Please note that it is "Thunderbird" singular, not "Thunderbirds", although I did once get a book on Native American totem-poles out of the library because it was titled "Thunderbirds", although in my defence I was only 19.
 |
| Thus |
No, this particular Thunderbird is one of the Big Five over at "Bum Wines" and here I have to pause, because I've forgotten to put the laundry on -
- there we are, domestic duties discharged.
Where was I?
Oh yes, the website "Bum Wines". In this case, "Bum" is South Canadian parlance for "a worthless alcoholic hobo" rather than the British slang for "Bottom", which really would put these drinks at the lowest rung of the alcohol ladder, in fact more likely into the basement.
Anyway, "Thunderbird" here refers to a wine, a term laid rather loosely upon it, as it is indeed a liquid in a bottle, but then so too is paint stripper. Of the Big Five of Bum Wine it is, apparently, by far the worst tasting. The taste is redolent of nail polish, plastic shavings, red diesel and methylated spirits. What makes it appeal to the undiscerning drinker is that it is 1) Strong (17.5%) and 2) Cheap. I seem to recall it being mentioned in South Canadian film and television as a metaphor for characters who were Worthless Alcoholic Hoboes. Art?
| Apparently it also turns your tongue black |
The thing is, Conrad being notoriously perverse, is now tempted to try these foul bottled poisons out of curiosity if nothing else. Not during July - Dry For July! - but just you wait until August, Vulnavia, oh yes indeed. Then we shall neck a few of the Cordials Of The Condemned.
Whilst On The Subject
- of consumables, Conrad would like to share his lunchbox with you. Art?
 |
| Et voila |
"A delicious cold collation, Conrad," I hear you approve. "So what?"
The fish is there to keep my old joints supple, ta very much. Also the cheese is also about 10 days past it's sell-by-date and I thought I'd better eat it before it sprouts white mould. You can still eat it when that happens, just cut off the mouldy bits, except others in the household (looking at you, Wonder Wifey) tend to just bin it.
"So what?" I hear repeated.
Well, since my day off sick my stomach has rather rebelled at the very sight of a sandwich. Note the lack of bread in the above. This is akin to one of those bums above rejecting a 50 ounce jug of Thunderbird and instead asking for a nice Veuve Clicquot.
There's More
Conrad is one of those people who like Marmite, which he takes by way of a hot drink in the morning. A super source of Vitamin B12, it divides people quite as much as Brexit did, as there are only 2 camps of opinion when Marmite is concerned - Love It or Hate It. Art?
These might be called super-savoury nuts. Not possible to sit down and eat a whole packet in one go - trust me if this were possible your humble scribe would have done it already.
Polyquaternium-7
O Noes! This sounds like the super-deadly explosive compound from the dramamentary "Doctor Who", capable of destroying Tower Hamlets in it's entirety -
| (Some would say good riddance!) |
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| Don't smirk, Jim, it's hardly difficult to bluff a 2-year old |
 |
| Gosh, did it? |
In reality, Polyquaternium-7 is a pale liquid used in shampoos and soaps, where it has anti-static properties.
Damn boring reality!
Here's An Interesting Question
The picture below postulates how long you humans might survive on planets in the Solar System.
Conrad wouldn't last any longer than any of you on Mercury or Venus, but on nice cool Neptune, probably circa the 80 years given for Earth; my homeworld being an icy wasteland composed of frozen ammonia and picturesque pools of liquid hydrogen.
I'm not telling you where it is, you lot are far too ingenious and nosey for your own good and mine.
* Conrad, Oscar, Steve, Art and Mister Hand
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