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Monday 31 October 2016

RELEASE THE BATS!

Fear Not, Those Of You Unlucky Enough -
 - not to live in the Allotment*, because this post is nothing to do with the noble and ancient sport of cricket, which is a blessing as Conrad knows nothing about it.  Really, the only thing I can tell you about cricket is that one of the fielding positions is called "Silly Mid On", and you'll have to Google as to why that is, since I have a schedule to keep.
Image result for cricket bats prison
Hmmm.  I'll allow this one, Art.
     Nor, again, is this post anything to do with the seminal Birthday Party single "Release the Bats" - Youtube link here:


     Although, given that the BP were Australian, they might indeed have had a cricket sub-text in there; you know the Australians - drinking, waging war on the Axis and cricket are all in their DNA.
Image result for nick cave
Nick Cave, brooding Antipodean and film chap.
     No, what I am taking a long time getting to is my attendance at the John Carpenter gig at the Victoria Warehouse.  This tour is entitled "Release the Bats", and given that John is a South Canadian, he might have these on his mind:
Image result for baseball bats
Or knot.
(Ha!)
     So, let the rotley begin festering!

     Dateline:  Saturday 29th October 2016
     Your humble scribe ventured boldly onto the tram on this day, a novel experience, and then rode it all the way out to Pomona Station, the closest stop to Victoria Warehouse.  Not being very clear exactly where it was, I decided to ask a party of fellow travellers if they knew VW's location.  This was not entirely a shot in the dark, as one of their party was dressed up as a pretty fair imitation of Snake Plissken, eyepatch and all.  No gun - a wise omission in this country's security climate.
     "Who is John Carpenter?  What is Snake Plissken?" I can hear some of you whining.  If Snake were real you wouldn't be asking that for long.  Art?
Image result for escape from new york
Standing joke: "I heard you were dead."
     I didn't ask the impersonator about the snake tattoo as this kind of thing can easily be misconstrued.  
     One short walk later - HOLY RAVIOLI! 
     Sorry, but the weekend's coincidence rolled in and bit me on the arse as I was taking my ticket out of my wallet en route to VW.
See!  See!  "Release the bats"
     Just as I did so, a bat, a real live one, cruised over the path and the railing next to me.  There and gone in a split second, obviously I didn't have time to get a picture for you skeptics out there so you'll just have to take my word for it.
     As we neared the venue I took a photo.  Art?

     The best way to experience VW - from a long way off whilst going somewhere else.  Many a football fan did this as a football match had apparently finished quite recently, as they regarded us film fans with a touch of bemusement.
     Then, a long wait ensued.  Conrad, an aging man with large feet that spread his weight around, and a weight that has decreased a lot of late, was still not enjoying all this standing around.  Don't forget, I'd already spent half the afternoon queueing at 'Travelling Man' for the very gentlemanly Mike Mignola**.

     Feeling achey about the feet isn't very rock 'n' roll, is it?  although I could console myself that I was the oldest person in - DAMN IT!  That elderly gent visible in the picture above looks to be in his seventies.  Curses.  I can't even make my usual claim.
     We then proceeded to the security check, where the multiple sub-divisions of my bag fooled the steward into overlooking the man with all the pens***.  Oho.  Someone has a sense of humour - 
Another "Escape From New York" reference
     Proof that either another VW minion has a sense of humour and a variable-speed drill with adjustable bits, or John provided a bit of prop material:
A "The Thing" reference.  Apart from the Ash trays.  That's probably "Evil Dead"
     Then we get a view of the venue, which is grim and unappealing indeed.  Art?
The picturesque part
     "Grimy Victorian Industrial Squalor" is not a winning look in the opinion of your humble scribe.  Your views may vary, in which case the exit door is THAT WAY!
     Allow me to display the mixing decks in the main hall.  Art?

     If you were late in, then this is where you got to stand, meaning that you couldn't hear or see the stage at all^.  There's a lot of comments on Facebook and the M.E.N. website complaining about this, deriding the venue for overbooking.
     Conrad's got no complaints!  I was right up at the front.  See?
Close enough to spit.
(Though I am far too well-bred to do so)

     And we will leave it there for tonight, as I can easily string out another post from the band's performance alone.

* The Allotment of Eden, that is.  Britain!
**  You know, creator of "Hellboy"
***  Melanie - "The Girl With All The Gifts"; Conrad - "The Man With All The Pens".  Is there a film in there?
^  Cue evil snicker.

