Sunday's Synopses

Which Is The Correct Plural Of 'Synopsis'

There's your grammar lesson for today.  Okay, time for a reprise of the cherry trees in blossom along Tandle Hill Road today, as I was taking Edna for trotties.  Art!

     The only problem with it being a nice afternoon was that the world and his wife were walking their woofers, so a bit of strategic pacing and pavement-swapping was needed.

     Enough domestic drivel!  On with the links.

2025

BOOJUM!: Creating Drama Out Of A Crisis

2024

BOOJUM!: THROW THE MONEY INTO THE VOLCANO!

2023

BOOJUM!: European Space Agency Threatens Conrad

2022

BOOJUM!: ONE TRILLION LIONS VERSUS THE SUN!

2021

BOOJUM!: T.I.E. Fighter

2020

BOOJUM!: How Oarful

2019

BOOJUM!: Charles Dickens: Criminal Mastermind!

2018

BOOJUM!: By The Spitting Devil's Cabbage!

2017

BOOJUM!: Hark, Hark - It's About The Shark

2016

BOOJUM!: Domestic Diversions

2015

BOOJUM!: Hark Hark - It's Arthur C. Clarke!

2014

BOOJUM!: Namaste, India And Hi!, Oz

If I Were To Say 'Turning Point'

You'd Possibly Get What I Meant

But not probably, for, as you should surely know by now, Conrad's mind works in mysterious ways, even unto himself.  For example, where did 'Artie' and 'Gardenia' in that recent epic scrivel nonsense tale come from?  Who knows.  Especially not me.  

     ANYWAY what I want to look at here is a policy executed - apt word! - by that staple of BOOJUM! King Mithridates VI Eupator of Pontus.  A name that trips off the tongue.  Art!

Probably not the tongue in question

     Ol' Mithy, you recall, was paranoid about being assassinated via poison, so he took a daily cocktail of poison in gradually-increasing doses, thus acquiring immunity.  At least according to legend.  Conrad thinks this a rather dicey process and doesn't recommend it.

     ANYWAY the turning point for Ol' Mithy came when he lost his third war against Rome, being decisively defeated by Pompey in 63 BC.  You can't call him a quitter!  Art?

     Being a bit spiteful and petty - the Donold Trump of his day? - Mithy rounded up all his oracles, diviners and soothsayers for a big celebration victory party -

     No, I was lying.  They had all advised him that going to war against Rome was a wonderful idea, that he would win bigly, etcetera, so he had them all killed for being completely wrong.  Hmmm.  You'd think, as, you know, oracles, they would have seen that coming.  Maybe an off day?

     Ol' Mithy then, allegedly, tried to commit self-delete with poison, only for his long-acquired tolerance to spoil his plan, resulting in a request for his bodyguard to do him in with a sword.  Note to readers: you do not acquire tolerance to a foot of forged steel in your gizzard.  Art!

                                                      

     This is another turning point.  Here you see the destruction wrought inside the 'Detsky Mir' shopping mall in Barad-Duh, which the Kremlin instantly insisted was due to a helium cylinder depressurising.  It took place in August 2026.  What happened is that the head of the FSB's Fifth Service, Alexei Titov - no pictures of him extant I'm afraid - went to meet the widow of a former subordinate, who was going to give him a 'present'.  Or, in reality, a bomb.  The explosion un-alived her and severed Titov's legs.  He survived long enough to get taken to hospital and put into a coma, with no updates eight months later, and it's quite possible he died and the Mordorvian authorities don't want to admit it.

     Why do I mention this?  O I thought you'd never ask!  Titov was the head of the Fifth Services Analytical Branch.  He escaped the purge of April 2022, when Putin sacked or imprisoned 150 FSB members in an attempt to shift the blame for 'Kyiv in three days' from him and onto them.  Art!

Putin with noodles on his ears*

     So, it would have been Titov's job to provide intelligence information on former Soviet countries, such as Ukraine, or the Baltics, or the Caucasus.  How far wide of the mark his info was is exemplified in Ruffian officers taking dress uniforms along on the invasion, all ready for their upcoming victory parade in Kyiv.  Art!

     This is General Vladimir Alekseyev, Deputy Head of the GRU, Ruffian Military Intelligence, whose directorate in May of 2022 was tasked with carrying out the work previously done by the FSB.  He was shot and seriously wounded in February 2026, by an assassin who knew exactly where and when he would be.

     The consensus amongst pundits is that the FSB officers who survived the April 2022 purge are now being gotten rid of, since, you know, they got things completely wrong.  It's noted that investigations into both assassination attempts were rapidly closed down, because the truth might come out.  Art!

