Manchester Citea

Yes, This Is About The Ballfoot Game
And no, BOOJUM! has not been taken over by some human replacement impostor for your beloved alien spy, this is still me.  You can tell because we're still making terrible puns about tea.

Gasp in awe at a remote-control wheelbarrow!
Which admittedly is nothing whatsoever to do with football.

     "Gasp!" I hear you express your surprise.  "How can this be?"
     It is true that Conrad fails to express interest in those proper expressions of male Hom. Sap. manliness, cars and sport.  To me, a car is a metal box with a wheel at each corner; you put magic juice in and it goes from A to B.  Sport consists of people sweating mightily at different things that reduce the amount of time you have to read books or do crosswords, and that includes the ballfoot game.

A football

     Here an aside.  Many years ago I did see a fascinating BBC documentary on the finances involved in the Premier league, including how much some clubs were in the red: they focussed specifically on Manchester United, who at that point owed something like £950 million, which is a pretty hefty chunk of change.  The problem then was that the club was owned by a South Canadian business family, whose businesses across the Pond were in financial trouble - so all the profits that the football club generated went to prop up their window business.  Something like that.  I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that United now only owe £450 million - Phew!
     Back to football.  There I was in my Sekrit Layr, reading about neutron flux with the windows open - even a nerd acknowledges his room needs airing at times - when I heard loud, aggrieved voices outside.  Some chap was holding forth.
     "They scored in the 97th minute!" he informed his companions, to muted muttering.  I don't think this fact rated as highly to his audience as it did to him.
     Conrad stores this information away in the "Will never be needed" mental filing box, that is, until he reads a comment on Facebook from John, who is a staunch Manchester United fan.

A Pronghorn antelope.
Why?  Why not!

     "Citeh fans can't complain about Fergie time now," he put, which probably needs a little explanation.  "Citeh" refers to Manchester City, the deadly metropolitan rivals of Manchester United; if it was a case of being hit by a meteorite or having their rivals win the <thinks hard> Milk Cup (?) then fans of both clubs would choose annihilation*.  "Fergie" refers to Sir Alex Ferguson, legendary Scottish manager of United.  I think "Fergie time" refers to the last few minutes of extended play in a ballfoot game; from my admittedly miniscule information, time is added-on to the normal 90 minutes for - er - all sorts of things.  Pitch invasions, alien invasions, meteorite impacts, probably.
     To confirm my suspicions I checked out the Beeb's ballfoot pages, and - yes! - find that Manchester City scored a late winner in the 97th minute of their game versus - versus - actually I forget, but it began with a "B".  Blackpool?  Bristol?  Brighton and Hove Albion?

Manchester City.
The centre, anyway

Good lord aloft!  Two thirds of our way to count, and all to do with the ballfoot game!  Quick, whilst we're being controversial and going against type, let's throw in that Shakespoke that was deemed tooooo edgy and political and current affairs-y.

Shakespoke
Whilst we normally tend to avoid Politics here, lest we offend potential readers, it has to be admitted that the far-right extremists really press Conrad's Hate Button.  Why this is so I cannot tell - after all, there are far-left and religious extremists of equally repellent stripe, whom I can treat with scornful derision and sneering disdain, but whom simply don't get the old Frothing Nitric Ire going.  Anyway, let us simultaneously offend right wingers and fans of Windbag Willy.  Go!

"Something wicked this way comes,"

It's the alt-right, beating drums.

Conrad thinks them utter scums,

Who should be force-fed laburnums.

     The laburnum tree - whose timber was once used to make bagpipes - is toxic in all it's parts, though not to the extent of killing people.  It will render you generally sorrowful at being present on this sinful planet, though.

Dine away, Richardheads

A Slight Apology
I was so busy gloasting about being dead hip and trendy with my Death Cab For Cutie reference about "Transatlanticism" that I didn't include a link.  So!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3b6hDCIeDk

     Here you go.  Be advised that it's an audio track with no video, if you want that you have to go out and get it yerself.

"Hello?  Is that the RSPB?  Listen -"

*  I exaggerate, but only slightly.