I Thank You (I Think)

O The Fearful Responsibility!
The pressure, the stress, the - excuse me, just going to make a pot of Darjeeling - awesome burden of having to create new and interesting stuff for BOOJUM! every day and twice on Saturday and Sunday -
     Actually that's all lies, the scrivel flows freely from your humble scribe's pen (or keyboard).  Sounded very dramatic, though, didn't it?
     Nevertheless, your modest artisan appreciates any help he can get, which is why there is paper and pen on the bedside cabinet, just in case he gets nocturnal inspiration.  Which did happen on Sunday morning:  Rotte Opft.
     That what the scribble says.  Thank you, Subconscious.  
     What does it mean?  Well, surprisingly it's not gibberish*.  "Rotte" was an aircraft  formation of the Luftwaffe in the Second Unpleasantness.  OPFT, to capitalise on it**, could mean "Oak Park Festival Theatre" which is a bit lacking, or, going with the Teutonic feel, "Oppenheim Primerica Fonds Trust".

Lookit all the luvvies.

     Ta Very Much Oscar.  I think (still not sure).

Okay, now the Intro is out of the way, we can cast a fond eye over the memorial to the motley, and the grave of the gallimaufry, and push the pantechnicon of persiflage out of it's metaphorical stables, gingerly and with a foot poised above the brakes.

A pantechnicon, at about our level of technology

     At the weekend your talented typist went into Gomorrah Manchester, where he was entertained by an avant garde film monochrome film made by a man in a pram with a hand-cranked Zeiss camera - no, sorry, I meant by watching "Star Trek: Beyond", which was a blast.  With plenty of blasting, too.  We'll get to that later, because first Conrad wants to tell you all about -

Coffee Crank Tank
Check out the new percolator, with the old one alongside for comparison and scale.  Art?

     There you go, literally a quantum level beyond the older, dingier one.  
     Memo to self:  do not brew up this beast, consume the contents by 9 p.m. and expect to get to sleep before 2 a.m.

 - all the film trailers, because if I had to sit through them, then you can suffer sympathetically, too***.

"The Magnificent Seven":  Ah yes, another iteration of "The Seven Samurai", eh?  And as the suits so decree it has to be PC and have <ahem> cross-demographic appeal, so the head honcho is black and we have a hispanic and native American, that's all the boxes ticked.  No Japanese?  Dammit, the original was WHOLLY Japanese!  I suppose we should be grateful that it's not been made with girls instead, like The Film That Shall Not Be Named^.  Still, Denzil Washington is always worth watching; though I did dismiss the trailer as "Western with rock soundtrack".  You just wait and see if I'm not wrong.

NOOOOOOOO!

"Miss Peregrine's Something for Peculiar Something Something": Sorry, Tim, Harry Potter did it a lot earlier and better.  You come late to the table with a packet of stale crackers.  Mouldy stale crackers.  Plus, one of the hideously objectionable suits came out with the ghastly phrase " - a synopsis of the project -" which instantly and automatically caused Conrad to hate the whole thing.  Hate Hate Hate!  Also - set in Blackpool?

Close enough

"Deepwater Horizon": an utter disaster now filtered - Oops! sorry, "inspired" by heroes, or real events, take your pick.  Conrad will give it a qualified pass if there are things exploding, although given all the mud flowing in vast amounts this seems unlikely.

Deepwater is depressing.  Here's a fritillary butterfly instead

"David Brent": What?  Who?  Am I supposed to know who he is? Or care?  Answer is "NO" loudly to both.  Next!
"Jason Bourne":  Hmmm.  He seems to have been invented rather than born.  Another one of those "Best Killing Machines We Ever Had Who Was Betrayed/Double-crossed/Let Go Years Ago Yet Who Still Stays In Trim And Whom We Desperately Need Back" genre fillums.  Also it is a rule in films like this that at least one person has to say the title character's name like a swear "Jason BOURNE!", and another has to add an ability or talent that showcases his utter awesomeness.  For example, "Jason Bourne?  That guy can fart "The Star-Spangled Banner" in  Morse code, that's how good he is."  Or, "Jason Bourne?  He can break bottlecaps with his bare butt-cheeks," either or both a handy trick at parties.

This, ladies and gentlemen (and those unsure) is a Farting Orchestra.
Yes, really

*  Yes, yes, compared to the rest of this lot.
** Do you see what - O you do.
*** That sound is me rubbing my hands with glee.
^  Ghostbusters