Why Endure Haute Couture

Face It, Conrad Is A Slob

You will only see him in a suit at weddings or when in court, as his preferred plumage is very much t-shirt and jeans, and, if it's raining, that tatty red coat which desperately needs a wash.  I am also guessing at the pronunciation of 'Couture' as we are strangers, that word and I.  

     Why am I yarking on about clothing?  O I thought you'd never ask.  Art!

THIS!  THIS IS WHY!

     Forsooth, we are now onto the fourth heading from 'How To Not Die's vlog titled 'Everything Zombie Films Get Wrong About Survival' and yes, this one is about clothing.  Hence my subtle lead-in.  Subtle for me, anyway.  Art!

     Here's one trope that HTND gets absolutely right, and it peeves me no end.  They cite 'that guy', which I will translate as 'that chap', whom turns up in the survivor group wearing a tactical vest, loaded down with ballistic plates, molle pouches, grenades, a walkie-talkie, ammunition clips LEAVING HIS BARE FOREARMS TO BE BITTEN.  HTND go further and detail that wearing such equipment adds another 15 to 40 pounds mass to whatever else that chap is carrying.  Nor do tactical vests protect one's neck, face, hands or shins.  Take a look at those pikers above from 'Army Of The Dead', not a long-sleeved shirt amongst them.  Art!

     How can she be less suitably dressed - apart from being in a bikini which you slobbering perverts are not going to get - with the whole of both arms exposed?  Nor is that all that offends me about the clutch of clueless.  Art!

     Here's Dave Bautista showing off his biceps in his skimpy t-shirt, as well as his macho tattoos LOOK AT ALL THAT BARE FLESH! just asking to be bitten.  Bah!

     HTND is on much shakier ground when they allege that Tactical Vest Twod suffers from reduced mobility by a factor of 15% to 25% WHERE ARE THE SOURCES!  They also mention Terry The Tactical Vest Twod having difficulty climbing, which strikes me as curious; I don't think survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse are going to want to ascend Half Dome in their spare time, in spite of the lovely scenic views.  Art!

     We then move onto the subject of 'bite-proof clothing', where HTND exceed on the side of caution, and then some.  Art!

     Here is one of their suggested clothing fabrics: reinforced with strips of Kevlar.  Blimey! that would bend yer dentures some.  Definitely 'puncture-proof' as advertised.  They then suggest the frankly barmy option of chain-mail, since it's a lot lighter than plate armour and allows mobility whilst only weighing 8 pounds at most.  Art!

     Presumably modern-day chain-mail?  Art!

     ANYWAY AGAIN they state that 'bite penetration' is reduced by 60% - 85%  WHERE IS THE SOURCE! but Conrad thinks this is ridiculously over-thinking a solution, given that human bite strength is pretty feeble in the first place.  Don't forget that zombies do not practice good dental hygiene and their pegs are going to be loose in their gums or actively falling out.  If you doubt me, try wrapping a beef joint in a t-shirt and biting through it; have some soothing linctus present to ease the pain afterwards.  Art!

     They got back in my good graces when they praised Negan's flexible, forearm-vocering leather jacket as being very effective at foiling zed biting activity, even if their calculation of it reducing bite strength by 30% to 40% WHERE IS THE SOURCE! is waaay off target.  Repeat that beef joint experiment with it wrapped in a leather jacket and see if you can gnaw your way through in less than fifteen minutes.  Art!

You see, Dave, you can do it if you really try

     Yes, it's Dave Bautista again, as Sapper Morton in 'Blade Runner 2049' with nary a zombie in sight.  Why is he here?   O I thought you'd never ask!  Because he's wearing the most suitable clothing for roistering around during a Zombie Apocalypse; a boilersuit.  Art!

     There you go, full-length coverage for legs and arms, in a stout fabric that will not only resist zombie bites but repel oil and grease.  While HTND also rather  excessively recommended you wear snakebite-proof gloves, a bit over the top if you ask me.  Your average zomboid does not have needle-sharp fangs.  A stout pair of leather gloves will suffice.  You're welcome.  

     SO! Another heading covered, and one that irks Your Humble Scribe most gallingly.  

Bite me!

What's Wrong With This Picture?

     An illo put up on Twitter, asserting that this is a Vickers gun team in action before the battle of El Alamein.

     I shall allow you to study and we'll come back to it.

