A Plurality Of Pix

All The Unposted Overflow 
Which rather means a lot of photographs with not very much text.  It this were the only post of today, or being posted at 23:55 you might well be justified in thinking "Conrad - he pad!"
     Well, no, not really.  All the trademark quality is here, just - er - just spread out over a lot of photographs - oh look! a flying saucer* -

First, The Glass
Wonder Wifey managed to destroy a pint glass in the kitchen last week, accidentally, which by coincidentally means more room for her teapots and plates.
     Also by coincidentally, Manisha - who is not going to get a co-creator credit here if Anna also cannot get one - mentioned that she was looking to get rid of a Budweiser glass that merely took up space at home.  So!

The glass, naked.  It does look better dressed.

And What's This?
Being rather cheeky, before Anna left on her trip to London Conrad asked her to bring back something both crunchy and delicious.
     Surprise!  She brought back shortbread ("crunchy") and toffee ("delicious"), which made Conrad feel rather guilty.
     Not for long, ha ha! as Conrad has little to no - oh what's this being passed over as a present?

     Damn it!  That's a fridge magnet - one of the most holy of bonds a person can give to another.  Conrad now has to offer up soul of first-born, every second harvest, 10% of all zombie novelty royalties, a pint of blood every month and a complementary Starbucks on a late rota.

O The Irony!
I did think this was worth a photograph.  The giant cup of tea and the work on "Thirst"

     I dunno.
     Maybe you had to be there?

Hard Strawberries
Given that a carton of stawberries costs £2.00 unless you get staff discount, one does not want to waste them.  Understand the horror at the - excuse me, THE HORROR! - at the Mansion last week when the strawberries purchased appeared to be a species of scarlet stone.  Conrad, both stingy and inventive, decided a small photo-essay was in order:

The offending article

    The unreconstituted strawberry, you might say.

IMPALED!

    This is not mere sadism, this is Conrad - okay, a little casual sadism - trying to demonstrate to the audience that - alright, downright sadistic - that the strawberry is resistant to the corn-cob spike in a - alright!  Enough already!  I'm a sadistic perv! - manner intended to demonstrate it's unripeness.

<Rubs hands and cackles madly>

     This is where the strawberry gets an 800W blasting and begs for mercy.
      In fact the interior was softened, if a bit hot, but to get the whole fruit lasered into softness would turn it into mush.

The strawberry, weeping a little.

     Still -

For later!

The Cat Sat On The Whatever-It-Wasn't-Supposed-To
I ask you.  With the whole table to lie upon, not to mention three chairs and a set of shelves, where does the Cyborg Sentry Cat lie down?
     No! Not on the Cyborg Sentry Cat Mobile Charging Unit**

     On MY BOOK!

Father-Daughter Boneding Time
Darling Daughter is home for the Saturday and decided that the first thing she had to do on entering the Mansion was to saw up a bone.

Like you do.

     I mean literally the first thing, never mind getting a brew or petting the cat or eating up the Oreo surplus - straight down to bone-sawing.
     And the results?   - viz:

The knuckle portions

     And a bone that got boiled for hours until it looked thus:

     It also stank to high heaven, so count yourself lucky this blog has no olofactory app.

* I pinched this from Doctor Who.
** Also known as a "plug"

It Is No Coincidence -

That The Victorian Era Took Off After The Tea Cosy Was Invented
Let me explain to our American visitors - for we have had one or two - that their wretched spell-checker is confusing the issue - across the Atlantic it may well be known as a "tea cozy" but BOOJUM! is written in English English, thank you very much.
     Where was I?

Nope.  Not drinking anything that comes out of that.

     Ah yes.  Imagine the scene in China, 4,500 years ago shortly after tea had been discovered.  There's the local bigwigs all having a chat around the table, fuelled by a giant pot of tea.
     "O Dear!" exclaims Chairman Li Biang.  "The tea's gone cold!"
     End of meeting.
     This tragic tale is mirrored across the following 4,400 years as civilisations rise and fall, either because they imbibed coffee (e.g. the Mayans) or because their tea got cold and the meetings ended early (e.g. the Moghuls).
     Trust Perfidious Albion to come up with the answer: the tea cosy.
     No longer do tea-fuelled meetings end after five minutes; no, they last long enough that the British can plot (mostly successfully) TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

"HOW"
This recollection was inspired by Conrad's soulful wail last night of "How? How Is It 20:40?"
We will not go into his, frankly, boring explanation of how it was 20:40; instead we will recollect the television program "How".
     The format was amazingly simple: a presenter, later joined by others, would look at the camera, raise a palm and intone "How", this being well-known as fluent Native American for - something.  And also an introduction to "How do you work out the sum of the square of the side of a triangle if the ditch is five by two and the rate of flow is sixty gallons a minute".
    Here's Fred Dinenage, who invented the program:

How! does he do it?

