How To Scare Cats - The Mark Kermode Way!

Conrad Would Like To Point Out - 
- that no cats or Observer film critics were harmed in the creation of this blog.  Although I didn't seek Mark Kermode's permission to use either his likeness or cat-training regimen, either, so let's just hope he either i)  never reads BOOJUM!* or ii) has a terrific sense of humour.  Hopefully both.
     "What on earth is he going on about now?" I hear you query.  "Really, two hours out of his self-imposed sobriety and he's completely off-the-map."
     Ah, yes, Dry July**.  Excuse me for making a lot of this.  Art?

Ahhhhhh.

     My first beer in thirty thirsty days.  Somehow, Conrad is unsure exactly how this has happened but you probably have those rascals Oscar (his subconscious) and Steve (his memory) to blame, they're usually the ones found holding a box of matches and an empty petrol tin next to the burning orphanage; somehow every third month of the year is now Sober.  Anyway, back to cats.
     Yes, cats!  I am teaching you How To Speak Cat, but we all know what felines are like:  self-willed, capricious and malicious in equal amounts.  Every time I sit down at the kitchen table to enjoy breakfast, who uncurls out of her Cat Igloo but Jenny, eager to spread the responsibility of eating things.  Art?

"How close can I sneak?"

     For your information, that's week-past-it's-sell-by-date yoghurt, mixed with Maple Flavour Syrup, and it was delicious.  Jenny would probably have been repelled by the sweetness of same, yet not before having a good go at it.  Normally a good swat on the nose would - ah, but what's this?
     "Non-Intrusive Cat Deterrence Measures" posted on Youtube by - none other than fellow-Comsat Angels fan Mark Kermode.  Wow.  What a coincidence.  Mark?

"Clap your hands together LOUDLY in close proximity to the cat's ears"

     I can't believe it's that simple and humane.  No barbed wire or napalm involved?

"Nope.  Just hands clapping.  Simple, safe, sure."

     Well, I don't know, Mark.  Sure, you are a - hang on, that background - it looks a trifle familiar.  Art, can you do a bit of research and** -

Suspiciously similar!

     Sorry for the tangent.  Back to cats.
     Where was I?  Oh yes, adrift just off Corto Maltese - whoops, no, sorry, wrong comic.  Mark Kermode, film critic.  Conrad not so sure about his cat repelling methods but what the heck, let's give it a go.  
     "Jenny!"  <Loud clapping noise ensues>
     

!

     Well I never.  Or so I will maintain in court.  Mark, take a bow!

     No, Mark, don't applaud yourself, man, it's not British.  And does Stanley Kubrick know you've nicked one of his sets***?

Because - Science!
I've mentioned Kyle Hill on occasion in the past, and he really had some intelligent input as to why there might be Fast Zombies and Slow Zombies - note the "and" there as his explanation means neither is exclusive.  Today I have to call his video into question, though, as it addresses the question of how quickly zombies would take over the world.  Art?

Ferociously scientific

     Where "S" = "Susceptible", "Z" = "Zombie" and "R" = "Removed".  It's not so simple an equation, and Kyle has adopted what we might call the "Classical Model" where there is no human intervention to minimise S, limit Z and increase R.  The equation above delivers a Basic Reproduction Number that allows epidemiologists to calculate R0, and if this is less than 1.0, the disease will burn out.  This make sense, when you think about it - if a disease is incredibly lethal and deadly and scumbunctious, then everybody infected with it dies on the spot and it doesn't spread.
     On the other hand, if the R0 is greater than 1.0, better find a bunker off in the hills and hideaway ...
     Herein the link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDL_8MLqIlw

     Of course, I may be overthinking this ...

Not To Turn Into A Mark Kermode Obsessive Or Anything -
This below is the title artwork on his Twitter page.  Art?

Guess the film?

     This is artwork from "Silent Running", a hard sci-fi film with a soft, green, ecological message.  Conrad first saw it back as part of a BBC 2 science fiction season back in the mid-Seventies (where he also saw "Forbidden Planet" and "Dark Star" for the first time) and it's well worth seeing.  Spaceship detailing provided, apparently, by the purchase of hundreds of Panzer tank model kits.

Jan Hus:  Panzers 600 years ahead of time.

*  But Mark, you're missing so much!
**  I ain't going to apologise for banging on about this, nor for changing subject.  It's why people fear yet respect me.
***  "But Stanley is dead!" you say.  Yeah.  That's what they want you to think ...