Pennington Again

Gosh, we're over a third of the way though this slideshow from 'Sci-Fi Art', a Youtube channel about walnuts.

     No! only testing.  Science fiction art, pretty obviously, and we'll go with another brace of Brucie's.  Art!

     Hmmmm.  Not sure what to make of this.  A man in a giant cocoon that's seen better days?  Definitely of the future as Bruce has included a futuristic city in the background to tip we, the audience, off.  Ah.  I had a little dig and the Silkies are part-human, part-fish and part-spaceship, all at the same time.  A bit hard for Bruce to portray that, so he's gone for the ratty cocoon.  Art!

     Well, no need to read the novel now that I've scanned the blurb on the back cover.  I have to say that's an awful lot of cats, or Hrrubans.  One wonders if Ol' Brucie didn't simply create a pattern and repeat it backwards into infinity.  Or did he paint every single one individually?  Madness!  The story seems to be of the order of Humans And Aliens Clash, but it does show the 'Barbara Cartland Of Sci-Fi' had more than one string to her bow.  Art!

Continuing The Literary Theme

We return to novels that are similar to 'Greybeard', Art!

     Including this here since the author 'James Tiptree Jr' was actually a woman (gasp! shock! egad!) called Alice Sheldon, who occasionally went by 'Racoona Sheldon' which is an wholly obvious pseudonym, and deceived readers for 10 years until the secret came out in 1977.  This revelation produced several very red faces amongst other sci-fi authors and editors who insisted that Jimmy could only be a man.  The book's a collection of short stories, so there.  Probably arch-miserablist in nature (the webpage admits that they're 'bleak' so I think I guessed correctly), given that 'Greybeard' itself is about the long, slow death of Hom. Sap.

     Wowsers, buzzkill.  We need a light and frothy item!

Bus-ted

No, I am not talking about the group, whom might have driven off a cliff five years ago - allow me to check - yes, they are still together and making music, although taking a break from touring.  Art!

     My ears are Busted-free so far these 65 years and shall remain so.  

     No, we are going to be observing a Public Service Vehicle, better known as a 'Bus', get what it richly deserves for being late or missing so many times.  Bear in mind that a Chieftain tank tips the scales at 55 tons.  Art!

     No, the Chieftain hasn't fired; that's engine smoke from them revving up the rotors.  Note, too, that the turret is reversed, as the driver doesn't want to risk messing things up by having the barrel impact bus first.  Art!

Take that, 409!

     Shame they didn't have a camera on the other side of the 409*.  55 tons of armour winning the argument.  Art!

     Argument over.  Art!

     Chieftain 1 Bus 0

     Or perhaps it's Chieftain 1 Bus 2 x 0.5

Finally -

Dog Buns, a 9-hour day and I pick up a call at 16:51! thus doing 13 minutes overtime.  At least it wasn't a translator call, they can take over an hour to resolve.  Now for that ginger beer.

*  Look, I KNOW it's not the 409.  Allow a man to dream.  

SILENCE!

IN THE STUDIO!

You need to have gotten up early in the morning to understand what Conrad is bloviating about here, for we are talking of events back in 1970, when an up-and-coming psychedelic rock band moved into avant-garde territory by including an orchestra and choir into their soundscape.  Art!

     Since this cannot possibly be The Comsat Angels, then it must be Pink Floyd, and are you ever correct.  This is the choir and brass recording for 'Atom Heart Mother' in 1970, which is relevant thanks to their drummer Nick Mason being recorded, via distorted media, as shouting  

     Silence in the studio!

     So now you know.  The theme for this Intro will be less 'Silence' and more 'Silencers', for we are venturing into the third Heading of 'How Not To Die's list of methodology that will sustain your life when The Apocalypse arrives.  This topic applies to both Zombie and Generic Apocalypses and will mystify and puzzle any denizens not native to South Canada.  Why so?  O I thought you'd never ask.  Art!

     This Heading is

THE QUIET SURPRESSOR FALLACY

Conrad seems to remember that Philip K. Dick had a protagonist whom invented a gun with a suppressor that actually increased the sound it made, which - you may be ahead of me here - is not what you want if your intent is to be sly and sneaky.  Art!

     To let you know, an unsuppressed gunshot is of the order of 160 decibels, and a suppressed gunshot is around 130 decibels.  Does this mean your gun is now firing at the same kind of muted pew-pew that James Bond manages?  Does it what! Art?