     It must have been successful - it ran for 15 years.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zS1-aoUNBbE

     There's a link to Jack Hargreaves putting a ship in a bottle.*

"Office Temp"
This is in my notebook but it's not about the temporary staff here in the office, fresh from the recruitment agency.
     No, it's about the incredible temperature incline across our desks.  Conrad sits a metre-and-a-half from Manisha, and a metre from Anna.  There's Manisha, with her scarf and cardigan on, sitting with a hot-water bottle.  There's Anna, complaining that she's lost all feeling in her hands and feet because it's so cold.
     Then there's Conrad, sitting in the stifling sub-tropical heat, necking his third pint of iced water, in a short-sleeved shirt, panting.
     Some days it's hard to be an alien wearing a human suit as camouflage.

I Googled "Hot alien" and you wouldn't believe what came up.
This is about the only picture I can post.
Does she look uncomfortably warm?

Gerry Anderson Ergonomics: Zero-X
You may not be overly familiar with the Zero-X spaceship, as it was not featured often on "Thunderbirds", but it had a fantastic strip in "Century 21" comic; firstly drawn by the splendidly accurate draughtsman Mike Noble in a exciting style, then in the much "muddier" style of James Watson, which could be terrifying to a 5 year old.

Fully assembled, Zero X takes the 2 mile-long runway at Glenn Field

Zero X, Mike Noble style

Zero X James Watson version

Conrad has no criticism of Zero X at all, as whoever created it sat down and worked out what it needed to do and how it ought to be designed.  Firstly, they use a HTOL** design, rather than the VTOHL designs we are familiar with.
     The "Wings" are actually Lifting Bodies that disengage once the craft reaches altitude, and are then guided down by radio control to land independently***.  The aerodynamic nosecone is jettisoned once orbit is reached - see the lower cartoon for the look with no nosecone.
     Once in orbit around the target planet (Mars in the first instance) the cockpit section disengages to descend and land, whereupon it deploys tracks and becomes a self-propelled vehicle.  

Zero X junior

The whole process is reversed to achieve orbit and dock with the main hull.
     Things are rather thrown out by both the Mysterons and the sinister Martian Rock Snake - which is another story.
     Emergency provision is also made for - in case of potential disaster the crew are automatically removed, still in their seats, into an emergency descent capsule that blasts free of the craft to achieve a soft landing.

Martian Rock Snake.  CAUTION!  Not a good household pet

More Rejected Doctor Who Serial Titles
And the jokes just keep on coming.  They might not show up here on BOOJUM! however, unless you regard the following as hilarious.  I do.  And it's my blog.

"Clink"

"It's, Like, Kinda ..."

"The Thorns of Nimon"

"Horror of Fang Frock"

"The Sea Imps"

"The Happiness Petrol"

"The Mythbakers"

"Invasion of the Cyber-Hen"

  - what's that?  Trouble with hens?  Only one thing can save us now!

CLARISSA THE CANNIBAL COMBAT CHICKEN!

* Conrad could do this.  All it takes is a humungous bottle, right?
** Horizontal Take Off and Landing
*** Re-usable, see?  Did the Space Shuttle designers watch these programs?

How? How Is It Suddenly 20:40?

Time, That Ever-Flowing River -
Appears to be in spate right now.  I got home at 18:15 - another cock-up by First Bus, they were once again on time, uncrowded and by now the drivers responsible are being subjected to evil tortures, or replaced by robot duplicates*, or sent to the First Bus Brainwashing Facility in Chorlton.
     Where was I?
     Oh, yes, time.

No! Art Department - no, hang on, I think you've got something there -

     Then it was compile a shopping list, dine on a small plate of sausage stew, drive off to Asda, shop -
 - I think we can dispense with a blow-by-blow of Conrad slowly pushing a trolley around, although any insomnia sufferers can let me know in the Comments and I'll do a special post just for them.
     By the time everything is put away it's 20:20, which is what Conrad would like his vision to be, instead of 5:8.7
     Gone off on a tangent again, haven't I?  O well, on with the motley!

NO!  O I give up.

