Search This Blog

Tuesday 28 February 2023

Dog Buns!

We Are Out Of Milk

I had to top up my porridge with water this morning.  Conrad foresees a visit to Lesser Sodom in the near future.
     ANYWAY on to other meatier matters.  Art!

     Yes it's a giant killer robot.  No, it's not a carton of milk.  Because that would be boring.  Come on, when's the last time you got excited about pouring semi-skimmed onto your breakfast?  Or even skimme
     ANYWAY I have been watching "All Quiet On The Western Front" in the latest iteration, and am up to the first week or so in November 1918.  Let me jar Art into consciousness with this white-hot pitchfork -

     This is where the French army counter-attacks with first, tanks, and then massed flammenwerfers.  Props to the studio for coming up with convincing St. Chamond tanks, which in real life were a bit rubbish thanks to being far too long for their tracks.  Art! O stop whining and put some Sudocrem on it.
CAUTION!  Close proximity is hazardous to health

     I don't suppose that's any comfort to you if you've just been perforated by machine gun fire.     
     The thing is, by this point in the First Unpleasantness the Teutons didn't have any elaborate field fortifications as shown, because they were constantly retreating.  What they did was halt on river or canal lines and defend those, unsuccessfully.  Which would be complicated to stage and film, one supposes.
     O and the tanks would more likely have been the Renault Ft17, which the French army fielded in large numbers in 1918, which were light and relatively nippy, just not as imposing as the St. Chamond.  Art!

     Ft 17s in South Canadian service, with puny humans for scale.  Those flamethrowers you s
"The Thing?  Flamethrowers?  R J McReady ever steady!"

     <Conrad shakes head>  - ah - no, RJ, it was simply an expression, no roasting required.  The door is that way.
     Now you understand why I said 'Flammenwerfer'.  What I was going to say <pauses until front door is heard to slam shut> is that these were a Teuton invention, that the French reverse-engineered and took great delight in using against their inventors.  
     One of the characters in the negotiating Teuton party also makes a salient point; that there are 250,000 South Canadian troops arriving in France every week.  The Teutons couldn't do anything to interrupt or retard this process because their High Seas Fleet cowered in it's home ports and the U-boats had been foiled by the convoy system.
     I have to say that this iteration of AQOTWF doesn't stint on what a ghastly and dehumanising business war is, there's no glory here, only tragedy.  Art!

     I shall stop blathering here or the whole blog will be about whether the tunic buttons were the right size or not, because wh


The Fine Art Of Manglement
Most of these stories tend to be about South Canadian employers, because they seem to have the attitude that anyone working for them is a slave without rights or entitlements.
     Okay, so Original Poster was Contracts Manager for a large construction company, who were working on a large project.  Whoever had done the initial estimates had made an utter bodge of them and quoted a price far too low, which was compounded by management at the very top shaving even more off the budget.  The company was losing tens of millions of dollars on the project.

     The plan was to hire a consultant used to dealing with Federal agencies, and file a 'Total Cost' claim, which was essentially a 'Desperate Plea' for more money.  They ran it past OP, who pointed out that the private company they were dealing with was not a government agency and that the whole plan could backfire appallingly by enraging them with 'Attempted Extortion'.
     So, they did the obvious and - fired OP.

     He found out a couple of months afterward that the customer did indeed explode with rage, threaten to end the contract immediately and demanded exclusion from all claims since the start of the contract.  The board capitulated immediately because they couldn't afford to pay $500,000 per week to their construction workers if the contract was ended.
     The company went bankrupt six months later.  OP vindicated!


"The Sea Of Sand"
The Doctor has finally admitted that he and Sarah are travellers in time, which has led to some incomprehension amongst their audience.

Torrevechio shrugged his shoulders fluidly and spouted a stream of Italian, mimicking an elephant with one arm flapping against his face.

          ‘Quite,’ replied the Doctor, drily.  ‘He says belieiving Sarah and I come from the future is less difficult than believing in column-like creatures who drain life.’

          That riposte stopped Roger dead in his rant. 

          Damn it, they had to be lying!  Except why would they make up such a bizarre, not to mention insane, story and expect people to believe it?  Then there were those coins.  And the nose-goblins.  So far, in fact, neither of the two had been caught out in sabotage.

          Albert and Templeman were arguing with each other over whether time-travel was possible in theory.  Albert held that it was, the Professor denied the slightest chance.

          ‘Suppose we accept your story?  What have you come to the past to do, or see, or get?’

