CRA BLOGGER

Sorry, Couldn't Resist
I'll not get to use a pun like that very often, so allow me the indulgence.
     I'm sure you're thinking "What peculiar and probably illegal liquid has Conrad been trying now?" (Titrated salts of uranium hexaflouride, if you must know)
     Well, don't worry, all will be revealed slightly later in the blog.
     I have to say that I'm under the whip tonight, as the Comic Relief Bake-Off is on tonight, and yes it really IS tonight after yesterday's false alarm.  I have been practicing at work this morning and at lunchtime, so my chops are good and we'll see how well I get on.
     Hopefully there'll be none of that format-destroying affliction that happens if you inadvertently press the browser back button ...

A lobate scarp on Mercury, because I can

Lakes On Titan
Yes, Conrad was struck by this information read on the BBC website, and - being utterly juvenile in mind if definitely not in body - his thoughts immediately ran to "Stingray" and the evil undersea ruler Titan, who ruled the underwater kingdom of - er - Titanica.
     I guess you don't have to be very creative if you're a total despot.
     "Aha!  I wonder, might there be an exotic alien race living under these seas and lakes!" ran my thoughts, "full of exotic greens-skinned mermaids with bare - "
     - which daydream rather came to a crashing halt as Conrad read on, to see that these "lakes" and "seas" are composed of liquid ethane, methane and propane, meaning that the temperature is at least 160 degrees below zero, and those mermaids would be wearing a lot of warm clothing.
     Oh well.  

Titan, wearing this winter's most haute couture cabbage cape

A Little More Musical Criticism
Just to tidy things up a little, as I did the intro, first verse and chorus, but omitted the second verse of "Flyswatter" by Eels, from the "Daisies of the Galaxy" CD.  Take it away Mr E!

Heat is rolling in like hell's red rug

Technically, E, heat would tend to rise rather than roll.  Basic physics, you know.

Stinking like the breath of Beelzebub

Look, Bee - there's a wide range of dental hygiene products, you know ...

And if you think you won't walk on coals

If that happens to be Cheryl Cole's, I'd be quite happy to!

You will

That's a bit brusque, E.  Haven't you heard of tact?  Subtlety? Diplomacy?

I know, I know, it's a bit short, but so is time and it's only forty-five minutes till the badger parade Bake Off.

Old Recording Media
Chatting to the musical superstar star all-round-nice-person Alison, who is currently trying to learn the theremin, I mentioned Mini Disks, and she got a far-away look in her eye.  These things were big for perhaps a couple of years - about twenty years ago.  You simply don't hear of them now, digital technology having sent them the way of the passenger pigeon, Poskrebyshev and Procul Harum.

     Conrad wondered aloud about the laser disk, as this, too, had been faddishly popular for a while several decades ago.  Are they still around?  Who knows!

Shiny!

     Then for genuine obsolesence you can't go far wrong with the old VHS video tape, at which the shades of the Betamax video tape must be laughing.

     Don't even get me started on Quadrophonic tapes!


Gerry Anderson Ergonomics: The Crablogger*
If you have been good and faithful readers, then you will have read yesterday's blog about the Roadlayer, an atomic-powered, automated motorway maker.  
     You might have wondered about how the Roadlayer managed to get through heavily-wooded terrain, or forests, or jungle, or even shrubs with ambition.
     Wonder no more!  Meet CRABLOGGER, the equally enormous vehicle that destroys forests.

In all it's awful glory

     Once again this behemoth is nuclear-powered, it's name derived from the "claws" that grapple mighty trees and thrust them into it's gaping maw, to be crushed to woodpulp.
     Allow me to show the technical cutaway:

Hundreds of tons, millions of pounds - to what end?

     Yes indeed, to what end?
     Why, to make woodpulp, of course.  So that The Metro can continue to be printed in 50 years time.
     Once again, Conrad is awed at the casual approach of Health and Safety in 2065, although to give them credit, this particular mega-vehicle isn't armed with artillery and nuclear warheads like the Roadlayer.
     It's Achilles heel is exactly the same, however: a crew of two, both working at the same time.
     What were the designers thinking! 
     BERT:  What a beaut! Five hundred tons that cost one hundred and fifty million pounds!
     TARQUIN:  Er - d'you think it might be better and safer to have three crewmen, instead of just two?
     BERT: Get out of here with your desire for ridiculously inflated staff salaries!
     TARQUIN: It's just that there might be an accident -
     BERT:  Bah!  Pessimist!  Nay-sayer!  With as many as two crewmen working simultaneously, what on earth could go wrong?
     TARQUIN: It does weight five hundred tons, with a giant nuclear reactor aboard.
     BERT (suspiciously): Tark, I'm beginning to think you might not be a team player

TARQUIN: I warned you
BERT: I fought that design flaw all the way!

The Metro:  One Way Ticket To Mars
Tomorrow's flyswatter*** has an article about how 5 Britons have gotten into the final 100 applicants for a one-way trip to the red planet.
     Fair enough.  This would be extremely risky as a long-term operation, with no hope of rescue if anything goes wrong - remember "The Waters of Mars", or Zero X's first mission.
     Even if the Rock Snakes and Mysterons don't kill off these colonists, it's still a one way mission^.  You have meteors, marsquakes, friable ground, radiation and Ice Warriors to contend with.
     That's not the really surprising thing.  The really surprising thing is how many people applied to go - 200,000!

This interview result means you CAN'T GO!

Hello Coincidence!
Yesterday Phil (team leader) carried out an interview on the second floor of The Electric Goldfish Bowl, and declared it rather an eerie experience.  It was, he said, identical to our floor in every way, and every time he turned a corner or encountered anyone, he expected it to be us cavaliers from the Seventh Floor.
     What was I watching last night?  "Coherence", about a group of people who keep encountering houses and people identical to themselves, yet subtly different.
     Not creepy at all.
     Not creepy, not creepy, not creepy ...

Conrad, being incoherent.

A Bit More Coincidence
I mentioned Alison, learning the theremin.  This is a very difficult instrument to learn, but she stated she'd managed to get pretty close to a Portishead track, except she couldn't remember what it was called.
     Conrad, lurking large on the bus, pulled out his i-pod and identified the track as it's the first one on "Dummy".  Yes it does have theremin on it.  
     What's the track called?
     "Mysterons"
     Where do the Mysterons live?
     On Mars.
     Who made "Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons"?
     Gerry Anderson.
     Not creepy at all, no not at all - DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT!

Captain Black having a one-man rave

* see? See how clever I am**?
** I am clever!  I am! <stamps foot like child, hurts ankle, hobbles away>
*** I AM CLEVER!
^ Conrad has a long list of people he'd like to send there.  A long, loooong list.