Apophis
Why did this pop into my head at the bus stop?
     No idea.  Sorry, can't explain Conrad's thought processes, except to say that some are rather odd.
     "Apophis" muttered Conrad to himself, causing the old lady also waiting to edge away to a safer distance.  'Is it an asteroid or dwarf planet?"
     Close enough - it's termed a "Near Earth Object" or "NEO".  In this case there was a worry that it would impact Earth in 2029, given a chance of 2.7%, or say one in forty.
     Cue screaming tabloid headlines:

Translation: "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

     So, why is there no asteroid-busting space probe tootling along with a gigatonne nuclear warhead as a payload, all set to give Apophis a Bad Hair Day?
     Because what happened is what usually happens with potential impactors; more observations over time allow the object's trajectory to be predicted with greatly increased accuracy, meaning we know Apophis will miss Earth by a country mile.
     This is excellent news for me.  I don't want my invasion fleet to take over a shattered wasteland!

Gas: Putting The "Ghastly" Into Warfare
I note that there is an article about the commencement of gas warfare in World War One on the Beeb website:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-31042472

     And of course it features the iconic painting by Sargent of gas victims.  What very few people realise is that these men will recover, as the unstoppable weeping faded over time; J. Campbell, author of "In The Cannon's Mouth", gives a heartfelt account of getting blinded by an unlocated puddle of mustard gas and his eyes consequently running like taps. Inhaling the gas was a lot more dodgy and could leave survivors with breathing problems.  Nasty stuff!  Invented by, one has to point the finger, the Germans.

Helmut Grockenberger, Icon of Evil!

     There was a reason for this - the German chemical industry was the best and largest in the world in 1914 and, in a total war, it was exploited.
     When The Bally Hun came up with a new war gas, the British and French would throw up their hands in horror, loudly blame the Boche for this new frightfulness (looking over their shoulders to make sure America got the message) and then copy it, dishing it back ten times over.
     Was it effective?  Not really, on the Western Front.  Protective gear matched the development of gasses, meaning that all it really did was slow things down tremendously.

In some mysterious way this has to do with gas as well.
Answers on a postcard or in the comments ..

What's The Latin For "Fox"?
Now, this wasn't merely a random thought popping into my head.  Well, not quite.  Anna proudly displayed her bag bought in London, with a fox embroidered onto it.
     'What's the Latin for "Fox"?' I instantly asked, as we all do**.
     Manisha then conjured up dark magic with her Devil's matchbox***
     'Is it "Vulpecula"?' I guessed^.
     Close enough - "Vulpes", which is when Conrad remembered his old insult of "Vulpecine Termagant".

Anna.  Foxy lady.

Confusing English: Customer Vs Costumer
You see what transposing a couple of vowels does?  Completely changes the meaning of the word. From someone taking advantage of a service to an artisan providing bespoke clothing for stage, screen and television.
     Although - a Costumer would have Customers, and if they - the Costumer - were part of a contracting party to a film studio, then they might be a Customer Costumer, so they in turn would have Customer Costumer Customers, and if these people (presumably actors) defined themselves in a particular way to their fanbase then the original party would be Customer Costumer Customers Customer's.
     Is that clear?

Conrad defines "clear"

Rejected Doctor Who Serial Titles
I dunno.  I try pushing the boundaries and - nobody even blinks.  Or Blanks, in this case. Or - but let us proceed with the usual nonsense!  And no proper titles, either, as that saves time.

"Slink"

"Hovel of the Daleks"

"Shovel of the Daleks"

"Shovelling the Daleks"

"The Swear of Peladon"

"The Curs of Fenric"

"The Seeds of Parsley"

"The Basque of Mandragora"

"The Quite Large Bang"

"Voyage of the Dimmed"

"Terror of the Verve"^^

Oh how they make me laugh!

Cake
Emotional support mechanism, please tug the forelock for cake. Why is it so wonderful?
Well, cake will not desert, deceive or dismiss you.  You can eat it in public with no sense of shame.  It is always ready to be your friend, always loyal, always delicious.  It can even, on occasion, supply two or perhaps - this is pushing the limits, rather - three of your Five a Day.

     Although it can put several inches on your hips.



Speaking Of The Verve -
Time to return to our in-depth analysis of the lyrics to "Bittersweet Symphony".  Take it away Richard Ashcroft!

                                        Well I never pray

That's okay, Richard, we are a tolerant society and neo-pagan animists like you are still valued members of society.

                              But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
        Oh dear!  Do you have mobility issues?  You can order crutches from the NHS, you know
         I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah

Richard, what you need is Ibuprofen and a referral to a doctor!

          I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now

Er - Richard - have you been taking - 

          But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

I'm glad to see you haven't been smoking dubious substances.  However - it's YOUR job to sing!

And at an hour in creation that's it for tonight, pilgrims!

Tomorrow:  Stairs - are they really your best defence against Daleks?



* Actually that would explain SO MUCH about First Bus!
** Don't we?
*** "A Mobile Phone" - translation by Mister Hand
^ Apophis, Vulpes - get me and my Mad Latin Skillz
^^ How bittersweet