          That took a little explaining.  The Doctor, drawing on historical knowledge rarely needed and a bit rusty in the recall, informed his audience that the Afrika Korps would be here by the beginning of April.  If the bio-vores were not dealt with by then, the arrival of thousands of humans would simply provide the aliens with thousands of victims.  Nor could they assume the bio-vores would be vulnerable in the future as they were in the past.  They might lack the wheel, petroleum and aircraft, but they were still highly advanced; their recent encounters would have been analysed and studied, with countermeasures devised.

     No wheels?  I'd forgotten that fact.


More Of The Prof
Professor Jeffrey Sonnenfeld, that is, of Yale University's School Of Management, a stellar economist who was interviewed on the DW Youtube vlog.
     The Prof pointed out that Ruffian oil is difficult to extract, both because their technology is outdated and the oil fields are in hard-to-reach places in Siberia.  Art!

     It costs them $45 per barrel to extract Urals crude oil, and an additional $10 to $12 per barrel to transport it by tanker, so at the current price of $55 per barrel the Ruffians are actually losing money on oil exports.  If they'd signed up to the EU's price cap they'd be making a few dollars profit per barrel, but Peter The Average won't do that as it makes him look weak, so weak he might suffer from fenestrophilia.  Overall, according to the Prof, Russia is losing $500,000,000 PER DAY in it's sales of oil and gas.  That's a $180 billion annual black hole that's not going to get fixed.


The Death Ray Is Real
Suchomimus put up a short Youtube clip of a Ruffian ARK-1 mobile counter-battery radar vehicle being destroyed - by a Ukrainian artillery battery <insert joke in poor taste here>.  Art!

     Here's one in running order.  What impressed me was Sucho's reading off a salient fact about this equipment; the radar emits radiation in such amounts that it's unsafe to be within 600 yards of it.  Presumably the crew are shielded by the hull, or this is where the Ruffian equivalent of the Fantastic Four comes from.
     So, the next time you play 'Red Alert' don't scoff quite so much at the technology you see.


Finally -
A bite for lunch and then I think a trip into Lesser Sodom is called for.  Can't have milkless porridge tomorrow!


Monday 27 February 2023

Food And Maths

Most People Are Fonder Of Food Than Maths

So we'll start with food for the Intro.

     Okay, here an aside.  Yes, already!  I finished watching "1917" last night, and give it a qualified thumbs up.  Art!


     'Qualified' because I didn't see any Lewis guns.  By this point in the war every platoon in the British army had a Lewis light machine gun.  Deduct one point, Mister Mendes.  I also saw a Lee-Enfield rifle mounting the wire-cutters widely distributed at the beginning of the Battle of the Somme.  Art!


     They weren't very effective and got binned fairly quickly in later 1916, so why someone still has one attached to their rifle a year later is a bit sus.

     Also, 'D' Company of the Devons are shown listening to a soldier singing with rapt attention.  Hmmmmm whilst this is possible it's not probable.  Captain J. C. Dunn, in "The War The Infantry Knew", describes an evenings entertainment, which included what he described as 'Welsh glees', apparently a variety of song.  Although very well done, the soldiers treated these as an opportunity to decamp and have a comfort break or to light up a fag.  Art!

Possibly the best book on the First Unpleasantness ever

     Your Humble Scribe is now watching the recent version of "All Quiet On The Western Front" and I will, of course, be watching like a cross between an eagle and a raptor for any mistakes.  Be warned, it's not exactly a feast of laughs.

     ANYWAY back to food.  Conrad kept forgetting that there was a jar with my home-made Kim Chee in the cupboard - there's a jar of pickled mushrooms in there as well - so yesteryon I bit the bullet and made Debbie Lee's 'Stir-fried Pork and Kim Chee' with a remaindered pork chop discovered at the Co-Op.  Art!


     It was mighty filling stuff, especially when eaten with a packet of remaindered egg noodles.  

     One of the things about Korean dishes is that a lot call for a fried egg on top when complete.  Okaaaaaay.  The thing is, whenever I fry an egg in a saucepan, it splays out all over the place.  So I bought this - Art!


     Does it work?  Well, kind of.  It keeps most of the egg in the ring, but some does still ooze out underneath.  Call it a work in progress.

     When I visited Sainsbo's on Saturday, to get more loose-leaf Darjeeling, THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY!  <picture Conrad in a snarling rage here>.  So as a consolation I bought this packet.  Art!

With sausage fingers for scale

     Polish, you see.

