Dough!

No, Not A Simpson's Reference
Especially as I loathe that little <insert very rude word here> Bart.  Him and his hideous gamboge complexion, and a face one would never tire of belabouring with a baseball bat.  When I am World Dictator the Simpson's will come to a very abrupt end, with a whole episode devoted to Bart being fed into a wood chipper with very dull blades -
     But I digress*.  No, I refer to biscuit dough.  I managed to miss very little of this week's Bake Off, which featured biscuits.  Biscuits are quick to make, with a couple of privisos - too thin and they'll burn; too thick and they'll be limp.  

Were they in the marquee?  I'm sure someone would have noticed

     Signature:  this was iced shortbread biscuits, and one klutz managed to drop hers all over the floor - probably the ham-fisted Louise.  Michael did very well, and Candice made a rod for her own back by making sandwiches, thus 48 biscuits not a mere 24.  
     Technical:  Viennese Whirls, so not just biscuits, these require buttercream and jam, too.  Against the clock.  With a skeleton menu.  These are some of the reasons your modest artisan is never going near this programme.

Also because of her.  Hovering, always hovering.

     Showstopper: this focussed on gingerbread, which your humble scribe has always seen as more cake than biscuit and rather poor as a construction material.  Yet the bakers had to build a structure a foot in height with at least 8 characters present.
     Oh dear.  There were, predictably, casualties.  Principally Val and Louise, whose structures ended up a rickle of broken biscuit buildings.  Goodbye Louise!  Don't worry, Val will be following you next week.
     Candice got the Star Baker award, with her Pub Of Ginger.  Make the most of it, young gel, you bite off more than you can chew.  Er - so to speak.

Conrad's Sinister Forward Planning
I'm adding this in so I can better lie about things on Facebook and Twitter.  If you're reading this then it ought to make sense.

And if you're not reading it, at least admire the pretty picture

More Cheek
I posted the Pome for Sylwia yesterday, and in an uncommon demonstration of mercy, decided against inflicting that for Charlotte on you on the same day.
     24 hours have now passed, however, so the statute of mercy has run it's course and here's the Pome for Charlotte.  Heh.  Once again I shall excise her surname, as I'm not having pervy old lechers pursuing her across teh interwebz.  That's my job.

Goodbye to dear Charlotte *****s

She of the most shapely carcass!

I shall NOT miss her when she’s gone

(damned efficient office champion)

She knocks it out of the park,

Her and her damned question mark.

We know that she is off to Chester,

To swim in tanks and fish to pester.

She’s dropping us for gills and fins

And scales and horrid piscine things.

Well, Charlotte, if you think it’s fine

To be knee-deep in water, scraping slime

From glass tank walls whilst dodging sharks

Instead of fielding daft telephone remarks

All I can say is we’ve trained you –

Us:  your inimitable collective human zoo.

     There you go.  We even have a photograph of the young lady.  Art?

Once again, to avoid confusion, Charlotte is on the left

     She is qualified in Zoology, which is probably right at the end of the University Graduate Index, unless they offer degrees in Zoroastrianism, and she knows her stuff.  Conrad asked what her position was on Cryptozoology - without giving his own skeptical stance first, of course - and was pleasantly susrprised to find her sniffily dismissive of claims about Goat-suckers, Bigfeet and Nine-Foot Penguins**.

More Of Cake
Today the assembled talents of our floor put out an array of cakes and savouries, in order to raise money for charity - the Red Cross, as chosen by my Enormous Anonymous Employer.  Here's a selection of the goods on sale:

     Er - that's not exactly clear, is it?  Apologies.  From left to right, we have Conrad's Coffee and Chocolate Loaf, Tom's Pinata cake - bulging with a secret stash of Smarties, Stacey's Chocolate Brownies, someone's Not Very Successful Marshmallow, Dom's Spicy Pork and Apple Sausage Roll and Dom's Onion Bhajis.

Ha!  Conrad Points And Laughs Churlishly*
Further to the charity bake above, which raised £82 - eating cake for charity, it's a dirty job but someone's got to do it - a bunch of Conrad's compatriots are going to be walking up Mount Snowden tomorrow, which he took great pains to avoid.
     "How churlish!" I hear you chatter.  "Oh.  You already used that word.  How - how - unpleasant."
     Yes, I am consistent, aren't I?  For one, you needed to pay for transport to the venue.  Secondly, it's at the weekend, not during work hours.  Thirdly, it sounds like hard work, always something of a Conrad-repeller.  Art?

Good luck, chaps!

     I shall sleep in tomorrow morning thinking of you***.


* I do this a lot, it's why people hate me.
** Nine feet tall, not that they have nine feet.
*** Perhaps.