No, The Intro Isn't About Mis-spelled Nine Today
The 'line' referred to here is a telephone line.
A little backstory about why Conrad chose this particular Malicious Compliance tale to tell. As you should surely know by now, I used to work for HR at the Co-Op and Sainsbo's, which always involved a lot of telephone work from customers and stakeholders ringing us. One of the prize calls I took was from a very well-spoken woman who wanted to know why there were no 'Mini-Shredded Wheat' on sale at her local Co-op. I cobbled together a convincing excuse about SEL - Shelf-Edge Labelling - and sales figures and individual store management being entitled to make decisions about stock. Art!
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| Bite-sized Shredded Wheat ain't going to attract traffic. A 'tank' definitely will. |
This background is one reason why I took the temp gig at Footasylum - no phone work. At my current coyly un-named employer, it's all phone work.
ANYWAY this Intro is based on an 'r/Slash' compilation on their Youtube channel, as narrated by BAnking Telephone TestimonY, hereafter BATTY. They worked as a Customer Service Officer for an un-named South Canadian bank, and were on the afternoon into evening shift, expecting to finish at 22:00 hours. The only other person on the floor was their NIght Manager, hereafter NIM, whom I can absolutely guarantee was also watching the seconds tick away.
I know the feeling they described as the clock ticks down to Close Of Business, where you dread a call coming in at 21:59:59, from someone with poor English, an accent you could slice and put in a sandwich, and an attitude. Art!
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| Not what I anticipated, Art, but we'll let it stand |
There is nothing and had been nothing on the Call Monitor Screen - the great god that supervisors at the Co-Op would routinely sacrifice their first-born to - until a call comes in shortly before closing, which BATTY picks up. Ooops. The caller, Entitled Abusive Telephoner, hereafter EAT, instantly complains about having to wait ages in the call queue, when there hadn't been one. BATTY explains to us that the longest EAT would have been waiting was 60 seconds as they went through the IVR - the 'call-tree' of options.
BATTY making an insincere apology about keeping EAT waiting, the caller then states that they're challenging being charged for not clearing their credit card spending and how they don't like paying the 'bloodsuckers' any more than they have to. You just failed your Charm School test, matey.
BATTY then checks their profile on his customer database. Ooops. Art!
Then he checked 'Customer Interactions', which was a notes field where his colleagues and managers would make entries on their calls with the customer. It was a very long list, going back many months. I can tell you from experience that a list of that length and detail is an immediate red flag. So it was with EAT. Their modus operandi was to ring up and complain about being charged for not clearing their credit card balance each month, then threatening to close their account if the fee was not waived. His behaviour got so egregious that the bank's Head Of Customer Relations and Retentions, whose job it was to keep customers, added a note saying that, if EAT threatened to close his account, it was to be actioned instantly.
You can probably see where this is going. Art!
BATTY calls NIM over and brings him up to speed. NIM merely tells him to go ahead and carry out the instructions if EAT gets entitled and antsy. Which they do when told the fees are valid and will not be waived. Once again, the threat to close their account is voiced, so BATTY asks them to confirm they want their credit card, savings and transactional account closing.
"Yes, are you stupid?"
Malicious compliance mode engaged!
BATTY, whom is glad that EAT cannot see the enormous grin on his face, immediately hits Hold and has NIM help to close down the account. It was a preferential account meant to only be accessed after several years, so there is a 10% penalty to pay, which in this case applies to $20,000, meaning $2,000 in penalty payments. Ooops. Art!
BATTY then takes EAT off Hold and informs that, as per request, their account has been closed down. EAT then thanks him and ends the call.
NOT! No, they go stark raving made, threatening to sue BATTY, the bank, NIM, their branch in the Sanjak of Novi Pazar, and Clarissa the Cannibal Combat Chicken. O and the police were mentioned.
In their best Customer Service Officer voice, BATTY informs EAT that the entire phone call had been recorded and he'd only done what he'd been explicitly told to do, then hangs up.
NIM proved to be the second MVP, sending a report to the HOCRAR with an attached file of the call. HOCRAR, rather incensed, sent EAT a letter stating that they were permanently banned from the bank's premises and if they ever tried to contact by phone or in person, police would be called.
The killing joke is that BATTY posted how much EAT was calling to try and get waived - all of $30.
Some people!
Falling Down
No! Not the film featuring Michael Douglas, whom stars as a man wearing a pocket protector, that most mighty of totems, and toting a bag of guns and rockets in what is probably Joel Schumacher's best directorial moment. Instead we have - Art!
King Piggy being forcefully dragged from his seat at the White House Correspondent's Dinner, by the very laggardly Secret Service. He was probably fighting to remain and finish his Happy Meal. Art!
You can just see the top of his Hair Helmet as he falls down. No word on whether it was his ankles, knees or hips that gave way, or if he simply tripped like a doofus. His explanation is that 'Someone' told him to get down, as he cannot stand being seen as weak or feeble, except that there were mikes all over the place and nobody said any such thing. By next week his narrative will be that he personally saved everyone by heroically falling flat in order to save his ballroom and it was all Biden's fault. Thank you for your attention to this fatter!
"The Singing, Ringing Tree"
No, not the terrifying 1957 East German television film, which haunted the dreams of a generation of children in the UK. This one is just as forbidding and dark. Art!
The 'Tree' part is purely metaphorical as this thing looks more like a war crime waiting to happen. It sits - or perhaps 'lurks' is a better noun - in the hills above Burnley, where it plays what is laughably called 'music' when the wind blows across the ends of it's horrid piping. Art!
Conrad predicting that he is never going to visit. Ever. What a monstrosity!
Perun Or Pig?
In case you're unaware, 'Perun' is the Antipodean whose grandparents emigrated there from Croatia, and whom puts up detailed OSINT Youtube vlogs, principally about the war in Ukraine. They're absolute gems but are at least an hour long. No, I cannot put up a picture of him, he deliberately avoids any such kind of self--promotion. Art!
Then we have 'Lazerpig', the gay Northern Irelander whom used to work in a lowly position at MI5, and whose vlogs are a lot jazzier than Perun's, and with a lot more swears. Take this one as an example. Almost an hour long? On the other hand, in one of his vlogs from 2024, he did put in a good word for the A15 Crusader tank, so he's not all bad. Art!
In all his hirsute glory. This is one I may come back to, as I cannot remember if I've seen Part I. You have to admit, 'Morozov's Pimp Wagon' is not anywhere as flattering as standard NATO descriptions.
Finally -
Going out with another Biercism.
"Chimpanzee, n: a species of pansy cultivated in Africa."
