As A Theme, Rather Than The WW1 Games Review
Which we are only halfway through, you lucky people, so we're going to get back to that at some point in the near future. Your Humble Scribe has to say, a lot of these games are down as 'Out Of Stock' even on their parent company's website, meaning they were a bit niche in the first place and didn't generate enough sales or interest to <ahem> stay in the game. Art!
Not sure about this one. France and the Low Countries 1944?
ANYWAY, as ever, we need to define our term. 'Collins Concise English Dictionary' to the fore! Art?
Amazingly bucolic and pacific
"War. Abbreviation. 'Warwickshire'"
ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE!
"War: open armed conflict between two or more parties, nations or states. From the Old Northern French 'Werre', related to Old High German 'Werra'."
Well, it makes a change to the numbers nine, three or four. I am now bringing on my 'Brewer's Dictionary Of Phrase And Fable' for the rest of this Intro or until I get bored.
'The Terrapin War': Not a name I was familiar with, this concerns the war Great Britain fought against the Treacherous Backstabbing Colonials, in the 1812 - 1814 timeframe. As if we didn't have enough to do beating Napoleon!
ANYWAY ANYWAY the 'terrapin' epithet comes from being completely enclosed by the Royal Navy blockade, as in a turtle in it's shell. A rather long-winded analogy if you ask me, and even if you don't. Art!
A Terrapin (it says here)
'The Potato War': Another one I've never heard of, and no wonder, it defines 'obscure'. Technically, it was the 'War of the Bavarian Succession' that ran for a whole year between 1778 and 1779. 'Potato' because, rather than seeking bloody and decisive conflict on the field of battle, each side sought to deprive the other of food. Makes for a very dull hex-and-counter game, Vulnavia. Art!
A little more dignified than 'The Terror Of Tubers'
"War Bride: a soldier's bride, met as a result of wartime postings or operations" Not very dramatic. Art!
I've actually seen this, or at least the last half that was broadcast on television. Conrad seems to recall that it was a decent satire, inverting the normal trope of a foreign woman marrying a GI and the hilarious consequences thereof. Also a chance for Cary to do a bit of drag. Art!
You're not fooling anyone, matey
"War paint: The paint applied to their faces by Native Americans and other peoples to make their terrifying before going out on the warpath. Also, of a woman, to putting on elaborate makeup in order to overcome her rivals. Figuratively, a phrase applied to getting ready energetically to enter a dispute." Art!
The Google description insists this is a 'fierce woman warrior with war paint' but, I feel, it looks more as if she's not bothered to wash after a heavy day's work in the coal mines. Art!
That's more like it. You'd think twice before jumping the queue in front of him, nicht wahr?
"War Of The Elements: A storm or natural catastrophe". That's a bit basic, let's have some of the natural catastrophes that South Canada is so profligate with. Art!
Hmmm how grateful I am to live in a country with boring weather.
"The War Of The Roses: the usual name given to the civil wars in England between 1455 and 1485 and the Lancastrians versus the Yorkists. The Yorkists, under Henry Tudor, were successful, which has led to bad blood between Lancashire and Yorkshire ever since." Art!
ART!
To continue: "The name is not really historical and appears to derive from Sir Walter Scott - " '- the civil discords so dreadfully prosecuted in the Wars of the White and Red Roses - 'Anne of Geierstein (1829)."
O that wacky Walter! He invented the name 'Cedric' in 'Ivanhoe' which he ought to have been 'Cerdic'. Inventive if not accurate.
"Wargame: Originally known as 'Kreigspeil', it was introduced in 1824 by one Lieutenant Von Reiswitz, who completed and improved his father's design. It depends on the use of maps as battlefields in miniature and blocks or counters representing troops and the like, for the purpose of instructing officers in military tactics." Art!
Very very old school
'Brewers's' has the temerity to claim that computers have taken over the wargame. As if! - check out my blogs over the past week. Perhaps at the Pentagon, not at The Mansion.
"The Austro-Serbian Pig War": Yet another obscure war that I distinctly remember from 'A' Level History. Once again not a real shooting war, rather a trade tit-for-tat between Austria-Hungary and Serbia. The Serbs, you see, had very ungratefully gotten their artillery from the French, which put the Hapsburgs nose out of joint, because they assumed the Serbs were still in their sphere of influence, so - agricultural bans it is. Art!
Which I think is self-referential enough to end this internecine Intro. We've only just tickled the surface of this subject, and I bet you can hardly wait once more.
This Has Been Going The Rounds
Some say it's genuine, others that it's AI, neither of which bothers Conrad as it's so hilarious to watch. To set the scene - Art!
The machine gun in question is a triple-barrelled rotary one, as used on Ruffian helicopters, which delivers a high rate of fire and a lot of torque. Who knows which idiot orc thought 'I know! Let's put this on a pintle mount in the back of a truck! What can possibly go wrong!'
They had to ask. Art!
The gun stays on target for all of quarter of a second before the torque swings the barrel clockwise. Normally these things are mounted on a helicopter in a turret that removes any such slewing around. Art!
The instructor barely has time to register what's going on as Gunner Greenhorn is swept around thanks to being inside the harness. Art!
Instructor hits the deck, narrowly avoiding being decapitated. Good drills there, mate. Art!
Gunner Greenhorn is physically hurled overboard, which at least means his finger is off the trigger and the gun is no longer firing. Kinetic energy will keep the gun spinning for many revolutions yet, and the amount of rounds fired will also render the barrel verrrry hot. Art!
The gun keeps swivelling until friction slows it down. Only about 3 seconds have elapsed by this point. Art!
The instructor stands up, slightly amazed at having head still attached to body, and is now infamous across the globe as a meme.
It's Hard To Keep Up
I'm writing this on Monday, prefatory to publishing it on Wednesday, and already today's blog is out of date as regards the Ukrainians ongoing onslaught against Ruffian shipping, ports and other infrastructure in the Sea of Azov. The total of ships hit is now 105. Art!
I believe the Ruffian's Azov fleet amounted to 120 ships, so 83% are now out of commission. This echoes the Allies Operation Flax and Operation Retribution, choking off the Axis bridgehead in Tunisia by sinking or shooting down all supplies being sent from Italy and occupied ports in the south of Europe. It did not end well for the Axis, and - you may be ahead of me here - it's not looking good for Putinpot and the swarms of Mordorvia.
A Moment's Silence Please
No, not for that lickspittle toady Linseed Grayman, whose sole talent was polishing Donnie Dorko's shoes to a high shine with his tongue. Art!
"Sam's character was very cross"
He was also a far more sympathetic character in both 'Dead Calm' and 'The Hunt For Red October', nyah nyah John Hammond. And, in one of his better genre roles, the literal blood-sucking capitalist in 'Daybreakers'. He must have enjoyed doing that one, where Australia pretended to be South Canada. Art!
Sam being saturnine
Finally -
RAF Duxford is go!
