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Monday, 20 July 2026

Taking Great Paines

NO! That's Not A Spelling Mistake

You ought to realise by now that the English language does what Conrad commands it to do, with the grammar and punctuation laid out all proper.  So, referring back to the phrase 'Taking great pains', which is not in my 'Brewer's' and so which I need to define myself; this means taking a great deal of care and paying close attention to a set of circumstances in order to achieve an outcome. Art!


No, I'm not sure what it is, either, except it's not a mournful man in glasses sitting on a rock, which seemed to be the default 'Taking great pains'.  Should I go into the definition of 'Pain'?  No, I can't be bothered.

     Ambling in a tangential manner toward our destination, I can see you  frothing with righteous indignation about whanging on about a certain Paine, because there is a a famous person of this name.  Art!

Paining 

     Ah yes Ol' Tom, who  was writing before females got the vote and messed everything up, about the rights of us men, beggar the ladies.

     ANYWAY Paine was birthed here in the glorious Sceptred Isle, but threw his treacherous lot in with the South Canadian rebellious ingrates, writing lots of scurrilous political screeds that upset the natives, such as the above, and others justifying the French Revolution.  What a shame he gavotted off this mortal coil in 1809, before he could witness the White House being burned down and creating a song.  

     ANYWAY AGAIN back to more Paine.  Art!


     Sarah Paine, that is, whom we have mentioned in the past, often in connection with her analyses of Mordorvia, where she studied as a student, the poor dear.  Her description of how to make borshcht in order to avoid starving in Moscow is a model of catering survivability.

     ANYWAY ANYWAY on this lecture she focuses not on Asia or Ruffia but Perfidious Albion, and how we have learned, over the centuries, on how to always come out on top in any internecine tussle.  


     How is it done?  O I thought you'd never ask!

     Firstly, Great*Britain had to coin the term and concept of 'Grand Strategy', which came into being during the Napoleonic Unpleasantness.  Art!


     The red border indicates France and her vassals, and as you can see this includes most of Continental Europe, bar Portugal and Turkey.  Ruffia didn't know whether to be hostile to Nappy or not, until he invaded them.  No nonsense about 'Special Military Operations' back in 1812, it was straight-out war.  

     ANYWAY AGAIN AGAIN how did This Sceptred Isle deal with a whole continent  arrayed against them?  Sarah filleted out their response:  Art!


     Nappy being the elephant.  Keeping the grocers** as a going concern means you can continue to fund your own military forces and those of your allies.  art!


     'Don't let the elephant forage' was Sarah's elegant way of explaining it.  By long tradition, the Royal Navy applies a blockade of enemy marine trade and chokes it off, forcing the Continental powers to look to their neighbours or allies for trade.  However - ah that word again! - doing this is a tad tricky when the trade is in oil or rubber, which are not abundant in Europe.  Art!


     As per Sarah's focus, Great Britain would identify a Continental power that hated, loathed and despised the elephant, and then pay them to become an ally and take the fight to the pachyderm.  It used to be called 'Breaking windows with guineas'.  Art!


     Because, especially in the age of sail, it was cheaper, quicker and much more efficient for Great Britain to use marine resources to strike in a location distant from the enemy's home, than it was for the furrin footsloggers to tramp 3,000 miles to get there. Art!


     That's the British fighting the French in Portugal, but I could equally as well have put Libya in 1941.  Art!


     Perfidious Albion broke this rule in the First Unpleasantness and suffered a colossal butcher's bill for it.  This is because the main military power of a Continental nation is it's army, which tends to be huge, as compared to that of Great Britain, which is both her navy and her ability to generate wealth.  During the Second Unpleasantness the British army faced the majority of the Wehrmacht only up until the fall of France in 1940, and then only years later as part of an alliance.  Art!



     Because by late war the Continental power will be at least partly exhausted, as with the fighting in Europe post D-Day.  Art!


     I shall call a pause here, as Sarah is going to work on second-order effects and I want to keep a little in reserve.  


More Drubbing Of The 'Daily Sluggard'

Or the 'Daily Express' if we're being formal.  Once again they are trying the clickbait approach to increase traffic, the utter bounders. I bet they pass the port to the right, cads that they are.  Art!


     What's wrong with this picture?  Well, for one thing, they haven't bothered to give the title of the 'Masterpiece' series.  Normally Your Humble Scribe would pay close attention to the thumbnail and identify what the series is, except the Daily Sluggard has really goosed it this time, and put up a thumbnail from  -

     Band of Brothers.

