In The History Of Bad Ideas -

 - Invading Russia Is Near The Top
As mentioned in previous blogs, Conrad is reading Paul Britten Austin's account of Napoleon's invasion of Russia, which is a collection of three works under the title "Napoleon's Invasion of Russia".  Not the most original of titles, perhaps, yet wholly indicative of the content.
     In case you are unaware, Napoleon invaded Russia in the summer of 1812, trying to bring Tsar Alexander to the negotiating table.  There were any number of inconclusive battles, the French took Moscow, the Russians burned it down, the French (and Prussians Polish and Spanish and Italian and Croatian and so on) retreated.  Only a fraction of the French army eventually made it back to the safety of Poland.

A Prussian

     That being said, Conrad can point out to any prospective World Dictator why invading Russia is a bad idea.
     Firstly, Russia is a very big country.  A lot of it is made up of Siberia, true, which still leaves a lot that isn't.  A big country requires a lot of occupying force.

There's a lot of it about

     Secondly, Russia has a large population.  This means a large army, and if they apply conscription, a very large army.  The quality might not be that great, true, yet there's an awful lot of it to deal with.

0.1% ofn display

     Thirdly, your average Russian male (no women in their armed forces) is a hulking great brute who probably enjoys bear-wrestling as a hobby at weekends, in between his other hobby, which is necking bottles of vodka.

Oh, I forgot to add - Russians - all bonkers.

     The only recent successful invasion of Russia came in the First Unpleasantness, although by the time the Ruffians caved they had gone through three years of total war and two revolutions, and the collapse of the Teutons in late 1918 got rid of the invaders anyway*.  I say recent because I think the Poles got to Moscow in the Seventeenth Century.
     So there you have today's Intro, educational as ever.

The Flophouse Podcast: The Three Musketeers
Part of the fun of listening to this broadcast is the three hosts descending into shrieks of laughter as they riff on the film being reviewed.  They audibly enjoy their podcast, infectiously so.  Conrad was impressed that they mentioned the "Oscillation Overthruster" - but I digress and we'll get back to that.Thus we move on to their review of this film.
     "Steampunk ninja" sums up the ethos for this turkey; one feels the producers were big fans of martial arts movies and directed the scriptwriters thus.  So, we have stupidly large explosions, oh and airships designed by Leonardo Da Vinci because just because, and a hammy Orlando Bloom devouring square yards of carpet, as the villain.  What?  Oh come ON Hollywood! - a British actor playing the Big Bad?  Pshaw - show some originality.
     The Flopsters sum this up as a Bad Bad Film, as it had the potential to be entertaining in an over-the-top way and blew it instead.  So, between them and I, you don't need to see it, do you?

Explodey skyship ninjas!
(and shizzle)

     I notice that the budget was $75 million, and Worldwide it took $135 million, which you might think is a tidy profit.  However, Degsy - who knows his films - advises that with big-budget blockbusters like this, add the film budget again to the cost in terms of promotion and distribution.  Suddenly the profit margin shrinks alarmingly, and since there's not been a sequel - well, do the sums yourself!

"Carpet!  Find me some carpet!  I MUST HAVE CARPET!"

Too many words!  We need more pictures!

East Is East, West Is West, Cat Is Cat, Dog Is Dog
Four facts that are pretty much self-evident, unless scientists manage An Hideous Experiment and splice feline and canine genes together to create - I'm not sure what.  A cat that likes going for walks on a lead?  A dog you can leave home alone?
     Er - a bit of digression there.  What I meant to say is that there is a discernible difference in the behaviour of the above animals, and I have proof.  Art?

Edna, standing sentry

     This is Edna, whom you see assuming the position of guard atop her Sentry Post, or, as I like to call it, her Sentry Pot.  Since this is a still photo you can't see her tail wagging madly as she attempts to get attention from passers-by.  Not entirely sure that's how guarding is done, Edders.
     Whilst Edna is bobbing up and down with excitement at the prospect of meeting new people, how is Jenny taking things?

Easily, it seems

     Lying down, in the most literal sense.  Not interested in much except how she can gradually work her way closer to the bacon butty just out of shot beneath the cup of tea.  

"Oscillation Overthruster"
As mentioned above, and I just thought I'd squeeze it in here as it's yet another way to reference BUCKAROO BANZAI.  Art?

Not only BB but -

     Of course you realise "Yoyodyne" is a company invented by Thomas Pynchon, don't you?  I shall, however, resist inflicting more of Conrad's preferences upon you**.




*  Though the Bolsheviks would rather have drunk poison than say "Ta".
** This is unusually merciful so make the most of it.