You May Remember This From A While Back
Plummet Airlines were a band from the mid to late Seventies, whom I remember from being on John Peel, because I have a retentive memory for nonsense like that. They were alright and did modestly well when around. Art!
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| Continuing the aviation theme |
I am minded of that sketch from the above, about flying sheep. Or, rather, sheep attempting to fly. As we both surely realise, sheep are in no way designed to fly, and they don't have the mechanical skills with which Hom. Sap. overcomes their own deficiency in this area.
Notice that they do not so much fly as... plummet. (Baaa baaa... flap flap... thud.)
A quote from said sketch. DO NOT CONTINUE TO DO MONTY PYTHON SKETCHES. This has been a strict rule in several office environments that Your Humble Scribe has worked in.
Here an aside. Yes yes yes, it IS to do with flying. In mid 1917, during the First Unpleantness, Manfred Von Richthofen got permission from his higher-ups to combine four Teuton 'Jastas' into one large formation, full of the very best pilots flying the latest aircraft. It became known as a 'Flying Circus', partly because of the multi-coloured paint schemes adopted by the pilots - Art!
Partly because they were a shiftless and transient formation, constantly on the move to wherever a temporary air superiority was needed. ANYWAY as you may have guessed, this Intro is about the torrid time that transport by air is having in Ruffia. Unlike the beautifully compact nature of This Sceptred Isle, Ruffia is the biggest country on the planet and needs air transport to move people and supplies around. This is especially true for the inhabitants of cities, towns and villages within the Arctic Circle, where there is simply no road or rail route in or out.
All data courtesy Joe Blogs, derived from official Ruffian sources, with additional local colour thanks to Conrad.
RUFFIAN AIRLINES: Looking at the statistics for Passengers Carried (PAX), these initially look quite handsome. November 2023 saw 3.6 million PAX as opposed to a mere 2.9 million in 2022. For the 11 months to date of 2023, 46.3 million PAX versus 37.6 million in 2022. Looks pretty good, hmmmm? Wellllll that is until you realise the problems Aeroflot has suffered with parts, servicing, maintenance, software and capital funding. All thanks to sanctions. Art!
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More like 'Aeroflop'
O my biting caustic wit! |
SANCTIONS: Of the 1,000 commercial aircraft that Ruffia had pre-Special Idiotic Operation, 872 were leased from Boeing or Airbus, or 77% if you pine for percentages. Western sanctions immediately hit this fleet when the Ruffians refused to return them to the lessors - essentially stealing them. 78 of these planes were abroad when the SIO began and were thus promptly interned. Losing nearly 8% of your stolen fleet right off the bat is - well, it's not good.
Sanctions meant that expired parts couldn't be replaced when inventory ran out, and thanks to Chipmunk Cheeks not telling anyone about his SIO ahead of time, there hadn't been any chance to build up a reserve. Just as serious was the immediate cessation of software updates, because today's airliners have a ton of computers interfacing with and controlling everything. Art!
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| So many controls! |
Thus, legally, these planes couldn't be flown. Except remember how Ruffia needs air transport? So Peter The Average forced through laws that kept these aircraft flying. Short-term solution to a long-term problem.
AIRPLANE STRIPPING: WASH OUT YOUR FILTHY MINDS! No, this is nothing to do with cabin crew making money on the side. Rather, the number of Boeing and Airbus craft now in the air is down to 450, because they are cannibalising the other 422 for spare parts. This is obviously a wasting resource and the projection is that in 12 months the flying airframes will be down to 350 or less. Lack of spare parts for brakes has led to pilots using aircraft's engine thrust to slow planes on the tarmac. Yeah, great, except if this was sensible or safe then aircraft wouldn't need brakes in the first place. Art!
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| Ongoing since August 2022 |
RUSSIAN AIRCRAFT AND TSAR PUTIN: In order to deal with this shrinking fleet of aircraft, the Fun-Sized Foot Fiddler has decreed that 1,000 new planes need to be built by 2030. This is 166 planes per year, which is about the same number China has produced over half-a-dozen years - and they're not sanctioned up the wazoo, so can happily fill their jets to the value of 50% Western components. Art!
