Teatroit

Wait For It

Ha!  Sometimes I amuse even myself.  Don’t fret, we’ll get around to the subject of today’s tea-themed titular tease (Do you see what I did there?  All the “T”’s?  Get – oh you do). 

     As you know, Conrad likes to promote Britain, the most glorious Allotment in the world (Allotment as today the sun is shining), trying his best to appear more British than a bowler-hatted badger biting a bacon butty.  So he wonders what treachery the weather will inflict.  You cannot take it for granted that the sunny vista below will continue, not even for the next 10 minutes.  Art?  Less coal, more picture!

A bright beautiful morning.  So far.

 Bollywood In Yorkshire

When Conrad says he is interested in Indian culture, this is more than a passing interest in scoffing a curry.  For one thing –

Yes yes yes – for one thing, India has the second largest population in the world.  Then again, it is the world’s largest democracy.  Thirdly, and you just knew this was going to be in here SOMEWHERE – tea!

     One of the more incongruously amusing things about Bollywood films is that the cast will be chattering away in Hindi and then throw in “Oh, good morning!” in English to one another.

     Here an aside.  The British Army, pre-Partition, always had a second home in India; a young British subaltern could live far more cheaply in India than based back home in one of the swankier regiments.  Thus the Army acquired a patina of Indian words that convinced every ranker that they were fluent in Hindi.  You had punkah-wallahs, acting as a primitive form of air-conditioning.  You drank char – never mere tea! – or chotah-pegs (a type of alcoholic drink, the exact composition of which is obscure to your humble hack).  Your uniform was dyed khaki, and a gun was a bundook.

Doncaster Racecourse

     Aside over.  Back to Bollywood, filming in – Yorkshire! Of all places.  What, Lancashire’s not good enough for you?  Because Yorkshire has well-kept architecture of the Thirties, which at present are standing in for the Berlin Olympics, where the Indian hockey team – confess, you’d no idea it was an Olympic sport, did you? – thrashed the German team 8 – 1.  Ha!  Take that, Nazis.

     Conrad wishes the production well – after all, they bring in a lot of money, even if it is being spent in Yorkshire.

     The rain will be a culture-shock, though …

The champs!

BOOJUM! Review Films

It’s been a while since we threw brickbats at film, so let me review how we do this.

1)     However the hell we feel like.

2)    Arbitrarily.

3)    Nastily.

     I think that covers all bases.  Next!

Chance:  Not exactly giving a lot away here, are they?  Lead actor is Hugh Laurie, who is probably the only Brit actor in Hollywood who is not automatically cast as a bad guy.  Thank you, Hollywood. 

     Ah!  I know – it is going to be about the manufacture of aircraft.  It will be about the Chance-Vought aircraft company.  Sounds dull.

Detroit:  O boy.  This one doesn’t look light-hearted or jolly, not in any way.  GRIM! Is what it yells to this humble critic.  Detroit itself is not a major tourist destination.  “Based on and inspired by true factual actual happening events” it boasts – meaning probably made up from whole cloth.

     Here an aside.  It features John Boyega, whom you will recognise as the turncoat/patriot Finn in “The Force Awakens”.  Well, he began in “Attack the Block”, where he played a chavvy little scrote so convincingly that Conrad had to remind himself “He’s acting!  He’s acting!” and indeed he was.

Detroit

Atomic Blonde: Not to be confused with Blondie and Atomic.  Conrad not sure what to make of this, as it has a somewhat tarty looking lady with a gun on the poster.  Is she powered by a fission engine?  Does she shoot californium-tipped bullets from that gun*?  Does she work for the Nuclear Installations Inspectorate?  Conrad wants to know!

“Uncharted”

Conrad somewhat puzzled again.  Not by the apparent EMP fratricidal design of the Ruffians Anti-Ballistic Missile A135 system, or at least not today.  No, he is puzzled by the bus poster that bangs on about “Uncharted”.

     What is it?  A game?  A television program? A film? None of the above? 

     The marque for “Playstation” is appended to the poster, which leads your humble scribe to suspect that it is a game – but there’s nothing to confirm this.  Are these people so big-headed they think I already have an extensive background in whatever tat they are peddling?

     Away with you!

     Bah!

He's good for uncharted space ...

  

*  Your average-sized bullet made of Californium has a theoretical yield of about a metric ton of TNT.