You're secretly rather impressed at how long and how often I can work in tea-based puns, and I've just been watching Game Of Thrones (hence the "GoT"), so the whole thing hangs together, which I can say with a certain degree of smugness. Don't worry, there are no spoilers here, though you might want to lay in a supply of cocoa given how cold things get when you watch the latest GoT episode. Ice Ice Baby!
Hang on, let me just check to see if Ben Folds is still alive - Phew! he is, it was just a slip from the bottom step, although it was onto concrete.
Okay, I shall rattle through the rest of this particular Intro, as we have a fair amount to get through. Let the motley lurch forward with it's parietal stride!
Shakespoke
One of the benefits of having a dog, and thus having to walk said domesticated wolf, is that it provides one with the opportunity to think undistracted. Apart from ensuring that Edna does not pick a fight with a bigger dog - which is most of them - and seeing her spurn the less-than-special treats, your humble scribe gets to think up all sorts of mischievous nonsense.
So! Let us without any further delay deploy a few verbal slings and arrows with which to puncture the pampered posterior of Windbag Willy, the Barf of Avon*.
"To be, or not to be, that is the question."
Actually, Bill, it's a matter of digestion.
If a plateful of bees is all that's on your menu,
I don't think I'll be round to have tea with you.
Ha! <snaps fingers, hurts fingers, cries> Take that, Bill. I think the original line is from "Hamlet", which is a play about - er - cigars? Aki Kaurismaki does a pretty fair Finnish re-interpretation of this, which you might want to watch**. Next!
"To be, or not to be, that is the question."
Sounds as if you're in class 2B teaching a lesson.
It also sounds as if you're in over your head -
I predict a whole lot of trouble with OFSTED.
For those of you living beyond the hallowed shores of the Allotment, OFSTED is a governmental body that snoops around schools and education providers, giving teachers high blood pressure. Insulting Billy Barf and in one go is a minor triumph, I feel.
One last rubbing of lemon juice into the wound -
Sounds as if Bill has lost his mental direction.
If, Bill, you're not sure whether or not to exist,
I think this is proof that you've gone round the twist.
Oho, and also aha. I bet Bill wishes he'd never been inflicted upon your humble scribe at O Level and A Level.
So You Want To Press The Self Destruct Button?
But also to avoid being rendered dead as mutton? Then follow this Dummies Guide To Being A Successful Supervillain***, or part of it thereof.
We have touched on how to ensure you or your idiot minions don't accidentally trip the self-destruct button - and incidentally a button is the very LAST design feature you want, as we have emphasised - and how to avoid warning all the incriminating witnesses that a self-destruct is actually in progress, so now we look at ensuring the process is irreversible.
ONE-WAY: If a panicky minion or JLA member discovers that a self-destruct is in progress, you need to have ensured your fusion device can't be defused or disconnected. It would therefore be beneficial to have several decoy doors with "DANGER OF DEATH DO NOT ENTER!" in stark red lettering upon them. Plus a further decoy of a sinister black box in one of your sub-basements, which they would find was ticking ominously ...
Of course, should they bother to hack it open, all they'd find was a cuckoo-clock, as the real fusion device is hidden in a broom cupboard under a mop bucket.
Finally -
Because I have a few words to manage before we hit count, I think I shall add-in a British Admiralty Fire-Control Clock, because it sounds freaky and because I can. Art?
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| State of the art in 1927! |
* I do not like him, AT ALL, as you may have noticed.
** "Might" meaning "you had better"
*** By continuing to read you agree to pay BOOJUM! £187 as a consultancy fee. Ta.
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