     When the family returned from their Saturday excursion, they came bearing gifts, without saying exactly what they were,  to which Conrad's first query is always 'Can you eat it?'

     Yes.  Yes, you can.  Art!



     The Gin Pickled Gherkins are just the same as normal gherkins, frankly, as there's only 2% gin.  However! the Habanero Relish is delish and that jar won't last long.  Probably going to have it with lunch.

     Motley!  We're going to play Barbed Wire Hurdling.  You first.


Lies, Damn Lies - And Ruffian Statistics

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Professor Jeffrey Sonnenfeld of Yale University's School Of Management.  Art!


     The Prof was interviewed on DW's Youtube channel about the real economic situation in Ruffia, and especially about the figures for 2023's GDP in that country as estimated by both the International Monetary Fund and the World Bank.  The IMF forecast is for 0.3% expansion, WB forecasts a -1% decrease.
     Prof S. put the kibosh on both figures.  The IMF and WB are merely taking their figures from those put out by Rosstat, which company has had three different CEOs in the past year until Putin found a spineless apparatchik to do his bidding.  Not only do neither organisation have critical data such as figures for imports and exports or foreign direct investment, most of the IMF analysts are Russian themselves.  Art!
A.k.a. "I muffed it"

     The interviewer asked if the Prof could come up with a figure for this debatable GDP, and he frankly admitted he couldn't as there just isn't the data available to make an educated assessment.  However, YSoM has contacted organisations selling to and buying from the Ruffians, and none of their data supports anything except a very negative economic assessment.  As a metric, the Prof mentioned that car-making in Ruffia is down 99% overall, and the retail sector is down 65%.
     In case you were wondering, neither of those is good.
     There's quite a bit more, which I'm going to come back to.
     TLDR: Ruffian economy in the toilet

Short And Sweat

Another tale of manglement, because who doesn't enjoy seeing idiots get their sweaty desserts?

     Okay, Original Poster was a computer whiz kid brought in to modernise the IT systems, moving from punch cards to floppy disks, way back when floppies were state-of-the-art.  Art!

NOTE LABELS

     Being a rather shady company, OP was fired 2 weeks before he became eligible for Unfair Dismissal rights.  Being diligent and conscientious, he compiled everything necessary on floppy disks: payroll, ledgers, creditors, orders and master disks, ALL CAREFULLY LABELLED so that whoever came after him would be fully up to speed.

     Did I mention shady?  The owner's wife, being suspicious and paranoid and idiotic, removed all the labels and threw them out.  O dearie me.  Now they had no idea what was on which, and nobody with the computer skills to find out.  I bet they came out in a cold sweat when they realised this.  Art!

Dublin

     Their computer support hub was in Dublin.  Did I mention shady?  The support team had been stiffed by this company once already, and ignored any requests for help.  What Shady, Inc. should have done was contract OP and pay him handsomely to resolve things.  I should have added ' - and too proud' to that list of negative qualities, because they never bothered, and by the time they did get a person skilled and able to help -

     They'd gone bust.


"The Sea Of Sand"

Sarah and the Doctor are rather bending the minds of their audience with information about how the war is going to unfold in the future.

This news fell on disbelieving ears.

          ‘The Jerries and the Ruskies are best pals,’ argued Tam.

          ‘They are not!’ replied Sarah hotly.  ‘They avoided fighting each other so they could pick on other countries.’

          ‘What about here in the desert?’ asked Dominione, once the speeches were translated.

          Imperiously, the Doctor waved his arms.

          ‘Mixed fortunes for both sides.  The British and Commonwealth finally win the decisive battle of the desert war at El Alamein and that seals the doom of the Axis in the desert.’

          Everyone listening exchanged glances.  Albert drew the Professor aside and asked questions about temporal paradoxes, leading into a heated debate.

          ‘El Alamein!  That’s practically at the gates of Cairo!’ objected Roger, his tone as hot as Sarah’s of a few seconds before.

          ‘My uncles fought there,’ added Sarah, confusing past and present.  ‘I mean, they will fight there.’

          ‘You’re both completely bloody potty,’ snarled Roger, ‘absolutely round the twist.’

     O yes, Roger, and what about the bio-vores?


Justice Is Done!

One of my favouritest films of 2022 was "Everything Everywhere All At Once", which has just been graced with triumph at the Screen Actors Guild awards.  Art!

Hoorah!

     Conrad was further surprised that this bonkersly entertaining romp cost $25 million, because it looks more like $100 million, which is about what it made worldwide.