Sunday 30 October 2016

Eels: Rock Band Conquers Universe!

Well - Kinda
This, like all good things (and not a few bad ones along the way), is going to take a bit of explaining.  First of all, we have Mr. E, the driving force behind Eels, which is an interesting metaphor as, whilst we have the aphorism "herding cats", I don't think I've ever seen one along the lines of "marshalling eels".
     Anyway, Mr. E is more formally known as Mark Everett, famous son of the not-at-all famous-unless-you're-a-quantum-physicist Hugh Everett.
Image result for hugh everett
Ticks all boxes!
     "Who?" I hear you chorus.  "He's not some minor character in "Torchwood", is he?"
     NO!  He most certainly is not.  No, Hugh is responsible for what we will call the "Many Worlds" concept of quantum physics, which - take this on trust, the maths behind it fills whole libraries - means that there are an infinite number of realities that parallel our own, where things may diverge very very slightly from our own reality (ABBA remain an obscure Finnish pop group and the hideous musical monstrosity "Mama Mia" is never created) or by a huge margin (George Washington and his treacherous ingrates are righteously defeated in 1777).
Image result for hugh everett
Mr. E - by his own admission, unable to add up a grocery list
     So, somewhere, off in Alternative #857 x 106, Mr. E is indeed the local global dictator.  Meanwhile, back on Planet Earth (Reality #1), we have - 

"Theodore Rex"
This film came up in conversation on that early morning lifter-of-spirits, the Flophouse.  As happens on occasion, Elliott had been suborned to go do his real world job, with a guest star in place.  Whilst discussing "The Sound of Music Thunder" Stewart and Dan mentioned "Theodore Rex", leaving their guest (sorry they didn't introduce him) gagging* with excited disbelief.
     "Is that a REAL film?" he gurgled, clearly unsure if the capricious and cruel Flopsters were telling the truth or not.
Image result for theodore rex
Whoopi on the left.  Just so you know
     They were.  O were they ever.  Starring Whoopi Goldberg back when she was big box-office (1995), she rashly agreed to do this, probably when drunk at a party.  Having sobered up the following week, she tried to back out of this commitment, only to be threatened with a $20 million lawsuit.
     She settled for a $7 million paycheck**, and a simmering sense of injustice, if not outright hatred, that permeated her entire performance.  Since her character was a surly, gruff, grizzled detective nobody noticed the difference.
Image result for theodore rex
CGI Smile
     The real problem came when this cinematic clinker*** was released, although you may have already guessed where things had gone wrong:  "In an alternative reality where humans and dinosaurs co-exist, someone is killing off dinosaurs ..."
Image result for chicxulub crater
Chicxulub: the Number One Suspect
     It was an extremely silly premise.  Not only that, Whoopi refused to have anything to do with the film once principal photography was done; they had to CGI her into any publicity shots being shot.  The studio suits who had, shortly before, been rubbing their hands with glee at having shoe-horned a star into their vehicle, threw up those very same hands in horror and consigned the whole thing to Direct To Video.  At $30 million for the day this was a very expensive mistake, which manages to score as high as 2.4 on IMDB.

Wooden't It Be Nice -
Ah yes, recall the splendid accordian opening of that Beach Boys classic, which has nothing whatsoever to do with the following.
     I know, I know, typical me <snorts in an hideous imitation of laughter>!
     Art? Picture, please.
O boy what a question!
     I think Conrad would be a "Lumberjack" here, or, if you want to be all contemporary and shizzle, "Logger".
Image result for logger
Yeah!
     It's no j-oak.

Of Matters Korean
Back in the day when BOOJUM! was just starting out, we used to mock North Korea, because they were such an easy target.  Of course, now that we avoid Politics, Religion and Currant* Affairs, and also because kicking a comatose man when he's lying supine at your feet with a "Please Kick Me" sign offers no challenge, we have moved on.  Slightly.
     So, I have been watching "Train to Busan" this weekend and can only recommend it to you K-zombie movie fans out there.  Well worth a watch!  Indeed, you don't need to be a fan of Korean films to enjoy it.  Please persist in locating a film venue showing it - in Manchester, officially known as the Second City Of Europe, we have only one cinema with a limited release.
Image result for train to busan
Read it and weep, First Bus!  WEEP!

*  4 "G"'s - a word with some gravity about it
** Note correct spelling
*** "Clinker" = ashy waste
*  Sorry.  Baking a cake with dried fruit in it tonight.