Dry July!

Not To Blow My Own Brass Section -
 - yesterday saw your humble scribe 1/3 of the way through the 30 days of July for which he intends to remain sober.  The "honest and decent" part of his personality you can take for granted.  Either that, or they'll be along in a little while.  Note that the Dry ends at 6 p.m. Saturday 30th, not quite the whole month - allow me some leeway.
     "Yes yes yes, Conrad, you surely and definitely hold the higher moral ground here.  And?" I hear you question.
     Well, remember that description of A Clown as "Crying on the inside"?
    That's the opposite of your modest artisan today; Dry on the inside and sodden on the outside.

The evidence

     Dry July?  O the howling irony!  If I were the possessor of a canoe I could have paddled to work this morning.  I got drenched walking there on Saturday and methinks Monday looks to be a similar experience*.
     Bah!

BOOJUM! - The Hard-hitting Film Critic
Hits hard and then runs away before the hapless cinematic victims can riposte, reply or relapse, as that's how we do things round here**.  Bring it on!
     "Grimsby": Don't tell me, a cinema verite tour de force about trawlermen and their private lives versus risking their hides in the North Sea, to ensure you get your fish fingers.  "A Perfect Storm" with a Northern accent and a faintly fishy scent, no doubt.

Grim.

     "Zoolander 2":  Haven't seen Zoolander so - people must be mad keen on fluffy animals, mustn't they?  Behold the warthog!  The spitting cockroach!  The blobfish! And, ultimately, the weasel shark (whose bite is worse than it's bark).

 - and of course the Naked Mole Rat!

     "Ice Age:  Collision Course":  Conrad hasn't seen any of these execrable "Ice Age"  films, and indeed fears that, were he to encounter one on television, he would put his size 11 hobnail boot through the monitor in a fit of temper.
     However, recall what I said about cute fluffy animals?  Just take a look at the box office for these digitised dross-buckets:

Budget                                             Box Office

#1 (2002)                  $59 million                                       $380 million
#2 (2006)                  $80 million                                       $660 million
#3 (2009)                  $90 million                                       $886 million
#4 (2012)                  $95 million                                       $875 million

     There aren't any numbers for #5 - Collision Course - as it's only just been released, and bear in mind the above are only box office figures, leaving aside rentals, sales and television rights.  The total is $2.8 BILLION!  So I think we are doomed to see these Dog Buns! things appearing until the next Ice Age is upon us.
    
 Look At What I Found
Scoping around for any spare English Breakfast Tea that might be lurking in stray corners of the corner cupboard, Conrad uncovered a tin.  Art?

Behold!

     What kind of tea is it?  Dunno - I've neglected to add the label, which I normally cut off and trim to avoid dark mysteries like this.  It's probably an Assam blend; anyway, it's tea and I drank it, so yah boo sucks.
     That photo does remind me of something ...

Getting there -

     On the way but not quite it -

Aha!  That was it.

1812 By Paul Britten Austin
As mentioned, about a third of this work had been incorrectly bound.  Since it was a paperback, tearing out the reversed pages was a matter of seconds, and I am now reading it manga-fashion, from right to left instead of the conventional left to right, which is a bit odd.  Also, there are typos.  I suspect the editor simply looked at a work that is three inches thick, said "Yeah it's good to go" and left it at that.
      Bad editor!  Naughty editor!  No biscuit for you!

General Winter.  Russia's secret weapon

It Made Me Laugh
You need not ponder with muted horror on what has stricken Conrad's funny-bone today.  Not really suitable for children, and perhaps not for the more sentimental adult with a rosy view of their televisual childhood.  Art?

LOL, is it not?

     Conrad positively guffawed when he saw it.  Anyone in doubt as to what to get for his birthday or Christmas, look no further.  It's a strange thing - since we are skirting the scummy shallows of politics I shall paddle lightly - but the one thing guaranteed to press Conrad's Hate button are fascists, for no good reason.  There are objectionable left-wing extremists and religious zealots of various stripes that leave your modest artisan cold, but dangle a black-shirted neo-Nazi before him and his eyes glow dangerously***.

Well, we appear to be at count already, and there was loads more about films, and Star Trek - you may have heard of this television show already - but they will have to wait for a later date.

Chin chin!


*  This was written on the bus and yes, it was.
** Sneakily!
*** That's the 10 terawatt laser cannon sitting in them.