Conrad's Night On The Tile

It Was Too Short And Modest For "Tiles" Plural
I know I haven't regaled you with a description of Friday's debauch, because it wasn't.  I had done the shopping on Thursday and so had the evening free, as a batch of birthday beers had been bailed out on.
     So!  Off to the cinema, there to watch "Avengers:Age of Ultron".

No!  Art De - oh whatever

     Of course, you don't get away that lightly.  There are the adverts and trailers to dissect first.
     Let the motley commence!

PART ONE - Adverts

Conrad cordially detests adverts.  In later life I shall probably be found in the secure nursing home's television room, shouting at them when they appear.   Anyway, since I have to choice but to endure them when they appear on the big screen, they can provide fruitful targets for a little critical application.

Virgin Broadband
This one features a chap called Usain Bolt, for no clear reason.  He's - aha, this might be the reason - he's very fast.
     But not as fast as raccoons.  Raccoons being bandits.  
     "Broad"-bandits.

Lightning Bolt.  Do you see what I - o you do.

     I dunno.  Is it just me?  Raccoons not native to the UK and all that.  Nor known for being dextrous with digital gadgetry either.

Nissan
I can't tell you anything at all about the car, but I liked the soundtrack.
     Adertising agency FAIL.

There you go.  Far more interesting than a car.

The Elder Scrolls
I can proudly boast of having read "Lord of the Rings" in 1972 and enjoying it, back when it was still rather a cult success.
     That was 1972.  Today it's 2015.  Now - look, JRR, look what you've done!  We get this kind of fifteenth-generation photocopy of LOTR, reduced to a hack-and-slash computer game.
     Bah!

It's an elderly scroll.  Close enough.

Cinime
This is a Dog Buns! annoying intrusion upon the screen where idiots in the audience are encouraged to use their mobile phones to answer questions posed on the screen.
     Excuse me?  The next item up will be a film about how mobile use in cinemas is actually bringing closer the Apocalypse with every photo/video/text.
     BE CONSISTENT!
     And go away Cinime, you are as welcome as a fungal foot infection.

A dirty foot.  Kind of.

I think there was another car advert in there, too, but I've no idea what it was and the soundtrack was rubbish, too.

PART TWO - Trailers

Another Fantastic Four Re-boot
How long ago was the last one?
     I can't be bothered to look on IMDB.
     Really.  If this fails we might get another reboot in 2016, and if that fails another 6 months later, and if that fails another one after twelve weeks, and if that fails another one after six weeks, and if that fails another one after three weeks, and if that fails another one after eleven days, and if that -
     You get the picture.



As fantastic as they can get.


Mission Impossible: Some Pretentious Title
Sorry, I didn't write down what it was.
     I think this is about the IMF taking on an anti-IMF.  That stunt of Tom hanging onto a cargo door on the outside of a jet looked pretty spiffy.  Not sure about the plot, though!

Close enough

Poltergeist
A remake.
     I have only one word to say as a review:
     WHY?

Here'a a high-speed money counting machine.
Which  I hope the studio responsible never have to use

Pixels
Hmmm.  An Adam Sandler film.  I've never seen anything of his.  This one appears to be a sci-fi action comedy, which is a pretty hard thing to pull off, and I reserve judgement on it.  If it turns out to be dire, then I was dead against it from the start.  If, on the other hand, it turns out to be an amazing success, then I realised that straight away.

Pixies.  Close enough

Jurassic Something
If you've seen the first you don't need to see this.  Dinosaur park, dinosaurs escape, dinosaurs eat people, dinosaurs killed, the end.
     Of course the dinosaurs, with brains the size of a peanut, out-smart the onscreen humans, with helicopters and anti-tank missiles and GPS and infra-red cameras.  Because otherwise the film would last 20 minutes.

Mr Dino didn't manage to outsmart this, though, did he?

PART THREE - The Main Event

Er - Sorry.  Not Enough Time
It's already 8 o'clock and we're at 700 words as well.  I still have to find pictures to illustrate so far.  O the frantic life of an online blogger!

I will say that AAOU does deliver a lot of bang for buck, but it is too long and could have stood tighter editing.  The opening battle against HYDRA takes ages and is only there to allow the Avengers to lay hands on Loki's sceptre.  It is impressive, yes, but Conrad the Editor would have cut it ruthlessly.

"Age" is an exaggeration.  He's only around for a few weeks, if that.  Shortest Age ever.