     This quaint South Canadian phenomenon known as a 'Mega-church' is where King Piggy appeared at a rally on Friday 17th April.  It holds up to 4,500 people and DJ Tango only got 3,000 attending.  Sorry, no photos of the crowds, probably because the turnout was so disappointing.  Who is advising The Nodfather to stage these events?  Art!

     This is an actual Turning Point event, the organisation founded by that loathsome political reptile Charlie Kirk, and appearing on stage is Judge Death Vance, who kills literally and metaphorically if he shakes your hand.  This is the kind of shot that the White House will put out as proof of a well-attended event, pats on the back all round.

     HOWEVER - a word you surely knew was coming - 'Jake Broe' on his Youtube channel posted a video of someone attending the FREE rally and it's a lot less flattering to Just Dismal.  Art!

     At most, there's a couple of hundred people there.  Again, who is advising the charisma black hole to attend events like this?  One suspects there are going to be people 'let go' for embarrassing Donnie and Dismal.  Which is better than getting blown up or stabbed, but still not great.  Art!

His pants are, in fact, on fire.  Atomic-powered diaper malfunction.

Rock And Rolling

Another brief clip from 'Be Amazed's 'When Building Demolition Goes Horribly Wrong' and you'll see what that title refers to.  This was a flour factory demolition in Cankiri, Turkey.  Art!

     As is plainly visible, the structure has been extensively undercut before explosive charges were detonated.  The idea was to collapse it into it's own footprint.  Instead - Art!

     Given that I've only ever seen demolitions, not taken part in any, I could still have guessed this was going to happen.  However - ah, that word again! - when this factory was constructed in the Twenties, they built to last.  Rather than shatter after falling - Art!

     It stays intact and begins to roll.  Right towards a residential building.  Art!

  
     It stopped with inches to spare.  Nobody ended up injured, although once again some onlookers may have needed fresh underwear.

The Biter Bit

As you should surely know by now, one of Conrad's particular failings is being altogether too fond of Malicious Compliance or Pro Revenge stories on Youtube.  I ought to ration myself in order to stop squandering hours at a time.

     One of the staples of these stories is the Wicked Employer Firing An Employee and learning a very hard lesson about wage theft, unpaid overtime or tax avoidance, often all three at once.  Art!

     Here is a Comment from 'tonychan8558' showing the other side of the coin.

Last story: Small company with 9 employees. My former boss fired a woman after she told him she was pregnant. But unlike OP, she was useless at her job. Once, she sat at her computer for three hours, then asked my former boss how to print. She printed out a picture she had drawn on Paint over the past three hours. That was just the start. My boss knew she was trouble, so started documenting everything. She took him to court, where he won handsomely. Turned out she tried to get maternity pay from every company she worked at, she wasn't even pregnant! A few years later, I joined the company and boss told me this story. Two years later, our marketing assistant became pregnant and old boss made sure every one of her needs were catered for: new chair, paid time off to visit doctor, getting her lunch delivered, waiting on her hand and foot, the whole nine. She was very good at her job, and old boss treated her accordingly

    'The whole nine' isn't a typo, it's short for 'The whole nine yards', meaning absolutely everything, and is an item in it's own right.  Art!

Boosting Bakhmut's Booze

One of the pundits I watch on Youtube is 'Paul Warburg', who lives in Utah and does regular analyses of the war in Ukraine and how it affects Ruffia.  One of his sponsors is - see below.  Art!

     Artwinery.  They are retailing bottles of wine that were snatched from the cellars of Bakhmut before the orcs conquered it, and once they're gone, they're gone, there will never be more of them.  They aren't cheap but if you want a bottle of wine that has a story attached to it as well as being unique, check them out.

Finally -

Going out on a Biercism.

"Russian, n: A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul.  A Tartar Emetic."

*  Ruffian saying 'Do you think I've got noodles on my ears?' meaning 'Do you think I'm stupid?'

Water Sillies

NO! That Is Not A Typo

Even hinting that it was is likely to get you a dose of Remote Nuclear Tormentor, because the English language does what I want it to do, no mucking about.  Art!

Courtesy Claude Monet

  
     You were thinking of this, weren't you?  Apparently Ol' Claude painted 250 works featuring the water lilies in his garden.  That's an awful lot.  One suspects he didn't get out much.