PROGNOSIS: There have been no major Ruffian aviation disasters. So far. Konstantin, the 'Big K' of "Inside Russia", refuses to travel on Ruffian aircraft as he considers them so dangerous and that 2024 is probably going to usher in a real tragedy. We know that two Ruffian jets have made emergency landings, without casualties, which phenomenon is only likely to increase. And no, China cannot step into the breach as their own airliner industry is both new and small in scale. Ruffia itself lacks the capital to create any new airline industries. JB finished by pointing out that Ruffian airlines have been given a $12 billion subsidy, which is great, except - that word again - it came from the National Wealth Fund. You know, the fund that's also propping up the ruble and paying the national monthly deficit.
Ooo-err Matron!
"Space 1999: Force Of Life"
Conrad remembers watching this first time around, where an unfortunate Ian McShane gets firstly zapped by a glowing alien light-source - always a bad sign - and later zapped by one of the Moonbase sidearms. Art!
It most emphatically is NOT a 'Stun gun', as it is quite capable of blowing holes in the scenery - when the plot calls for it. Actually, having a beam weapon like this in a lunar environment is common sense; anything that fires a bullet risks breaking vacuum seals and causing blowouts, as hap ANYWAY McShane's character gets a fatal zapping from a Sidearm, or so they think. Art!
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| Crispy, as baked potatoes were before microwaves |
In fact it renders him unto what "Science Fiction Monthly" evocatively described as 'a baked potato on legs'. So far I think the body count has been 16 from the original Moonbase total of 311. It's not clear if that includes the Commissioner so lets say 312.
"The War Illustrated"
Dog Buns, the season of peace and goodwill is over, so I'm going to add another photo from the magazine. Art!
The caption states that this is dug-in British infantry before they took San Angelo (in Italy). Weapons buffs can note the Bren, Thompson sub-machine gun and Lee Enfield Mk. 7. Having a Thompson - from where we derive the slang 'Tommy-gun' - is a mark of favour, as they were expensive and normally got replaced by the much shoddier (and cheaper!) Sten gun. Note also the chap running IN FRONT of all the guns, which is pretty stupid because what if they begin firing? He is also wearing what appears to be a camouflaged jerkin, an item of kit I've not seen before.
Two photos. So sue me. These show something of the polyglot nature of the Allied forces in Italy, as these soldiers are French - you can tell by the Adrian helmets they're wearing. The French were specialists in mountain warfare, which was handy in mountainous Italy. That knocked-out Teuton vehicle is NOT a 'Mark III tank', it's a Sturmgeshutz, an assault gun based on a Mark III chassis. Just so you know.
"City In The Sky"
We're beginning to get to the root of what's caused an outbreak of fever aboard Arcology One.
‘No, God be thanked!’ Davy
responded like a medic. ‘Also, Barclay
is exaggerating. The disease isn’t a
plague, bacillus pestis or anything
like that – for which we are grateful – and is more like - ’
‘A fever with high temperature, debilitating pains, light sensitivity,
nausea, yes, yes, yes.’
‘How did you know?’ asked a bewildered Davy. Could the little man see into orbit from
Downstairs?
‘Alex has already suffered a similar attack in New Eucla. It passed within a day. I suggest you triage your patients and devote
the most care and pharmaceutical attention to the old, the very young and the
infirm. Everyone else will get better on
their own.’
A nasty suspicious feeling came over Davy.
‘Doctor Smith, did you intend to deliberately spread this disease up
here?’
‘Certainly not!’ came the indignant response, followed closely by an
embarassed cough. ‘I intended to use
Alex as a guinea pig, to see if you lot could survive Downstairs without being
wiped out by novel diseases. You can.’
‘Pretty cold-blooded,’ accused Davy.
‘You wouldn’t have let me bring him if I’d told you the whole
story. Now, I need to speak to Ace,
quickly.’
He's not denying it, though, is he?
Finally -
Your Modest Artisan now needs to take a trot into Lesser Sodom, in order to get hold of some double cream for my ice cream recipe, and to see if anything is going cheap. Christmas Eve was a complete bust on that score so I am not holding any great hopes. But we shall see.
Kwaheri!
