An Elle Of A Time

I Can Tell What You're Thinking -
"Conrad's lost the plot - he's mis-spelt that!"
     Thank you but no.  Conrad, North West England's leading contender for the title of Spelling And Grammar Nazi, does not make mistakes like that.
     No, that title sees the fruition of a long-gestating plan to create a sight gag out of print media.
     Behold!

     Okay, it may be a bit slight, but it does work, doesn't it?

Signal To Noise
This has declined noticeably in the office this week, as that Scouser scamp Stephen has returned from disporting himself across Thailand.  He and Alex no sooner noticed this -

The advent calendar, of course.

     - than they were squabbling like a pair of primary schoolchildren about who got to open Day 3 and eat the chocolate behind it.  For the record, it was Alex.  Further to the record, the chocolate was in the shape of two penguins.   Because one inevitably associates flightless swimming birds with Christmas.
     Conrad also persuaded Catherine to take the photo below:

Conrad, looking stern.
And rather jowly.

     I explained it was for a sight gag - "I'm really out of touch.  I'm - get this - behind the times.*"
     This led to Stephen's comment, which might be a compliment or a criticism, depending on your viewpoint:  "Rob**, I'd like to spend a day in your head.  I'm sure I'd come out baffled."

I'm posting late tonight as, thanks to First Bus I didn't get home until 6:50, after leaving the office at 5:00.  Once again the 24 didn't turn up, despite an inspector telling me that it was only 5 minutes away.  I feel another letter to them coming on; I shall have to let the venom brew in my mind for a couple of days before writing.
     Then I had to go vote - Conrad takes his civic duties seriously, dear audience - and then do the shopping.  So I only started this typing at 9:00, which means I've still got to seek out a suit I can still squeeze my fat carcass into.
     Thus - and anyone from work will curse me for taking so long to get to the point - no baking tonight*.

"Mary Poppins"
NO!  Conrad hates all musicals and he has been experiencing far too many visions of bus posters advertising this farrago.  How much does it cost to get in? Fine, I'll pay twice as much to stay out.
     The only two musicals I will watch are "The Blues Brothers" and "The Return Of Captain Invincible", the first because they destroy all the cars in America, the second because it's a good-natured spoof of Superman.

Showing this means - no Poppins

The Metro As Rag
One of the consistent themes of BOOJUM! is a relentless hammering of that tree-killing comic The Metro.  Today featured Kate Winslet on the cover, stating that she had no "gender agenda".  This is what passes for wit at The Metro, and whilst you may fairly condemn Conrad for being just as witless, you get all this free and gratis.  Without adverts.

Although you do get scary faces like this quite a lot

     Anyway, I've decided that the Metro is quite acceptable as a rag, since when it becomes a proper newspaper, that is because ghastly things are going on in the world.  Yes, Victoria, more ghastly than having to pay 5p for a carrier bag.

"Debility"
Tom, which is to say Quiet Tom, the one who silently gets on with work instead of squealing girlishly and playing Candy Crush Saga on his mobile, expostulated earlier this week about this word, which he was unfamiliar with.
     'Surely you've heard of a debilitating condition?' immediately countered your humble scribe.
    'Yes, but-' continued Tom, still cross that this word had dared emerge into daylight and defy him and his intellect***.
     It is obviously from Latin: "Debilis" which means "weak".  That became "Debilitas" which morphed into "Debilite" in Old French.
     I can grant Tom a little leeway here, as it's a word rather out of use.  You can imagine a Medical Officer in the British Army of the First Unpleasantness using it in a diagnosis:  "I concur with the diagnosis that this chap is suffering from acute nervous debility," followed by a tot of rum.

The Livens Projector
Sounds like an avant garde jazz-rock ensemble from Canterbury, eh?
     NO!  It was actually a one-shot large calibre mortar that Captain Livens invented in the First Unpleasantness.  Very basic, so easy to create and use in large numbers.

Ergo

     The reason I write of it is because Rob Morgan wrote about them in his Rearguard article for The Journal.  Rob concentrated on their delivery of gas, although they were also used to deliver high explosive, thermite and oily rags.
     They were used not singly or by the dozen but by the hundreds or thousands, and their ability to deliver a very large amount of gas on target with minimal warning caused a fair bit of nervous debility amongst the Germans.  Perfidious Albion used to dig them in behind higher ground, so the tell-tale flash of firing them was hidden.

The Hun will get given
A whole lot of Liven

* Sorry
** My human colleagues frequently call me this.  The fools!
*** These two things usually go together, but not always.