Yes, really. Something very peculiar has happened today - the blog visits number 78, the highest total ever, and that's before today's polished gem of venomous wit has been published.
I mentioned this to Wonder Wifey, who said "It's a Brit" of my lone yet loyal Kazakh fan. Well, no, I choose to imagine that it's a Kazakh, perhaps someone trying to learn the English language, and by sheer luck* he or she came across BOOJUM!, with it's eclectic mix of nonsense, words, tanks, astronomy and fish titles.
"I must know more!" they decree, and go back over old blog posts.
"Perhaps not," they decide, never to return.
| Beautiful Kazakh scenery. No, wait a minute - |
Comic Relief - the Bake Off
Yes, it happened last night, and I didn't post about it because it didn't finish until 9:30 and Conrad does have other things to do than add to the international production of scrivel.
"Tell us!" I hear you call. "Tell us all about it in detail, Conrad!"
O I thought you'd never ask.
The contestants were Gok Wan, who is a designer of things, apparently; Jonathan Ross, who is on television and used to be hip; Zoella, who is a baking blogger**; Abby Clancy, who is a model.
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| NO! Good lord, Art Department, what have you been drinking? |
Jonathan's were flavoured with Lapsang Souchong. Which is a smoked tea. Might as well have blended kippers into the batter! Not a success.
Gok's "Geisha" cupcakes looked nothing like Geisha's and a whole lot more like pigs with wigs. He also didn't manage to decorate enough, so hid the blank ones on the bottom of his basket and crossed fingers.
Zoe and Abby did fairly well, Abby being just as surprised as the audience that her Rainbow cupcakes were attractively polychromatic.
Conrad did shout loudly at the contestants that, if you're going to decorate a cake, it has to be COOL! Elementary, that.
| 'Sup, Crake? Easily confused |
Next, the Technical: Profiteroles, filled with red cream filling.
If you've never made them, profiteroles are tricky little beggars, as the dough is the horribly sticky Chough, which cannot be handled and needs to be piped.
Gok Won^, deservedly as his profiteroles looked like profiteroles and were full of delicious red filling. Zoella also did well, but Abby - not so hot. Jonathan's were dire - they didn't rise at all and looked like chocolate-coated crisps.
| Chough. Close enough |
The Showstopper: Marble Cake In The Shape Of A Building
Gok and Abby both chose to do The Shard, with Gok's version being done with arithmetical prevision and Abby's being more - er - artistic. Gok pulled the stops out on his and this lad is one to watch - a perfectionist with a competitive streak a mile wide.
Zoella's Beach Hut looked as if the council had condemned it. Very colourful but with little marbling and too dry.
Jonathan, over-reaching again, tried to do the Royal Albert Hall, and managed, just. He didn't help himself by putting the oven on "GRILL" instead of "OVEN". Mary and Paul were very kind to him.
| Jon. Talked a good game, bloody awful on the pitch |
Why Are Fizzy Drinks Fizzy?
The science behind why Hom. Sap. likes carbonated beverages is not definitive on the subject.
Why did the subject come up at all? Well, thank you Anthony. He mentioned fizzy drinks at work and Conrad immediately began wondering why humans^^ like fizzy drinks. Scientists say that your human^^ love for pop might be to do with your^^ ability to enjoy things that your^^ biology says "BAD!" about, but which are really okay. Like a hot curry, or Carlsberg Special Brew, or titrated salts of uranium hexaflouride, or Poskrebyshev.
Note that Edna the mobile alarm system barks here head off at any carbonated drink that gets near her. Flat Coke, she's okay with; fresh Coke she will KILL TO DEATH! Jenny the mobile laser cannon a.k.a. the house cat, will back away frantically from an opened bottle of pop.
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| Yahoo Serious. Nobel Prize winner on account of bubbles in beer. Then again I could be wrong. It was the Eighties. |
Chinese New Year
Or Fat Choy, I believe, Conrad, apparently, was born in the year of the Ox, which is peculiarly appropriate. He is both fat, weighing in at twenty-seven stone, and extremely large, and broad across the shoulders.
"Don't get up!" joked Harry at the Pub Quiz. "When you stand up the room goes dark!"
Conrad. Large, ungainly and extremely clumsy. If I were human I would weep^^^.
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| Conrad, invisible as he takes cover behind an aerial~ |
It's not unusual to have ice-cream for breakfast. When we worked at the Old Bank Building Conrad used to enjoy a breakfast of delicious home-made ice-cream, which had softened up enough by the time he got to work to be just ready to eat.
Last week I finished off the Mint And Chocolate Chip that had been sitting in the freezer for weeks, forgotten about. Today, as it was payday - excuse me !!PAYDAY!! - I had a Vienetta for breakfast, as the Carte D'Or was twice the price.
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| Breakfast! |
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| Bread and butter |
Pip pip!
* Good or bad, your call.
** Infinitely better-known that BOOJUM!, the poor dear
*** I'm baking a Chocolate and Orange cake right now.
^ Sorry, had to get that out of my system
^^ Don't include me in your species!
^^^ Don't worry, only the first five words here are true.
~ In his dreams! <courtesy Mister Hand>
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