     Bah!


More Of Mister Mackie

Angus the Arty, that is, the sci-fi artist whom we have already covered a few times.  Art!


     Another cityscape, this time at night.  Conrad has had a quick peruse and cannot find any hidden buildings from present-day London, or any other contemporary city for that matter.  I had a more thorough scan and can't find any kind of hidden Easter eggs, only a speculation as to what Ol' Ang used as artistic inspiration: an old-fashioned cash-register, a pelican, a space-heater, a toaster, a battle-axe and a spare tyre.  Brownie points if you can spot what I'm talking about.  

     Conrad unsure if this was ever a magazine or book cover.  I'm sure my skip-like memory would trip if they had ever been so presented.


Time For Your Daily Dose Of Don!

Let's hear it for the man most in need of a rocket-powered espresso enema than any other person on the planet.  Art!


     (I think they have to use quotes otherwise his lawyers come leaping out of the woodwork).

     You can see why New Yorkers loathe and despise him.  'The City That Never Sleeps' isn't big on idle dozy sluggards.  Besides which, Rael may come and cover him with graffiti.


"The Great War" Annotating Continues

Yes indeedy.  Conrad has gone over the first two episodes, scribbling notes in his inimitable and unreadable longhand, taking occasional photos and wondering how long it would take to do the whole collection of 6 disks.  Art!


     Featuring the Sour-puss Soldier again!  He gets around.

     Well, the first 14 disks contain 2 episodes, and it's taken me about 3 hours to do that first DVD, so annotating the whole lot would take me 68 hours working and gallons of coffee and tonic water.  To what end?  Why, to be better informed, Vulnavia, to be better informed.  There is the not infinitesmal risk that you may all get the benefit of my annotating in the near future.  I bet you can hardly wait.


Finally -

Going out with a Biercism.

 "Idiot, n: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.  The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but 'pervades and regulates the whole'.  He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable.  He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a deadline."

     Nowadays The Idiot comes in both genders.




*  Take that, Lavrov!

**  Take that, Nappy!

Sunday, 19 July 2026

Join The DOTs

Okay, I Shall Freewheel For A Tad Here

Whilst also needing to pop down to the kitchen to take that pork joint out of the oven, since that Sunday Stew isn't going to cook itself.  Yes, I am writing Tuesday's blog on Sunday as I'm trying to keep 48 hours ahead of time, which is the closest you're going to find to Conrad approaching a work ethic.  

     OKAY Your Humble Scribe is basing this Intro on an entry from another Youtube Reddit compilation, one from 'Reddit Jar' going by the title 'What Made You Quit A Job On The Spot?'  I'm only one-third of the way through and there have been some horrendous tales of - you may be ahead of me here - South Canadian employers.  Whom frequently seem unable to distinguish between 'worker' and 'paid slave'.  Art!


     What's colloquially known as an 18-wheeler, although this elongated version seems more like a 36-wheeler.  The point still stands, though, because these steel beasts haul cargoes of at least 20 tons, and can hit 60 PROUD IMPERIAL miles per hour on highways, meaning - 

     You want to ensure the driver isn't suffering from a serious medical condition that might induce blackouts, coma, heart attacks or a reallllly bad tickly cough.

     Stick a pin in this intro to the Intro, we'll be coming back to it.  Art!


     Meet an autoclave, which is a verrrry basic piece of medical kit that is used to sterilise used instruments such as scalpels.  It generates high-pressure steam at up to 135ยบ Centigrade, which kills off all the micro-organisms that might be lurking on the used kit.  Again, we'll refer to this later.

     So!  The narrator of this tale is Honest IncorruPtible Physician Assistant, hereafter HIPPA- O I say what a coincidence! - whom took a position in an urgent care facility, which is one step up from a GP and one step below the Intensive Care Unit, or Emergency Room in South Canadian parlance.  Art!


     HIPPA began to notice things agley, as Rabbie Burns used to say.  Supplies oftenran short and much of their drug supply was out of date, which she put down to the office manager not being on the ball.  So, as an honest person would do, she took the issue up with the doctor who owned the facility, whom I shall dub Doctor Dudley Do-wrong, or DDD for short..  He told her he would personally sort it out.