     The sound is now only (!) at the level of a jackhammer.  You see, suppressors, or silencers to give them an entirely inappropriate name, are only supposed to reduce decibels to mitigate hearing loss in the people using them, usually police or soldiers, not render them inaudible in the next room.

     Getting into the technical weeds, HTND state that suppressed firearms are audible WITH ONCE AGAIN NO SOURCES QUOTED at between 50 to 500 yards in the open, and unsuppressed weapons 1 to 3 miles in the open.  Rather a blanket statement since open terrain, urban echoes, wind, weather and ambient noise will all affect audibility.  Art!

     What you're looking at here is a British army sniper-location acoustic system called CLARIBEL, which they used in Ulster to define where the Provos were shooting from.  The thing is, in urban terrain, yo get echoes and re-echoes of the echoes, which also echo, meaning it can be extremely difficult to determine where a shot has originated from.  Thus zombies - whom do not have the best set of organic detection systems extant - are liable to wander off following fake leads.  Art!

    'The Last Of Us' goes into melee weapons bigly-style, for they are SILENT and do not attract more revs.  Also no need for extensive maintenance, repair or ammunition.  The unpleasant consequence is that you need to be able to keep wielding a sabre or lance or mace indefinitely, god bless your strong right arm.  

     We might be getting into the weeds of the weeds here, but I would like to go beyond HTND's list of options and into more esoteric answers.  As an instance, did you know the .45 ACP round as used in the M1911A1 was subsonic?  Art!

     A round from this will put you on your bottom in a position from which you will not recover, and it will do it below sonic barrier performances, so - no loud CRACK when fired.  Normally the enormously loud sound of a .45 firing will bring in all the zeds to see what's going on, except - Art!

     Perfidious Albion invented this rifle version called the De Lisle Carbine, a weapon so treacherously quiet that the bolt cycling is the noisiest thing about it.  It uses .45 ACP ammunition and the whispers are that it was used by the Sneaky-Peaky Keeni-Meeni Brigade in the Falklands and also Gulf War #1.  If you have oe of these in your arsenal then Hello My Old Friend.

     ANYWAY ANYWAY HTND also shies away from using decoy fireworks to divert zombie attention, as with 'Land Of The Dead', where this is a major part of the plot.  Trust me, No Diversionary Fireworks = Much Shorter Film.  Plus also see my fanfiction where they use motion-triggered children's toys.  You're decoying zombies, chaps, it isn't too hard.  Think Ruffian football fans, just with a lower IQ.

     Right, we've got a lot to get through, so let's force baldly, or even boldly, on.

The Dorado Lounge Experience

Which is an eating venue in Warrington, lest ye be unaware.  Where the assembled families sought to approve the prospective matrimonial bond 'tween Tom and Sal.  Forsooth, have they not been a partnership for these <checks> thirty-seven years <checks diary again> thirty seven months - hang on - <checks 2020 diary> quite a while.  Art!

     Conrad is the furry white congruence at the back.  I swear I was trying to look all Compos Mentis and Laughing.  May need to work on that a bit.

Not Sure If This Is AI Or Simply Bad Camera

I have taken this illo from 'Canada Hates Trump', a Twitter channel that posts what it states, where - you may be ahead of me here - they Tweet about how Canuckistanians detest Candace Von Yamteats.  Art!

    Mister Triple-chin himself, in all his lunar-regolith skin quality only bettered by the exterior trunk analysis of an sequoia four hundred year-old tree.  He looks as if his morning routine involves marinading his face in a gravy boat, or being shot-blasted with <REDACTED>

    Apologies if you were expecting a paean to the Decomposing Dogbutt  Dingleberry, that's not going to happen here.

Get  Thee Behind Me, Brucie

You know, Bruce Pennington, the person of focus on 'Sci-Fi Art' and their portfolio they had of his works.  Art!

       One has to say that the Interpreter has as much Hom. Sap. to them as you have about your day-to-day shenanigans.  Is he interpreting Swahili into Japanese, or Magyar into Finnish?  We shall never know.  Unless - hang on <digging commences> ah right - Earth under alien rule.  Also, ironically -

The novel has been translated into several languages, including German, Portuguese, Dutch, French, Russian and Polish.