     ANYWAY we are here to regale you with the second part of DUDE's traumatic tale of pools and fools.  Earlier we explained to you in excruciating detail what goes into constructing a swimming pool, laying it on to underline how hard it is and how long it takes.  We also established that Jackass, son of Jay the business owner, was a lazy entitled slacker, and that Junior, the other son of Jay, talked entirely too much at the expense of working.  Art!

     No, Art, that's a Remote Nuclear Tormentor, which is not what I asked for.  Get it right or it's Tazer-time.

See?  You can do it when you try.

     When Jackass woke up, he strolled over from his truck, looked at the stage they had reached and -

     Did nothing to help.  In fact he sent Junior back to the truck to get his energy drink, then stood around chatting about the game they were going to play after work.

     Thus, by the time 11:00 rolls around, the pool is still at least 90 minutes behind schedule, which DUDE informs Jackass about, who loudly lambasts him about doing his job and not speaking back.

     Why is 11:00 important?  Because that's when the concrete truck arrived, chock-full of lovely concrete all ready to be poured and adored, despite the pool not being ready.  Art!

Sheer poetry: a concrete truck

     Here is where Jackass makes a verrrry serious mistake.  He gets in the company bobcat - a miniature JCB for us here in This Sceptred Isle - and begins unloading concrete into the bucket and dumping it around the pool.  Which was not ready.  Did I already mention that?

     Come 12:30, DUDE sits down and begins to eat his lunch, which sends Jackass, still pouring concrete - around the pool that wasn't ready, have I said that previously? - absolutely ballistic.  I shan't quote him as there was a lot of effing and jeffing involved, along the theme that DUDE had to carry on working.

Art!

     DUDE calmly refutes this, saying that Jay's rule is that one gets to have lunch after 6 hours on the job, and since Jay cuts his paychecks he's going to follow Jay's rules.  All said with a beatific smile.  Jackass rings Jay and presumably gets an earful as he goes back to pouring concrete in a sullen, slapdash silence.

     It gets better - or worse, if you're Jackass.  As mentioned yesteryon, DUDE has a medical appointment at 1:30 and his pre-arranged ride turns up to take him to the examination.  Once again Jackass goes ballistic - there's no explanation in either my 'Collins Concise English Dictionary' or my 'Brewer's Dictionary Of Phrase And Fable' as to where this phrase comes from so I shall poke Art with this red-hot toasting fork -

The terrifying Titan II launch in progress

     - saying that they'll never get the work done.  Once again, smiling sweetly, DUDE informs Jackass that the appointment has already been approved, so whether the pool gets finished or not isn't his concern.  Art!

ARACHNOPHOBES LOOK AWAY NOW!

     This is a Brown Recluse Spider, and DUDE had been bitten by one.  Their bite can cause serious necrosis if not promptly treated, so he was sent to hospital for a week.  

     Meanwhile at the pool -

     Without DUDE to apply his perfectionist work ethic, Jackass <insert swear of choice here> badly.  The pool walls weren't levelled, not all the braces had been set and he'd buried the plumbing in concrete before it had been connected.

     Surprise! it didn't pass inspection.  This meant Jay's company would have to demolish it, buy a new kit and install it from scratch.  You're talking about being on the hook for $20,000 here.

     Jackass, predictably, tried to blame DUDE for his epic <insert swear of choice here>, saying it was all his fault.

     You may recall that yesteryon I mentioned DUDE noticed a feature about the client's house, since he was both sharp-eyed and sharp-witted.  Art!

     A home surveillance system.  He asked the client for relevant footage, and they sent it to Jay for review.

     Jay was <insert swear of choice here>.  He slapped Jackass across the face, informed him that he wasn't getting a bonus that year, he'd get no commission on the pool construction and all the costs for demolition and new pool kit were coming out of his pocket.

     DUDE was made a team lead, given his own helper and proceeded to out-construct Jackass by 2 to 1.

More Gentle Shoeing For King Piggy

As gentle as I get with Fat Caligula.  I did see a new name for him on a Tweet from 'Bill Madden' - 'Don Snorlyeone'.  Well earned!  Bill reviewed the Trump rally in Nevada so we don't have to.  Apparently DJ Tango had to be seated for the event, slurred his speech like a drunk after happy hour, and - Art!

He doesn't drink alcohol.  Adderall? That's another story

     -  completely zedded out once he passed the mike over.  Come on, Donold, show us your war face!

Hmmm.  Closer to 'Wah face'

Are You Hungary For More?

There's a picture that has gone viral, showing the 'food' now being served up to  South Canadian matelots aboard their ships in the Persian Gulf.  Art!

     There is considerable speculation about exactly what this is.  Fried boot sole and sauteed Spam have been suggested.  Conrad's suggestion is fossilised banana.