     Enter Enabling Medical Assistant, hereafter EMA.  She told HIPPA that these problems had been going on forever, that nothing would change and that they had been told NEVER to throw drugs away when their date expired.  So, EMA knew all about the problems but lacked the courage or morals to do anything about them?  Sounds like Urgent Careless to me.  Art!

What they were lacking

     EMA also informed HIPPA that the autoclave was broken and didn't work properly, so they reported it to the State Medical Board.  No, only joking, they washed used medical kit in soap and water and then put it in the autoclave whilst wishing really really hard that it worked.

     'Twas at this point that HIPPA decided that she wasn't going to be in UC the next day.  That night she informed the State Medical Board of the general lack of compliance with basic medical health standards.

     One suspects that the SMB already had their suspicions about DDD and his dodgy practices, as they raided UC the very next day and immediately shut it down.  Ooops.  Art!


     As HIPPA gleefully informs, the SMB found so many egregious violations that they not only permanently closed the UC, they suspended DDD's licence.  Another Oooops.  Getting a licence back is neither easy, cheap nor quick.

     But hist! for there is more.  "He was also prosecuted on federal charges because he was running a scam for truck driver physical exams".  Meaning that truck drivers who had no business being behind the wheel were able to get a Pass from the Department Of Transport (hence 'DOT') and continue driving.  

     HIPPA gives no clue to where these events took place, nor what DDD's real name was, or even a date, but the federal courts take an extremely dim view of allowing a 30-ton roadborne mallet to get up to 60 mph when the driver might keel over dead at any moment.  Sentences can be up to 5 years in jail and/or a $250,000 fine.  More Ooops on top of Ooops.  One suspects that licence isn't getting reinstated any time in the next decade.

     Altogether now - HIPPA HIPPA HOORAY!

Road safety award?


Things Exploding!

As you should surely know by now, Conrad retains the gleeful enthusiasm of a teenage schoolboy when it comes to Things Exploding, and the bigger the explosion the better.  Therefore I Favourited a film clip from the BBC featuring a Pennsylvania bridge being explosively demolished.  Art!


     Those boxes conceal and protect the explosive cutting charges.  Unlike some demolitions, this one doesn't seem to have an attendant audience nearby and is being filmed remotely.  Note the amount of charges and their placement: this bridge is not being made to drop into it's footprint thanks to gravity, it's going to be blown into very small pieces.  Art!


     Ignition!  Actually the arch supports seem to be going first, if only by a fraction of a second.  Art!


     Everything explodes everywhere all at once.  Art!


     From above.  This is the old Commercial Street Bridge going down in smithereens, and the one you can see alongside it is the replacement one, ready to be slid into position.  You will note the fabric coverage to prevent spall causing damage.


I Dub You The 'Daily Sluggard'

Yes, Conrad is taking aim at the 'Daily Express', which ONCE AGAIN is trying to hook people in with clickbait items, which is very bad behaviour when other people attempt it, since it is entirely fair if Conrad does it.  Because I say so, before you ask.  Art!


     The series is 'Our Friends In The North' and yes I have seen it, many many years ago.  It's set in Tyneside, where they talk funny, although less funny thanks to series like this.  Daniel Craid, yes, also Mark Strong and the delicious Gina McKee er that is the fine actress Gina Mckee.  Art!


     Saved you clicking a bait.


I Am Minded Of 'Thunderbirds'

We've avoided ladling opprobrium over the Boorish Orange Oaf Himself for a couple of days, so Conrad returns to the fray energised and fresh, and here's a title for you.  Art!

Scowly and jowly!

     Hilariously, the article makes certain to inform readers SIX times that the opinions expressed by The Doctor - no, not that Doctor - are his own and not official or backed by a medical examination, so keen are they to avoid being sued by The Nodfather.

     Where does 'Thunderbirds' come in?  O I thought you'd never ask!  One consistent line in the scripts is a variant on 'She's/it/we're not going to make it!' followed by a disaster that only International Rescue can remedy.  Art!


     No jokes about Commercial Street, thank you, this is serious stuff and lives are at stake.
     An item that moves from the ridiculous to the sublime.


Surely Some Mistake?

As they used to say in 'Private Eye', except they used a drunken variant that I cannot remember how to spell as it's years since I read an issue of the libel-baiting rag.  

     ANYWAY here's another What On Earth? moment from Twitter, where the algorithm has been either drinking or smoking illegal substances.  Art!


