A Bit Of CALM

No, Not In The Sense of "Peace And Tranquility"
Nor yet the "Campaign Against Living Miserably".
     I suppose I might have used the title "A Bit Of MALC" or even "A Bit Of CLAM" -*
     Conrad refers to a smoothie, of course, as he was struck by one of those advertised in the coffee shop at work: "Refresh me", composed of Cucumber, Apple, Lime and Mint.  Hence "CALM".

Well, they do say that green is a soothing colour

     What is the ratio of ingredients?  250 mils of apple juice, half a cucumber, the juice of half a lime and some fresh mint.  Well, we happen to be cucumber-heavy at the Mansion, I just bought a carton of apple juice and there's dried mint.
     So later I shall be making a smoothie.

The Original Mad Scientist
After the disappointment of the extremely underwhelming Gamma Ray Laser, Conrad is wondering where all the promising mad scientists went**.
     I can tell you where they've been.  Archimedes, I am looking at you!
     Yes, Archie, that fellow who had an insight into liquid displacement whilst in the bath, the one who went belting out to inform everyone about "Eureka!" whilst soaking wet.  And naked.  Don't forget the naked, prime mad scientist behaviour.
     One of his famous sayings was "Give me a lever and a place to stand and I will move the Earth" -

Archie.  With a face full of fungus fur.  He looks a bit mad, doesn't he?

      - stop right there, Archie!  I want the world to stay in it's orbit, not go spiralling off into intergalactic space, to kill everything with cold, or alternatively to spiral in towards the sun and boil the crust off the planet.***
     Now, you have to admit, for a chap living well over two thousand years ago - that's pretty rock, and definitive Mad Scientist.

"Spooks": A Retraction
<hangs head> Apparently this isn't a ghastly rom-com about ghosts and humans getting it on, it's a "Spy" Movie.
     I have to use quotes there because apparently there are gun battles and motorbike chases and things exploding and exotic women not wearing a lot^.

Actually we had a relaxed dress code; these chaps probably meet face-to-face with customers

     Now, from my time in MI5 I can tell you that the life of a member in the security services makes for utterly dismal viewing.  Really.  It might be different for MI6, working abroad, but here at home in the UK it was deadly dull.  Want to know a typical day?  Let me consult my Journal:
     "Nov. 27th.  "Terrorist plot with explosives" case E357/HC22 turns out - as I predicted - to be a bunch of chavvy kids with bangers on Bonfire Night.  Department Head given gardening leave as a result; department as a result now operating far more efficiently.
     Still don't know who nicked my clotted cream from the office fridge.  I shall bring more in next week, except I'm going to add correction fluid and see who's sick.  I ask you - working in one of the world's most secure buildings and you cannot trust folk not to steal your lunch.  Tut!
     Trish from the Ulster section has thawed slightly.  My protest that "Big Bird" is an American spy-satellite and that she is a size 16 are purely coincidental appears to have worked.
     Day 231 has now elapsed since we reported that the air-con diffuses an hideous smell of roasting fish when used.  Apparently the air-con was made in China and we cannot allow their employees onto the premises due to "security profile issues"; all very well but IT ***** WELL STINKS IN HERE!
     Major news of the week: secure bicycle storage is being offered to all staff, not merely those on the Subsidised Transport option.  The Wheels of Industry!"

     There you have it.  No motorbikes in sight, no guns let alone gun battles, the only lady present is not a Slavic supermodel and - nothing exploding!

I was licensed to use an Osmium nib, you know.

"Forgotten Victory" By Professor Gary Sheffield
I remember seeing this volume on a bookstack in a booksellers in St Anne's Square who vanished years and years ago.  Dixons, perhaps?
     It was part of a dual-display, and the other volumes were by John Mosier, entitled and subtitled: "The Myth of the Great War: How the Germans Won Every Battle"
     Er, except that's not true.  If the Germans had won every battle the war would have been over in August 1914 as they marched down the Champs Elysee.  Or it would have ended in April 1915 after the Second Battle of Ypres.  Or in March 1916 and the battle of Verdun.  Or - but I shall refrain from going on.

No way am I picturing Mosier's screed

     So, I bought Mr Sheffield's book and that has generated an abiding interest in the First Unpleasantness - witness my buying the entire Official History of the First World War, and countless other unit histories, biographies and - look, essentially I keep Naval and Military Press in business, okay?
     One thing I do notice is how many of the other authors mentioned by Mr Sheffield I already know of or have books by.  Ah, historical literature of the First Unpleasantness, almost an incestuous field.

Aha.  There's been a car alarm going off for the past hour and I couldn't quite pinpoint why it made me feel - uneasy.
     I've worked it out!  The noise sounds like the mutant ant stridulations from "Them"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SnL2auGFwo
 - don't watch it if you're squeamish about insects.

Well all I have to do now is whistle up another 16 words and we'll be at the 1,000 word stage.  Never let it be said that Conrad ever lacks loquaciousness!

* Okay, that's enough silliness
** Probably at Jerry Pournelle's Death Industries, Inc.
*** One of the scariest "Twilight Zone" episodes ever dealt with both these issues: "The Midnight Sun"

Either a desperate gesture, or a superglue accident

^ Actually I have no idea if any of this is true, but - once again! - whose blog is it?