     ANYWAY AGAIN lots of the background bobbles that Brucie likes, and The Interpreter of the title, yet none of the enormous three-limbed Nul whom have conquered and colonised Earth.  Art!

     Another Brucie because otherwise we'll never get through the 7-minute slideshow - this is only 2:40 into it, horrors!

     ANYWAY ANYWAY another title cover with no preamble artwork and Brucie's staples of: a building made out of coral, a mystery skeleton and a queue of flying vehicles leading backwards to infinity, if the Coral Church weren't in the way.   Conrad has the feeling that this work came out with a different title in Perfidious Albion.  Am I right*?

Moving Swiftly Along

Nothing to do with Taylor.  Rather, the dotty doyen of spotty dotty detailed dartwork is dead.  Art!

     She really was one of a kind.  We here at BOOJUM! graced our pages with her exhibition at the Aviva Gallery in Gomorrah-on-the-Irwell a few years back and I have the program knocking around in the Sekrit Layr.  You won't find many artists whom create their work from a ward in a mental hospital, but that was old Yayoi.

Finally -

I have yet to crack the covers of the expensive hardback edition I bought in York, so it's nice to know that other people hold it in high regard.  If it's so wonderful how come more people haven't bought a copy and thus gotten a cheaper paperback release, hmmmm?  Art!

     That's a verrrry old photo of Tom, by the way.  He's got his teeth fixed since then.

 * No, which is why I'm relegating the truth to a footnote.

Froth-free For Thee

We Have Gone Over 'Dictatoritis' A Lot

Sufficiently that I can put it to bed as a subject, until or unless I dig out a few Medieval or Early Modern autocrats to castigate.  I bet China would be an interesting case study circa 1000 AD.  So, we are bubble-free today, hence the title.

     ANYWAY onto a much lighter topic.  Okay, okay, not much lighter.  Okay, okay, an equally grim topic.  Happy now?  For we are back to Conrad's annotations of, and critiques also, of the 'How Not To Die' Youtube vlog's 'Everything Zombie Movies Get Wrong About Survival'.  Art!

Their logo

     For one thing, skulls do not come equipped with eyeballs.  Then again, I am a hair-splitting pedant of the very finest brand.

     ANYWAY onto their second trope, which is -

LOOTING SUPERMARKETS FIRST

Art!

From 'Greenland'

     They confidently assert that your local supermarket may be the first choice to obtain supplies but will - a bit of a downer - 'get you killed'.  Since their advice crosses all sorts of apocalypse boundaries, I have used a still from 'Greenland', where the imminent disaster is an inbound comet, not the undead.  

     HTND quote the statistic that a single supermarket typically serves between 10,000 to 50,000 customers per week WITHOUT QUOTING A SOURCE THE BAD LADS, so I did a bit of Google-fu and they're in the right cricket-ground.  From 13,500 to potentially 70,000 for the very large stores.  Art!

     Well, they tried.  Based on UNSOURCED 'disaster recovery models', HTND blithely assert that a supermarket will be stripped clean within 48 to 72 hours of The Apocalypse arriving, which other Commenters found a bit rosy-tinted.

small pointer: covid times showed that the 48 to 72 hours is a veeeeery optimistic view

yeah exactly more like 6-12 hours at max

     ANYWAY AGAIN all those shoppers have the same idea - LOOT IT! and once again a lack of sources, instead a generic problem list of hurricanes - not a concern here in Perfidious Albion, thanks very much - blackouts and supply chain collapses.  Art!

     One problem that HTND get right is that all these people concentrated in one place will cause a commotion, especially if they get into fights with each other over the last tin of Chef Boyardee Hot Dog Dinner*.  Then, once inside the supermarket, room to manoeuvre is highly restricted and avoiding the zeds becomes highly problematic.  Supermarkets, entirely reasonably, are not designed to be zombie-proof.  Art!

     Conrad can also think of a rather grimmer scenario playing out after those 72 hours are up, since the people who live closest to the supermarket will have had the best opportunity to loot the best supplies.  Ergo, bandits late to the scene might well trawl the neighbourhood for local houses to loot.  Just a typical cheery thought.      There are alternatives to supermarkets that pose less risk of other looters and less zed risk, too, which HNTD are to be congratulated for listing.  Hardware stores, pharmacies and veterinary clinics and wholesale warehouses are, they claim WHERE IS THE SOURCE? between 60% to 70% less likely to be stripped bare, and they cite 'The Walking Dead' as moving to such locations to source supplies.  Feed stores, by which I take it they mean feed for livestock, are a source of bulk calories, without the vlog going into exactly what they mean by 'bulk calories'.  Allow me.  Art!

