It's Latin, of course, and means "First among equals", which, if you're all equal, is a bit difficult. Nothing at all to do with camping stoves.
You can tell where I'm going with this, can't you?
Yes, it's that giveaway word "First" because we begin today's excursion into Conrad's psyche with another rant about First Bus.
First's website helpfully informs readers, passengers and those interested in major works of fiction that bus timetables and schedules have been altered between Christmas Eve and New Year, and that the short notice involved means they haven't bothered to print any amended timetables.
Thank you, First. Thank you for your sterling efforts to inform, educate and -
- no, actually I mean may you suffer from a plague of suppurating boils inflicted upon the tenderest parts of your anatomy that torment you into the next decade.
Conrad is reduced to guessing what time the buses may - or may not, this is First we're talking about - turn up. Sunday schedule? Saturday schedule? Pomegranateday schedule*?
Grrrr! Bah! I'd hate to see the equals that are on a par with First.
| First Bus' role models |
Of Course Some Clouds Have A Silver Lining
Although Conrad did have to hang around the bus stop for nearly half an hour, this did give him time to think, which is always a dangerous situation. For instance, a cloud lined with silver would have considerable mass in it's own right and might well pose a danger to health and safety were it to fall upon a populated area. Also, you'd get the danger of cloud-lining hunters hanging about on the off chance of collecting a bounty of manna from heaven.
None of which has anything to do with birds.
This morning they were at it again, the cheery little swine. Chirp chirp chirp from all points of the compass. What the heck have they to be so amused about?
BLACKBIRD: GOOD morning!
THRUSH: Good MORNING!
BB: I see our morning's entertainment is back.
T: Yes, indeed, Fatty is back. Old and white of hair, made up of sin and despair.
BB: What crime against fashion is he wearing today?
T: Nothing special. A fleece that helps to emphasise his middle-aged paunch.
BB: Ha - a pauncho!
T: Oh, I say! Very witty.
BB: It's a gift, it's a gift. You should have seen him last week.
T: Sandals and socks?
BB: No, red AND green.
T: Tish. It's sad when they get old and colourblind, or lose what little sense of fashion they had in the first place.
BB: In Fatty's case, both at once, I fear.
STARLING: Blimey! Him again. I were looking in at this upstairs window and -
- the bus arrived.
| Close enough |
Rhonchi
NO! Wash your gutter-resident mind out with an aseptic solution. This is nothing whatever to do with "Raunchy" even if it does involve heavy breathing.
It's a medical term and refers to mucus obstructing the bronchioles, or airways to you and I. A suffered by Major Max Staniforth in "At War With The 16th Irish Division" thanks to getting lungfuls of gas in May 1918. This actually saw him invalided back home to Blighty and he missed the rest of the war, meaning his rhonchi quite probably saved his life.
 |
| Close enough |
Thucydides
- and the History of the Peloponnesian War.
Dammit, where's Matt when you need him? Conrad would never dare to try to pronounce this Greek author's name as there are so many ways of saying it.
Anyway, this is an impressively titled tome, and tells of the war between Athens and Sparta 2,500 years ago. Yes, you did read that correctly! Old Thuke wasn't just writing history, he was making it as nobody had been so forensically correct about reconstructing the past before.
 |
| They don't skip and they're pretty heavy, actually |
Light blue touchpaper and retire .....
Iron Brew
Now, you just know that Conrad is going to check out the ingredients, as this is pretty much hard-wired into how he exists.
 |
| Egad! Also, Gadzooks! |
What kind of hellbrew is this?
Oh yeah the one that costs merely 50p per bottle.
* Just because this doesn't exist doesn't mean First won't use it as an excuse.
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