman legionnaires were pondering all that time ago, stood on the
frontier of Ultima Thule in the autumn mists, staring out into the rain and the
gloom and the rain and the fog and the rain and the wind and the rain.
“Did we really have to bring civilisation
to this bit of – of – well, sponge?”
Dear Lord aloft, the weather! Allow Art to illuminate you with a photo –
 |
| Well. Like sitting at the bottom of one. |
This is the view from the 18th
floor of the Dark Tower. It feels as if
the Last Wave has rolled in and drowned Gomorrah-on-the-Irwell in it’s briney
bosom. Once again I am minded of the
banner for the horror website “Quiet Earth”.
Hey, it’s great to look at,
not to live it.
Also tremendously British is our inability
to get the buses to run on time.
Yes! I was late in today, how did
you guess? How we ever conquered most of
the planet and managed to run it is a mystery to me.
Ottery
Saint Mary
As British as a bowler hat,
eh? This is a town in Devon, named after
the river Otter, which is named after the animal, which is – let’s stop right
there. The “Saint Mary” comes from being
the possession of a monastery in France way back when.
The reason it comes to mind and BOOJUM! is
because it got mentioned by a customer yesterday.
“Isn’t it something to do with Miss
Marple?” I queried. No, it wasn’t. I Googled the demesne and – definitely
nothing to do with Miss Marple or Agatha Christie.
Damn it all, I’ve heard it in connection
with something, probably a murder
mystery of some variety. But where?
It is home to the Tumbling Weir, which is
a rare type of circular weir. It may not
sound like much to you, but it’s big news in Ottery Saint Mary.
 |
| Tourist trap, Saint Mary style |
THE
HOUSE IS ON FIRE! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!
Actually it’s not. BUT IT MIGHT AS WELL BE!
I’m being cryptic again, aren’t I? Which word comes from the Greek “Kruptikos”
meaning “hidden”.
What I refer to is that Twitter theme of
punning about film or band names. Last
night it was #MakeABandGerman, and of course – of course! – your humble scribe
could not resist. As I stated, the house
could be collapsing in a heap of cinders and I’d still be at it.
What did I come up with? O I thought you’d never ask! Here are those I recall:
The Ben Folds Funf
Berlinda Ronstadt
Elbe
The Ju-52’s
Lubeck Reed
V2
SteppenFockeWolf
Dresdennis Wilson
Steely Danzig
Steeleye Spanzer
Puns.
Really, I can give them up any time I want. Really.
| Danzig |
Conrad
Is Puzzled
I mean, how can “Strictly Come
Dancing” be a real thing? Your modest
artisan is convinced the whole thing is an enormous practical joke and in the
near future the panel of judges will appear on the Nine O’Clock News and admit
it was all a hoax.
However, this is not what I want to talk
about**. I’m sure you recall that the
only effective Anti-Ballistic Missile system currently extant is the A135
version around Moscow. Not so helpful if
you live in Nizhny Novgorod or Omsk, but still –
The thing is, this system utilises the
‘Gazelle’ missile as an interceptor; I think the Ruffians were going for
something evocative along the lines of “fleet-footed”. Personally I think they ought to have gone
with “Behemoth” or “Enormous Hammer”, since the Gazelle carries a 10 kiloton
nuc – er – foofoodilly***.
 |
| Yes, it does look similar to the South Canadian "Sprint" |
“But – but – why is this an issue?” I hear
you call. Foolish audience! Do you not remember your instruction in
Electro-Magnetic Pulse phenomena?
The Gazelle Massive Mallet has an
operational ceiling of 50 miles (or 80 of those horrid metric kilometres), and
you would expect it to intercept at as great a height as possible, to ensure
that the incoming bus hasn’t time to release a swarm of MIRV or MARV warheads.
However!
This is the perfect height for inflicting a potentially crippling EMP in
the footprint below. So, your incoming
South Canadian Minuteman might very well have been turned into a large cloud of
vapourised plasma, but everything electrical or electronic below it will suffer
catastrophic burn-out, possibly over hundreds of square miles.
Remember, today’s electronic equipments,
including that phone you love more than life itself, are about ONE MILLION
TIMES more vulnerable than the venerable old valve technology of the Fifites.
 |
| First example of EMP - Starfish Prime, when it was acceptable to set off foofoodillies in the atmosphere |
* Or shall I – after all, the
only one here to make me keep my promises is - me. And you know me …
** That’s BOOJUM! for you –
unreliable witness.
*** In case of both IT and UNIT
snooping
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