Finally -

Time for lunch and some of that Habanero Relish.  See you on the other side!





Sunday 26 February 2023

Booking Lack

No, Only Kidding

'Looking Back', as we do on a Sunday.  I've also just realised that the Mavericks are playing in Gomorrah-on-the-Irwell tonight - it COMPLETELY slipped my mind and now it's too late to go.  Blimey, what old age and gin does to one's memory.  Conrad hopes Shelly can forgive.

     ANYWAY let me prod Art into consciousness with this skewer -


     Conrad suspects - strongly suspects - that "Edward De Roo" is a pen-name and not the name that the author's parents bestowed upon him.  You might, if you weren't wearing your spectacles, imagine that this work is about exotic fruits and an exhortation to become more like them, which is daft, admittedly.  However I will counter that with "Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said".

     Not sure exactly what a 'Jungle on wheels' is.  I mean, your typical car in no way resembles a tree.

2022

BOOJUM!: Starry Eyed (comsatangel2002.blogspot.com)

BOOJUM!: Sorry, Busy Winning At Wordle (comsatangel2002.blogspot.com)

2021

BOOJUM!: What's In A Word (comsatangel2002.blogspot.com)

2020

BOOJUM!: Thinking (comsatangel2002.blogspot.com)

2019

BOOJUM!: R.I.P. Robert Calvert (comsatangel2002.blogspot.com)

2018

BOOJUM!: No, Really! (comsatangel2002.blogspot.com)

2017

BOOJUM!: The Irony, It Kills! (comsatangel2002.blogspot.com)

2016

BOOJUM!: What's In A Name? (This Isn't The Same) (comsatangel2002.blogspot.com)

2015

BOOJUM!: The Sinister SOLE of Cheryl COLE! (comsatangel2002.blogspot.com)

2014

BOOJUM!: Normal Service Restored. I Hope! (comsatangel2002.blogspot.com)






THESUPERBOWL

 Ha!  Sometimes I Amuse Even Myself

Okay, that lack of spacing and use of upper case is entirely deliberate, because of course - obviously! - some folks with read it as 'The Superbowl', which entity is apparently not an item of porcelain bathroom furniture but a sporting event, at which point Conrad tunes out.  No, you should be reading it as "The Superb Owl", because why not?  Art!


     Yes, that's Nite Owl from "Watchmen", or the second iteration of same.  His schtick was - well, apart from being a parody of Batman - everything had to be owl-themed.  Pretty obviously his costume, and specifically his hovership 'Ozzie' - Art!


     Actually it's full name was 'Archimedes'. named after the owl in T.H. White's "The Once And Future King".  There was even an exo-skeleton with an owl motif, which I can't find any pictures of and am too lazy to dig out my copy of 'Watchmen' to illustrate with.

     Nite Owl Mark 2 hid the identify of one Dan Dreiberg, an independently wealthy bloke with a keen interest in ornithology.  The original Nite Owl was one Hollis Mason, who had no technology at his disposal, merely a body honed by 4 hours daily of gymnastics and work-outs, and a pair of fists as hard as teak.  Art!

Nite Owl 1 Screaming Skull 0

     By daytime Mason was a law-abiding citizen, as well as being a policeman, and by night a vigilante able to take on what the police couldn't.

     Inevitably, having mentioned TSITS, I now have to provide an image of Archimedes, so let me gently awaken Art with this cattle-prod -

Grumpy, anthropomorphic and not very superb

     I last read TSITS a good forty years ago and have absolutely no recollection of Archimedes, so we shall move swiftly along.  Art!

Courtesy 'The Chron'

     This is Oldham town centre, and a good few years ago since TJ Hughes has been ash and clinker for ages.  Yes, those are owls atop their plinths, because the owl is the official emblem of Oldham.  Don't worry, they are purely ceremonial, nobody gets sacrificed in front of them on Lammas Eve that we know of.  Art!

     Conrad is also minded that the owl was the official symbol of ancient Athens, which pomp and majesty we will undercut by instead referring to the mechanical owl in 'Clash Of The Titans'.  Art!


     It was not beyond the skill of ancient craftsmen to make a replica like this, but they couldn't make it fly and certainly couldn't have it replicate conscious thought, so we'll just put that down to magic.

     I think we've squeezed as much as we can from that - sorry, what?  No.  We're not going down any Harry Potter-related nonsense.  Conrad has standards.  Low ones, perhaps, yet they are there.  O!  I just remembered another superb owl.  