     ANYWAY back to Hungary.  The frankly peculiar-looking Foreign Minister in Orbanazi's government has been in seclusion since Monday, allegedly shredding every document ever produced by his office, as it would be used in evidence against him.  He emerged on Friday, doing a jog.  Art!

     Here he is with Horse-face, whom he faithfully reported to.  Horse-face - or Lavrov if we're being polite - is a Ruffian, so this is a fairly un-natural state of affairs.

     Orban the Weretoad, meanwhile, thinks he can stay as leader of the parliamentary minority and run for Prime Minister in 4 years time.  There are two problems with this: firstly, he needs to be out of prison to manage this, and secondly, Peter Magyar's party has a super-majority in parliament, meaning they can change the Hungarian Constitution, and Magyar has said a PM's term is going to be limited to two.  Orcban has already served four.  Sorry, Weretoad.  Art!

Art!

     Magyar has also appeared on state TV, from which he was banned for two years, and informed the interviewer that they were going to be out of a job as simping and pimping for Orban is going to stop quick smart.

     I know practically nothing about Magyar, just that he seems to exemplify the új seprű*.

More Fallout From That Image

The one promoting Donold Judas Trump as Jesus, healing the sick, which kicked up such a stink that it was gone a few hours later and he's now lying about him being depicted as a doctor.

     Well, cyber-security whiz Ryan McBeth came up with an hilarious skit on the original.  Art!

     FYI, Reagan was held to be going senile in office, but looking back he seems like Einstein compared to Donnie Dorko.

A Touch Of Spring

Yes, it's most definitely in the air.  Why, on this afternoon's walk with Edna a goose flew overhead, honking with happiness.

     Also, the cherry trees down Tandle Hill Road are in bloom.  Art!

     The blossoms don't hang around for long, so appreciate them while you can.

Finally -

I have a bank of pictures of BOOH looking awful, so here's another.  Art!

*  Magyar for 'new broom'

When The Fool Was Pooltardy

1. 
   

No!  That Is Not A Typo!

For one thing, I have excellent spelling and also pay attention to when the spellchecker - which has a charming South Canadian bias - underlines a word in red.  So, no, I did not get 'Foolhardy' wrong, but that does give me an excuse to put up an illo of Tom Hardy.  The ladies like him.  Art!

Tom and his weapon.  Women swoon.

     No, what I have to describe in the Intro today is an entertaining and illuminating story from 'R Slash' and their 'Entitled People' channel.  I guarantee that by the time this tale is over you will have increased your knowledge of niche construction sectors considerably.

     To set the scene, we need reference that traditional South Canadian status symbol, the swimming pool.  We here in This Sceptred Isle rarely include these in our domestic residences as shelling out £10,000 for an utility used for two weeks, at best, is rather wasteful.  Art!

     This is the end product, and charming describes it well.  

     HOWEVER! - O that word again - did you ever stop to think of how a pool like this gets constructed?  Me neither.  It turns out there's a lot going on in preparation before you can take a paddle on an inflatable bed, which is where Dedicated Utilitarian Digging Expert, hereafter DUDE, comes in.  He worked for Jay's pool construction business, happy to be very well-paid, allowed to smoke when he liked and listen to heavy metal whilst working.  No, Vulnavia, Wet Wet Wet are not a metal band.

     Jay's two sons also worked for him.  There was Jackass, as DUDE named him, the team supervisor who was lazy, entitled and liable to condescend when there was an audience.  He is the Fool of today's title.  Then there was Junior, who babbled incessantly and was more hindrance than help.  Art!

     This is what South Canadians call a 'skid steer' and which DUDE described as a 'bobcat', which Jackass used on-site.

     One of the telling statistics that DUDE mentioned was that Jay's business had managed to construct 7 pools in the summer before he arrived, yet had already done 10 this year with another 3 to go.  A productive influence!  Art?

     We begin the tale with DUDE establishing that he had a doctor's appointment at 13:30 and he'd be out and gone by then, regardless of whatever else happened.  The pool site was as you see above; dug out with no work done on actual construction, and their concrete truck was due to arrive at 11:00, a hard limit when pouring would have to begin, since the truck would be on a schedule.  

     The threesome arrived at 06:30, and as DUDE and Junior got to work, Jackass went for a three-hour sleep in his truck.  This is the Tardy part of today's title.  Art!