     Why is it blue?  Why is there a horse?  Who could possibly need one of these in their garden?  Art!


     Clearly, the cultural reach of the Doctor Who serial 'Colony In Space' was long indeed, except this IMC skid steer was also capable of being programmed for murder.  Probably not what you want to retail on Temu, really.  


Finally -

Wonder Wifey, quite by chance, came across an edition of Edgar Allen Poe's short stories, possibly ninety years old, which she got for a pittance.  Art!


     Conrad was allowed to touch and look and then sternly warned off.







Day 49

In My Summer Of Sober

Fair warning, if a certain fat BOOH or a Ruffian dictator gets un-alived, Conrad reserves the right to open the Just In Case bottle of Prosecco I have in the Sekrit Layr.  One has to plan for contingencies.

     So!  Time for our Sunday retrospective, looking back at the blog o'er the years.  13 of them, egad!  Art?


     'Gravity' was big at the box office in 2013, and yet Conrad still hasn't seen it.  O well.  Links!

2025

BOOJUM!: The Progress Of March

2024

BOOJUM!: Big Bother Is Botching You

2023

BOOJUM!: Heavy And Light At The Same Time

2022

BOOJUM!: Man Versus Myth

2021

BOOJUM!: I Can't Decide About Avicide

2020

BOOJUM!: Like A Deuce

2019

BOOJUM!: Storm Area 51? It's A Piece Of Cake!

2018

BOOJUM!: Hark Hark! Look At The Shark!

2017

BOOJUM!: Whither The Weather

2016

BOOJUM!: Venting Vehicular Venom

2015

BOOJUM!: That's Today's Coincidence Sorted

2014

BOOJUM!: Super-Powered!

2013

BOOJUM!: 48 Hours of Fun










Everything In The Gardenia Is Lovely

NO! That Is Not A Typo

O noes!  It's an hilarious pun, hilarious I tell you, laugh or it's the Remote Nuclear Tormentor for you.  Art!

You have been warned

     Today the Intro will very probably take up the whole of the blog, as we are, once again, going to visit Arnie and Gardenia Schickelbaum in pursuit of using and defining a whole host of ridiculously obscure or foreign words that have appeared as solutions in oodles of Codewords as solutions.  Arnie, as you ought to remember, is a veeblefetzer repairman, whom had made an enormous amount doing repair work on one of the moons of Jupiter.  His wife, Gardenia, had been left alone for a year and a half and resorted to various - ah - occupations to pass the time.  Once returned, Arnie could afford to indulge in wildly expensive hobbies, such as hunting wildlife.  Art!


     ELAND: 'A large, spiral-horned antelope (Tacrotragus Oryx) living on East and South African bushland.  Possesses a dewlap and hump, of a light brown colouration with vertical white stripes.  From Dutch to Afrikaans meaning 'Elk'.  Arnie only shot them with a camera, principally as nobody would trust him with a gun.  Art!

Another, rather different, iteration

Art!


     Whilst Arnie pursued photo opportunities in Africa, Gardenia hunted the above in South America, as she spoke better Spanish than Swahili.

AGOUTI: Via Spanish, from Guarani.  Any hystricomorph rodent of the genus Dasyprocta, of Central and South America.  Agoutis are agile and long-legged, with hooflike claws and are valued for their meat.  Which you can bet Gardenia dined upon, airfare and hotels costing what they do.  Where did she consume grilled agouti?  O I thought you'd never ask - Art!


EATERY: A casual location for informal dining, such as a cafรฉ, diner or food truck.  Origin circa 1901 from South Canada, derivation obscure.  Gardenia, long used to bland food from New York's dining establishments, found that the cuisine in Bahia, her agouti hunting-ground, made liberal use of the fiery malagueta pepper.  She desired a digestive system composed of - Art!


ASBESTOS: Any of the fibrous amphibole and serpentine minerals, especially chrysotile and tremolite, that are incombustible and resistant to chemicals.  Via Latin and Greek, from 'Asbestos', meaning 'inextinguishable'.  Perhaps a drink of milk instead of dodgy chemicals?

     Why did I emphasise the word 'and' in the item above?  O I thought you'd never ask!

