Or obtuse, it depends on how much patience you can spare for your humble scribe. Yes, the title is a play on the famed Harlan Ellison story "All The Sounds Of Fear", except I refer later on to a noise coming out of my nose, thus combining "Fear" and "Sneeze".
Let's not dawdle, I've got chips a-coming and the weekly shop to do, plus "United States of Murder, Inc." and a volume of Hellboy to get through.
Okay. It should come as no surprise to you the reader that Conrad, in the work environment, scares people. For one thing, the window-shattering high decibel shrieking snort that passed for a sneeze today has been known to bring on labour in pregnant women and heart attacks in the nervous. There is also your modest artisan's sinister silent sneakery, wherein he materialises next to someone - a skill acquired via service of the extra special airy variety - and stands, un-noticed, for several heartbeats. Then they notice, and a terrified yelp is usually the end result. Honestly, if this suddenly appeared at your shoulder, how would you react?
 |
| - don't answer that question! |
And yet, and yet, not all the silence on the floor is inflicted by your talented typist. Yesterday, for example, Emily caused a cessation of sussuruss when checking the feed on her Devil's Digital Box (a.k.a. a mobile phone). There was a sudden stillness in the air as we all paused in disbelief when Emily informed us "Mary Berry's left Bake Off!!!*"
 |
| Part of Em and a whole lot of me |
Talking of which -
Bake Off!
"Ah, I see you're really on the ball tonight, Conrad, with it being broadcast only Wednesday evening. Well done that chap!"
Pausing only to worry that you seem to be copying my idiolect, I hasten to correct you - this is from last week. I know. I've been bad. I shall try to make amends at the weekend <weeps into sweater>
Last week - I wince as I type that - it was Batter week, where Mel and Sue exhausted every possible pun associated with the word.
Signature: the judges wanted 24 identical filled Yorkshire puddings, which is quite a request as the batter is a liquid and you thus need to measure it out by volume, and you can't dawdle or the end puddings will be made of tired batter. They are, confusingly if you don't hail from the Pond of Eden, savoury rather than sweet despite being called a pudding, and the idea is that you fill them with food. Andrew and Selasi did very well, though Val had to start again and worried, being from Yorkshire, if she could go back home.
 |
| NOT at all easy to render similar |
Benjamina did the best, with honourable mentions going to Candice, Tom and Jane.
 |
| Er - Dada pancake? |
You may have guessed that Benjamina got Star Baker; and who got to go home? Kate.
 |
| A Burro. Also brown on the outside, soft on the inside. |
Well Well Do Tell
I keep picking up on Facebook Suggested Posts. Take this one, for example:
Something about it seems strangely familiar. Any suggestions, Art?
Vague recollections of this being oddly familiar. Art?
I think I begin to see a pattern here. What's that, Art?
Completely different and not similar in any way whatsoever!
Okay, that was me being bitingly ironic. Totally similar. If only they were Yorkshire puddings!
I'm going to be a swine and use the photograph that Emily didn't like, because <snigger> I'm like that. Here we are:
* I know three exclamation marks is pushing the boundaries, but news like this deserves it.
No comments:
Post a Comment