Quick - Mention Fish Again! "Crablogger"

Okay, Okay, It's A Crustacean Not A Fish
It still lives in water and is delicious with a crisp green salad.
     Sadly today fails to equate to the huge* surge in traffic of yesterday, with Conrad wondering if yes, he really does have to keep posting about fish to keep traffic up.  Coming at it from a different angle**, perhaps it's all about Gerry Anderson and his television programs? In that case I'm covered, I've got a satirical little article a bit further down.  Together with a bit of a kick at The Metro - business as usual, in other words.

This man either has no fear or is completely insane.
IT'S A GIANT SPIDER CRAB MAN!

"The Big Show"
An autobiography by Pierre Closterman about his time in the Free French Air Force during Unpleasantness Number Two.  Quite an eye-opener for Conrad, as, whilst he is a whiz at understanding land warfare, war in the air is a novel encounter for him.  The mechanics and layout and armament of aircraft, the weather, engine performance, arranging attacking tactics, compass bearings, likely opposition  - all interweaved together in a very complex pattern.  And this is during 1943, when the FFAF was operating from England rather than co-operating with ground forces.  Still, that will come after 6th June 1944.
     Actually this isn't what I was posting about.  If - as regular readers you should - you remember a couple of weeks ago Conrad was banging on about "The Centurions", a novel by Jean Larteguy about the doomed French wars in Vietnam and Algeria.
     What and who does Closterman quote in his Introduction?
     Dead to rights!  Jean Larteguy and "The Centurions".

Big Shoe.  Close enough

Cake!
No!  Not the film with Jennifer Aniston.  The food that you eat.
     Conrad was cajoled by Sophie***earlier this week, bemoaning the lack of chocolate cake that I make.
     This is howlingly ironic as Sophie surpasses Conrad at baking, and her decorating skills are absolutely sublime.
     "Okay!" I quavered cravenly.  "Chocolate Orange Cake?  Is - is that - acceptable?"
     A surly snarl from Sophie she said yes.
     Now, this cake is a bit fiddly to make.  You take an orange, prick it all over several hundred times, then boil/simmer for thirty minutes, cut it apart, de-seed it, then puree it in a blender, allow to cool and mix into the batter.  The puree bit takes ages and I worried it wasn't blended finely enough^.  You also need melted chocolate that has to be sufficiently cool that it won't curdle the batter, but not too cool or it'll be just a large immobile slab of cocoa.

The cake, an hour after being displayed

     Then there is the ganache.
     This is double cream brought to the boil - not over-boiled either or you're in trouble - taken off the heat and with an equal amount of chocolate mixed in, until you get ganache, which is probably one of the most unhealthy foodstuffs in existence.
     "Cool for 90 minutes" says the recipe, except by this time it was 10:30 p.m. and so Conrad just bunged it in the fridge.
     This was not wise.  

Cold and hard as Conrad's flinty heart

     For why?  Next day the ganache came out of the fridge as a giant block of immobile cocoa, and it didn't warm up and thin out until most of the cake had gone.  Nor was that all: Alison and Sophie^^ had "borrowed" it and the tub needed to be prised out of their death-grip hands.

"Captain Sinbad"!  That's the fillum!  Where Sinbad has to brave a tortuous maze defended by a giant studded glove in order to stab the extracted heart of the evil villain to kill him.       It is a real thing and Conrad can prove it so:

Add caption
"Add Captain!"^^^

There will now be a short pause as I go get the remaindered chicken drumsticks from the oven.  You may talk amongst yourselves -

 - aaaaand we're back.  Leading onto -

I Did Get Quite A Bit Of Remaindered Stuff Tonight
One of the reasons that this post is going out so late is that not only was I working late at work, but as this is Friday I also had to do the weekly shop.

Don't worry, this will all be gone by Sunday evening

     Conrad, he love a bargain.  Given these prices it would have been rude not to buy them.

Malleting The Metro
I have to keep in practice at this, but our favourite papier mache fodder never fails to provide reasons for Conrad to rant and tant.  Let us examine:

     Okay, technically as this is a smooth-bore weapon with limited elevation and traverse, firing a low-velocity round, it's a mortar, not a "howitzer".  It also looks extremely dangerous, to the user as much as those on the receiving end.  A gas canister is designed with various safety parameters in mind, but those responsible can be forgiven for not calculating "Oh! Wow! I know we have to ensure our twenty litre canister can safely be propelled by explosives from a confined space and not explode until landing ..."
      Although it does remind Conrad of a British weapon from Unpleasantness Number One:  the Livens Projector.

Imagine it with wheels and you're right there

     These were used by the hundred, fired electrically to launch simultaneously.  The Germans detested them as they gave little to no warning of firing and could saturate front-line trenches with so much gas that respirators gave out.  Gas, explosive, burning oily rags or thermite, definitely Perfidious Albion at work.

Gerry Anderson Ergonomics: The Sidewinder
Lest there be any doubt here, gentle readers, Conrad is only conducting a gentle mockery of a series he esteems highly - very highly; how many marionette shows have inspired a real life International Rescue Corps? - and we shall see if others haven't also been inspired.
     Anyway, the Sidewinder.  Seen in "Pit of Peril", which is neither about personal hygeine nor what's left after you eat the peach.  Art Department!

No.  Put down your sherry and do it right!

NO!  Mister Hand, get over here with your bamboo skewer -

Finally.  Sheesh.  You see what I have to work with?

   The US Army Sidewinder is a 500 ton all-terrain vehicle capable of 50 mph, intended to create landing zones or beachheads for follow-on forces, using a unique four-limbed "leg" system to operate.
     Which is when the questions begin.  This thing weighs in at 500 tons?  Then that means 125 tons weight distribution per leg, and Conrad's quick calculations reveal that each "foot" has an area of 81 square feet, or a loading of 2 tons per square foot.
     At rest.  If this baby has one leg off the ground at any one time, then the loading increases to 3 tons per square foot.
     Okay, what kind of surface can sustain that kind of load without - kinda - collapsing?
     Then there's those giant arms at the front.  Those things are massive.  Waving them around is going to seriously affect Sidewinder's stability if not centre of gravity.

Told you so!

     Then again, how does it steer?  There seems to be limited articulation in those legs.  Also, what is this thing powered by?  All the mega-machines Conrad has analysed for the blog have been nuclear-powered, which in the case of Sidewinder would pose a serious safety risk - fall over, fall down or fallout, you're going to get some serious radioactive repercussions.
     One thing Conrad is pleased to see - the crew number 20, clearly a far better allocation than the ridiculous 2 for Crablogger or Roadlayer

     Actually, it appears that the original Sidewinder was a prototype, and that Universal Engineering took on board the problems it had, installing an emergency jet hover system to prevent catastrophic collapses.
     Or - I could be overthinking things a bit ....



* "Huge" for BOOJUM! that is.
** See?  See what I did there!
*** Not that Sophie, this Sophie.
^ DO you get a sense of deja vu here?  As if reading about, oooh, I dunno - a Bake Off?
^^ Not this Sophie, that Sophie
^^^ Do you see what I did there?  Did you?  Am I clever or what!