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea
   In a beautiful pea-green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
   Wrapped up in a five-pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
   And sang to a small guitar,
"O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
    What a beautiful Pussy you are,
         You are,
         You are!
What a beautiful Pussy you are!"

II
Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl!
   How charmingly sweet you sing!
O let us be married! too long we have tarried:
   But what shall we do for a ring?"
They sailed away, for a year and a day,
   To the land where the Bong-Tree grows
And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood
   With a ring at the end of his nose,
             His nose,
             His nose,
   With a ring at the end of his nose.

III
"Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling
   Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will."
So they took it away, and were married next day
   By the Turkey who lives on the hill.
They dined on mince, and slices of quince,
   Which they ate with a runcible spoon;
And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,
   They danced by the light of the moon,
             The moon,
             The moon,
They danced by the light of the moon.

     I do love a story with a happy ending.  Plus, that'll up the word count handily.


O Frabjous Day!

I just discovered that the BBC have enabled Comments on an article about the ballfoot game, as New Castle You Nighted are playing The Manchester United - something like that, I can't be bothered reading the article - in a game due to be played today.

     Conrad doesn't know what the occasion is and cares less, I just enjoy reading the Comments.

Comment posted by Jimothy Taverns, today at 01:12

Always supported this cup. When it was the milk cup, I ordered an extra pint of milk from the milkman. When it was rumbelows, I made sure I rented a telly from them. Now, I'm going to make sure I buy carabao steaks from my local butcher.

     There you go, we're all better-educated than we were five minutes ago.  There isn't the rancour and bitter enmity in this set of Comments, in fact people are being very sporting, which is worthy if dull.


"The Sea Of Sand"

I had a bit of an Ooops moment yesteryon when trying to copy over the latest installment, as I'd unplugged the drive that the Word document was on.  Cue Word going into freak-out mode until I rebooted the external drive.  O well.

     As you should surely recall, the Doctor and Sarah are in rather hot water with their British compatriots, being under suspicion of sabotage and treachery.

Grumpily, Sarah thrust her hands into her pockets, feeling change from her linen trousers clink about.

          ‘Oh, great, Doctor.  Now not only are we German spies, we’re insane German spies – oh – hang on a minute.’

          She held out a handful of change to Roger, who squinted suspiciously at the coins.

          ‘Go on – take a look at those.  Go on, they won’t bite!’

          Slowly, Roger took one of the coins, shaking his head in resigned dismissal.  The look on his face changed to one of consternation.

          “Elizabeth II.  Ninenteen Eighty One!’ he exclaimed.  He looked at other coins.  “Fifty Pence piece, Silver Jubilee.  Nineteen Seventy Seven!  What the hell are these?’

          ‘Acceptable coins of the realm,’ said the Doctor, calmly.

          ‘She’s a Princess, not the Queen,’ added Tam, confused.  ‘Princess Elizabeth.’

          ‘Crowned in 1952,’ the Doctor said in an aside.

          ‘You’re barmy,’ added Davey.  His voice lacked surety.

          ‘Who wins the next Cup Final?’ asked Tam aggressively.

          With a look of icy superiority, the Doctor looked down his patrician nose and dismissed the question.

          ‘I don’t follow – football.’

          ‘Never mind that, who wins this damn war?’ asked Roger, with feeling.

          ‘Oh, the Allies do,’ said the Doctor airily.  Roger leaned closer, wanting more detail.  Sighing, the Doctor carried on.  ‘In less than three months the German Army, with contingents from Rumania, Italy and Hungary, will invade the Soviet Union.  Before the year is out the United States will be fighting the Germans and Japanese.’

     I know what you're thinking: this is messing with the future, because you shouldn't tell people about it.  Ah, yes, but that presumes they survive ...


A Metaphor

A set of new postage stamps going on sale might not seem like much, but this set is a tad different.  Art!


     Yes, they're Ukrainian.  I wonder what would happen if someone sent a postcard to the Kremlin with one of these used for postage?


Because Dimya Is Crying

Let us sugar the medicine somewhat, because it ill behooves one to confuse a country with a people.  You may not know it, but P.G. Wodehouse was immensely popular in the Sinister Union, as was Sherlock Holmes, whose short stories I am reading at present.  Art!

"The Advebtures of Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson"

     This was an incredibly well-done adaptation that remained utterly faithful to Conan Doyle's original work, and is widely regarded as the best ever version of Sherlock to ever grace the screen.  There, I bet that surprised you.


Finally -

Domestic duties demand.  Your Humble Scribe needs to go scrape bristles.  Cheerio!