AMPERSAND: The character '&', meaning - you may be ahead of me here - 'and'.  It is derived from the phrase 'And per se and', which means 'the symbol & itself represents "and"'.  The symbol itself is an adaptation of the Latin for 'and', that being 'et'.  Conrad is unsure of the etiquette of using an ampersand instead of the word 'and', besides which both count as a single word for Word Count totals.  Art!

Conrad unsure what the car's for

     There was a bit of social media pushback about Gardenia's hunting and eating activities, which she had been rather insulated from as the wife of a multi-millionaire, at least as long as she was in Brazil or Peru - where they also have very hot quisine - but things got equally as hot for her when she returned to the Big Apple.  Arnie missed all this, he was happily sipping gins in various Low Country bars at this point.  Art!


SLOE: Small, sour blue-black fruits of the blackthorn bush, derived from the Old English 'Slah'.  The Dutch and Belgians invented gin, for which Conrad is profoundly grateful, but it was the British whom added sloes and sugar to make sloe gin.

     Just to continue, the sloe is pretty indigestible uncooked, as it's naturally very acidic and bitter.  Once cooked, it's a lot more amenable to being et, including being used in jams and cordials.

     HOWEVER- Art!

HANDFUL OF DEATH!

     The pit of a sloe berry contains a cyanide derivative, which the metabolism of Hom. Sap. processes into hydrogen cyanide.  Yes, that hydrogen cyanide, the chemical compound that kills people.  You'd have to chew a lot of the stones to make yourself dangerously ill, mind.  But people can be stupid.

     Back to Gardenia as her husband drinks his way around Amsterdam and Liege.  You may call her agouti-slaying steak dinners short-sighted or -

PURBLIND: Partly or nearly blind, lacking in insight or understanding or obtuse.  From the Old English 'Pure blind'.  Art!

Madam, those are for sleeping in

     "If they have no bread, let them eat cake" - a phrase notably NOT quoted by Marie-Antoinette - is probably the acme of being purblind.  If a starving peasantry cannot afford bread, how on earth are they going to afford the much more expensive alternative of cake?  Not to mention that it's a lot more fattening, what with all the butter and sugar present.  Art!

DO NOT TAUNT THE DIABETIC WITH CAKE!  JUST DON'T!

     Arnie, picking up on social media that people were being hostile to Gardenia,  flew back home to provide moral support to his wife, arriving at JFK and transiting the TWA Flight Centre as he left the airport.  Art!

The apse-like TWA Flight Centre

APSE: A domed or vaulted semi-circular or polygonal recess, especially at the east end of a church.  The TWA Flight Centre is most certainly not a church or cathedral, yet it does exhibit certain similar architectural qualities, which is why it's here.

     Arnie, ever one to think outside the box, had a proposition for Gardenia.  Given their - or, rather, his - fortune, they could both undergo mitigation surgery that would allow them to survive on the surface of -

     Mercury!

     Where they could help carry out the sun-harvesting project to accrue solar power for onward transmission to Earth, which paid ten times what he'd earned out in the orbit of Saturn*.  Art!


"I don't know," replied Gardenia.  "It seems a bit extreme.  Almost as if an author was - kinda - over-reaching for a solution."

"It'll be fine," said Arnie, so she agreed to become a -

CYBORG: A blend of 'Cybernetic' and 'Organism'.  A fictional creature that is part human (or animal) and part machine.  Art!


      Cyborgs tend to be unemotional - it says here in 'Brewer's' - and/or violently destructive.  They give examples of the Terminator, which is absolutely on point, Pris, from 'Blade Runner', which is completely wrong, and the 'Borg' in 'Starry Trex', which I will give them.  One particular adaptation they needed was their -

LARYNXES: The singular is a cartilaginous and hollow muscular organ, forming part of the air passage to the lungs.  In higher vertebrates it contains the vocal chords.  From the Greek 'Larynx' meaning 'Throat'.  There's practically no atmosphere on Mercury, so sounds won't travel by vibration in the air, meaning the larynx needs to be altered to transmit a radio signal.  Art!


OXYGEN: A colourless, odourless, highly reactive gaseous element, the most common element in the Earth's surface but totally lacking on Mercury, so Arnie and Gardenia are going to have to get used to tanked air supplies.  Symbol 'O' -

     Which is where we came in and a good point to call a halt, as indeed the whole blog has been this Intro.  Back to normal tomorrow.  I bet you can hardly wait.




*  Or Jupiter.  I can't remember which**.

**  Nor can I be bothered to check.