     None of which is fit for human consumption, unless you like severe food-poisoning unto death.  'Bulk calories for horses', shall we say.  Veterinary clinics would have anti-biotics, hardware stores would have weapons and construction materials.       One venue they omit is one Conrad is particularly aware of: supermarket distribution centres.  Where do you think the supplies in your local Tesco or Walmart come from?  A central distribution point that supplies all the marts in a particular region; think of an aircraft hangar with chiller cabinets and freezers.  Art!

     That's a Sainsbo's Central Distribution Centre, and you can see how freakishly huge the site is.  Not only that, they tend to be located way out in the middle of nowhere so as to be equidistant from as many supermarkets as possible, hence their remoteness means far fewer looters or zeds.  Only reallllly viable as long as you have a vehicle and usable fuel.
     Hmmm, didn't think we'd get a whole Intro out of that single subject, yet we did.  Don't worry, there are 8 other headings to work through.  I bet you can hardly wait.

Progress Report

I like to keep you informed.  I am now up to Episode 25 of 'The Great War', meaning there's this one and Episode 26 before we're done and I get back ninety minutes at a time.  Art!

     That's the tally of photographs taken, days ago as we're now probably over 300 of them.  43 pages of A4 notes, although not all are complete, so perhaps only really 35 in toto.

     The problem is, what to do with all these notes and pictures?  They constitute about a solid week's worth of whole blogs by themselves, which might be too dry a theme to sustain.  The other prospect is doing them one Episode at a time, larded with the photo screenshots.  Not putting them on BOOJUM! at all?  Unthinkable!  Art?

Inclement For Some

We have mentioned that most excellent of OSINT compilers and mappers, 'Clement Molin', previously, as he continues to map out the conflict in Ukraine and is used as a touchstone resource by other vloggers, including 'Jake Broe'.  Jake put up a few maps that Clement had compiled, and the result is, as punned above, inclement for the orcs of Mordorvia.  Art!

     Here's the preceding article Jake was talking about; 'Magyar's Birds' and their utterly relentless drone campaign across Krim and the occupied territories, with the total number of energy targets they've hit of late - 315 as per the counter, 21 in the last 3 days.  Art!

     Jake states that there are 220 sub-stations identified as being hit and destroyed by Clem, and I'll take his word for it.  Winter in Krim and the occupied territories is going to be miserable for the occupiers, and any remaining locals.  Art!

     The white dots are gas infrastructure - actual gas as in 'Gazprom' and not the incorrect South Canadian usage of the word instead of the correct English 'petrol' - and the red dots are petrochemical infrastructure, which have been paid a visit by Angry Kozaky Birds.  Which has led to a return to enormous queues for petrol allllll across Mordorvia.  Art!

     The wisest commentators assume that the vanishing of queues in mid-July was due to the release of an emergency reserve stock of petrol, which has now run out, and the long, long lines of cars are back - everywhere.  Including Barad-Duh, which Putinpot tries to shield from the war's effects if at all possible, so things are bad and if this continues he might be shown footage that he can then bloviate about.

Eyes Bigger Than Stomach

Meaning one can fill a plate with too much food, since the eyes don't have to accommodate it but the stomach does.  To what am I referring?  Art!

     

     With hand for scale.  Yes, here's Jimmi from 'Flavour Trip' cooking up a huge pan of food for himself and Amii, whom is on the petite side and surely not capable of eating half of that dish?  Plus there's another large plate of stuff off to one side, implying that there shall be even more to eat in a few minutes.

Finally -

I shall post later of the Plans from Sunday that came to fruition, but here is another Thief Of Time that Col put forward that I have to check out as otherwise it would be rude - 

     Conrad is a positive tyro when it comes to planes, so we shall see.

*  If such exists.  Hang on -

Chef Boyardee never made an official canned product called "Hot Dog Dinner," but people often mix this up with SpaghettiOs with Franks (made by Campbell's) or nostalgic homemade "struggle meals" combining canned pasta and sliced hot dogs.