My Life As A Dot

No!  I Have Not Mis-Spelled "Dog"
Although perhaps I should have added a few periods.
     I refer, obviously, to the acronym "Drinks Only Tea", hence D.o.t.
     "What is the aged duffer referring to now?" I can hear you asking.  "We know he subsists largely on pickled eggs and beer."
     Yes, your humble scribe if very fond of his beer.  Not spirits, and my palate is so appallingly bad that wine of any description is wasted on me; you could substitute paint-stripper coloured with red ink and I'd not be able to tell it from the finest Veuve Cliquot.

Liquid plastic or red wine?
Only you can tell!

     However, as with many amongst you, Conrad intends to give up alcohol in the New Year, in fact from midnight tonight.  Up until 6 p.m. on Saturday 30th January, just to see if I can do it.  It ought to work, I knocked off booze for October and the month went swimmingly.  
     Yes, I have played hard and fast with accuracy here: I shall also be drinking lemonade by the horse-trough, and water by the pond, but you can't make an hilarious pun out of either fact.
     So.  There it is.  I have put it down in black and white and published to an international audience of dozens a dozen one or two an international audience.
     Bottoms up!

Rob's Remainders Reminder
As you surely know by now, Conrad is both greedy and miserly, and those are two of his best qualities.  So he takes a particular cackling delight in purchasing remaindered food, the greater the discount the greater his cackling, regardless of how old or unfit the food is.  My attitude to food safety is - Can you eat it?  Then do so.

I have et the top two.  The rest remains

     Of course for you humans this is very unwise and I strongly recommend that you ignore Conrad's behaviour as regards Best By Date, certainly if you wish to remain alive and healthy.  Or, get your stomach replaced by a fusion-powered Inert Lead Isomer matter-converter.

Still More Of Birds
Horrid weather this morning dark, damp and windy too.  We tend to catch the wind at our end of the runway since there's no shelter on it as the zephyrs rush in from Siberia, Finland and the Arctic.  It's diminished the frenetic birdsong of earlier in the week, yet not stilled it completely.  Infuriating little rascals.   Chirp chirp chirp.  What they heck have they to be so happy about?

BLACKBIRD:  Good MORNING!
THRUSH:  GOOD Morning!
BB: Stiff breeze this morning, what?
T: Yes indeed.  Ruffles the feathers a tad.
BB:  Speaking of which -
T: Yes, Fatty really does need a haircut.
BB: Quite amusing, seeing it dance on his head.
T: More rhythm that the rest of him!
BB: He ought to get it cut.
T: Lord yes.  Wonder why he doesn't?
BB: Probably thinks it looks dashing, windswept and romantic
T: Ha!  It looks as if styled by electrocution!
BB: It's - wait for it, wait for it - shocking.
T: I say - very witty!
STARLING: Shocking?  You want shocking!  I was at his upstairs window -

     - and then the bus came.

How Conrad fondly imagines the blackbird to look in the near future

Conrad's Musical
"Of course you are!" I can hear you saying, as you edge towards the emergency exit.
     GET BACK HERE!  I meant that I have constructed a set of songs for a musical, not that I have or possess any musical ability.  Conrad would probably break the triangle if he tried playing it.  Clumsy, you see, and big*.

Conrad:  big and clumsy.
With bags of flour for scale

     This idea came to me in a fit of pique as a bus poster bearing "The Sound of Music" went swanning by this morning.  Really!  Can't a man get a bit of Dog Buns! peace around here?  No sooner does that warbling tart Mary Poopins vanish from the landscape than a tribe of yodelling brats replaces her.
      Anyway, here is the soundtrack of Conrad's musical:

     1)  "One of These Days" - Pink Floyd

     2)  "Zed and Two Naughts" - The Mars Volta

     3)  "Wonders of the Deep" - The Chemical Brothers

     4)  "Asleep at the Wheel" - Working For A Nuclear Free City

     5)  "The Private Cybernetic Reel" - The Chemical Brothers

     6)  "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" - Pink Floyd

     7)  "We Were" - The Comsat Angels

     8)  "Rags to Rags" - Eels

     9)  "O.D'd On Life Itself" - Blue Oyster Cult

     10)  "Dust of Time" - Hawkwind

     11)  "A Celebration" - U2

     13)  "Soft Space" - Soft Machine

     I have no idea what storyline could possibly link all these tracks.  Let me get back to you on that.

Conrad's Screenplay

EXTERIOR MID DAY: A huge zombie horde staggers towards the camera, being fired upon by a squadron of Challenger tanks using canister rounds.  Suddenly, an atom bomb blows up all the zeds.  We pull back to reveal the scene is being shot inside a dome on the Moon.

     We could easily pad this out to 90 minutes by making it a musical and using the tracks above.  What do you think?
     I realise in that one paragraph I've broken all the rules of the Charm Offensive, but dammit! a man's got to follow his dreams!

Dreams, nightmares, easily confused

*  Conrad, not the triangle.  Obviously!