Harry Tea-Potter –

And The Pot Of Loose Leaf Oolong

Oh that’s one to conjure with!  I could keep going for weeks with that kind of title.  But, mercifully for yourselves, I shan’t*.

     Here an aside.  Even though J K Rowling is tremendously rich, enormously wealthy and a major player, Conrad does not resent this one bit.  She came out of nowhere and did very well for herself.  Besides, HP and his world is so tremendously British -

     Also tremendously British is the weather.  Conrad cannot but help think of what those Roman legionnaires were pondering all that time ago, stood on the frontier of Ultima Thule in the autumn mists, staring out into the rain and the gloom and the rain and the fog and the rain and the wind and the rain.

     “Did we really have to bring civilisation to this bit of – of – well, sponge?”

     Dear Lord aloft, the weather!  Allow Art to illuminate you with a photo –

 

Well.  Like sitting at the bottom of one.

     This is the view from the 18^th floor of the Dark Tower.  It feels as if the Last Wave has rolled in and drowned Gomorrah-on-the-Irwell in it’s briney bosom.  Once again I am minded of the banner for the horror website “Quiet Earth”.  Hey, it’s great to look at, not to live it.

     Also tremendously British is our inability to get the buses to run on time.  Yes!  I was late in today, how did you guess?  How we ever conquered most of the planet and managed to run it is a mystery to me.

Ottery Saint Mary

As British as a bowler hat, eh?  This is a town in Devon, named after the river Otter, which is named after the animal, which is – let’s stop right there.  The “Saint Mary” comes from being the possession of a monastery in France way back when.

     The reason it comes to mind and BOOJUM! is because it got mentioned by a customer yesterday.

     “Isn’t it something to do with Miss Marple?” I queried.  No, it wasn’t.  I Googled the demesne and – definitely nothing to do with Miss Marple or Agatha Christie. 

     Damn it all, I’ve heard it in connection with something, probably a murder mystery of some variety.  But where?

     It is home to the Tumbling Weir, which is a rare type of circular weir.  It may not sound like much to you, but it’s big news in Ottery Saint Mary.

Tourist trap, Saint Mary style

THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!  THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!

Actually it’s not.  BUT IT MIGHT AS WELL BE! 

     I’m being cryptic again, aren’t I?  Which word comes from the Greek “Kruptikos” meaning “hidden”.

     What I refer to is that Twitter theme of punning about film or band names.  Last night it was #MakeABandGerman, and of course – of course! – your humble scribe could not resist.  As I stated, the house could be collapsing in a heap of cinders and I’d still be at it.

     What did I come up with?  O I thought you’d never ask!  Here are those I recall:

The Ben Folds Funf

Berlinda Ronstadt

Elbe

The Ju-52’s

Lubeck Reed

V2

SteppenFockeWolf

Dresdennis Wilson

Steely Danzig

Steeleye Spanzer

     Puns.  Really, I can give them up any time I want.  Really.

Danzig

Conrad Is Puzzled

I mean, how can “Strictly Come Dancing” be a real thing?  Your modest artisan is convinced the whole thing is an enormous practical joke and in the near future the panel of judges will appear on the Nine O’Clock News and admit it was all a hoax.

     However, this is not what I want to talk about**.  I’m sure you recall that the only effective Anti-Ballistic Missile system currently extant is the A135 version around Moscow.  Not so helpful if you live in Nizhny Novgorod or Omsk, but still –

     The thing is, this system utilises the ‘Gazelle’ missile as an interceptor; I think the Ruffians were going for something evocative along the lines of “fleet-footed”.  Personally I think they ought to have gone with “Behemoth” or “Enormous Hammer”, since the Gazelle carries a 10 kiloton nuc – er – foofoodilly***. 

Yes, it does look similar to the South Canadian "Sprint"

     “But – but – why is this an issue?” I hear you call.  Foolish audience!  Do you not remember your instruction in Electro-Magnetic Pulse phenomena?

     The Gazelle Massive Mallet has an operational ceiling of 50 miles (or 80 of those horrid metric kilometres), and you would expect it to intercept at as great a height as possible, to ensure that the incoming bus hasn’t time to release a swarm of MIRV or MARV warheads.

     However!  This is the perfect height for inflicting a potentially crippling EMP in the footprint below.  So, your incoming South Canadian Minuteman might very well have been turned into a large cloud of vapourised plasma, but everything electrical or electronic below it will suffer catastrophic burn-out, possibly over hundreds of square miles.

     Remember, today’s electronic equipments, including that phone you love more than life itself, are about ONE MILLION TIMES more vulnerable than the venerable old valve technology of the Fifites.

First example of EMP - Starfish Prime, when it was acceptable to set off foofoodillies in the atmosphere

*  Or shall I – after all, the only one here to make me keep my promises is - me.  And you know me …

**  That’s BOOJUM! for you – unreliable witness.

***  In case of both IT and UNIT snooping