     DUDE, who sharp eyes, noticed a particular feature about the client's house, which came in verrry useful later.  He then listed the work that had to be done before the concrete truck turned up.  To wit:

1.   Cut all the wedges, which are used to secure liners and support structures.

     

      2.  Set up marking pins.  These are long metal skewers used to determine the outline of a pool by insertion along the perimeter.  Art!

     3.  Set and bolt up the walls.  These, pretty obviously, are the retaining structures that keep water in the pool by providing support.  Art!

     4.  Set up the 'skimmer'.  No, I had no idea until I looked it up.  A skimmer is a filtration device set at water surface level, which sucks in floating debris such as leaves or insects, before it sinks to the bottom and rots.  Art!

     5.  Set and bolt the wall braces. These are structural supports that go on the back of the metal wall panels to prevent bowing when concrete or water is added, visible in the illo above.  Art!

     6.  Level the walls.  What it sounds like: ensuring the walls are all perfectly level horizontally, and completely perpendicular.

     7.  Install the pool liner.  Actually DUDE forgot to mention this, as his list of to-dos was already overlong.  Also install vinyl coping, which keeps the liner in place.  Art!

So much variety!

     8.  Install stairs and a buddy seat, the latter being low steps that allow people to sit in shallow water, so really two tasks in one.  Art!

     9.  Set the bench.

     10.  Secure with rebar stakes - not sure what's meant by this as the wall panels would have been secured already at this point.

     11.  Create the form for both pump and filter.  Here he's talking about creating a concrete platform for the pool's pump and main water filter, which need to be plumbed and wired in.  Art!

     DUDE observed of this list that it would have been a very hard task for 3 people to manage in less than five hours, yet they were down to 2 thanks to Jackass going off for a nap, then standing around criticising them.  Instead of, you know, helping.

     Right!  I am going to call a halt here, as the background has been established, otherwise this Intro would take up the whole blog.  Moving right along -

If Looks Could Nil

More recollections from Conrad's rubbish-tip skip of a mind.  Take a look at the Fairey Gannet, surely one of the ugliest aircraft to have ever wobbled into the air from the deck of an aircraft carrier.  Art!

     It was designed as an anti-submarine warfare aircraft and was, despite looking ten months pregnant, rather successful.  The wings folded down before it flew, I hasten to add.  

     HOWEVER - a word you surely knew was coming - it has been outdone by a recently-deployed Japanese electronic warfare airframe, the EC-2.  Art!

 

     That is one horrid-looking hairplane.

Who Is This Happy Smiling Chappy?

Art!

     It's Pan Mykola again, the 70-year old grandfather whose decrepit overloaded Zhiguli broke down in the centre of Kyiv.  This car went out of production 14 years ago, so it was at least that old.  The police were called, towed him to a garage and his car was repaired for free, allowing him to continue his journey.

     Plot twist: co-founder of Monobank, Oleh Horokhovskiy, got his details and gifted him a brand new pick-up truck, which is why we seem him smiling.  Art!

     Don't ask me what model of Peugeot it is, I have no idea.

     He probably had to have a learning session about things like power steering, cruise control, CD players and air-conditioning, and definitely using an automatic clutch.  Also the rules of correct cargo stowage.

Bilk The Milk

Another illuminating example of why South Canadian foods are often banned by us wicked Europeans, who cherish things like staying alive and healthy.  From the Twitter wag 'Daractenus', a Romanian whose English is better than a lot of the English.  Art!

     He misses a point here, commenting that South Canadian milk is banned from EU sale thanks to profit-driven farmers dosing their cows with exotic chemicals to gain a higher yield.  He missed the 'Raw' part of 'Raw Milk' here, because this swill is NOT pasteurised and is liable to inflict fearful scourging diseases on those daft enough to drink it.  Robert Kennedy Junkie, the South Canadian Secretary For Poisoning People, has been observed recently with an uncontrollable tremor in his hands.  I bet he drinks a gallon of this stuff every day and boasts about it.  Bafune.

I'm Warning You

I have yet to regale you with the 'Historical Notes' Youtube channel 'The Sherman Tank Was Not A "Death-Trap"' vlog, which lasted for 20 minutes and generated enough notes to probably create a whole BOOJUM! on it's own.

     Well, consider this.  art!

     Ol' Nick's opus here clocks in at 45 minutes.  I've already seen it once and recalled that his points are based on primary source materials, not anecdotes or urban legends.  If I did annotate and post about it, surely I would split it up and not post a single blog 5,000 words long?  Hmmm what do you want to bet ...

Finally -

Ending on a QI quote:

"Looking for fish?  Don't climb a tree" - Chinese proverb.  Try looking in pools*.

*  Ouch