The El Dogger Of This Blogger

I Know I'm Reaching A Bit There -
"El Dogger" should be "Doggerel" but then it wouldn't rhyme, would it?
     I can tell what you're thinking, and no, I haven't been at the cooking sherry or the cistern of titrated uranium hexaflouride* either.  I refer, obviously - obviously! - to the short rhyme I posted on Twitter last night, about the sad news:

I didn't know Mr Nimoy But if I had Oh Boy! He'd endure endless pester Our relationship would fester He'd hit me with a rock And say - AMOK!

     It's a bit tricky trying to pack a rhyme into 140 characters whilst still keeping it sensible and legible.
     Oh - the "Amok" refers to "Amok Time", an episode of Star Wars Trek that features Mister Speck's character**.

A Mop.  Close enough

More Proof Of The Cat's "Inappropriate" Gene
I know I rant a bit about bloggers who lazily fill their posts with photographs and pictures with a maximum of fifty words, but here I go with a series of photographs.  You can't complain, I counted last night's post and there were 945 carefully-selected words present***.

Cat in bag

     This must be when Jenny decided my rucksack made an excellent secondary toilet.  Not appropriate here, as with her in rucksack I couldn't fit my kit in.

Cat under basket

     We put this basket over her, to see how long it was before she escaped - note the overhang on the left-hand side - and she wrong-footed us by just staying there.  We had to shift her before setting the table.

Cat on books.
"Yes, puny human?"

     A persistent problem at the weekend.  There I am, reading, and Jenny comes up to stick her bum in my face.
     "Gaze upon my Ass of Awesome!" is what I believe she's saying.  Then: "Oh wow books are so comfy to lie on!"

Cat in box

     Ha!  Fooled you, Jenny - it's just an empty box and we don't need - what's that?  We need a box to send off an e-bay purchase?

Oh Boy 30 Years A-Waiting!
I believe I may have banged on a bit about a book that Abebooks describes as "The weirdest book in the world", the "Codex Seraphinianus".  When originally published it came in two limited edition folio volumes that cost thousands.  Conrad has occasionally checked on Abebooks to check on prices and on Thursday came across a volume for £47 with free postage.
     It came today!

That's a red blood cell transitioning into ladybirds
Just so we're clear.

     The pages are high-quality vellum and it looks completely bonkers.  I shall probably post a few photographs tomorrow, as that way I can string it out a bit er sustain the interest.
     If you want to know more:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codex_Seraphinianus

     I shall be checking out the resource pages listed at the bottom.

Conrad: Reliving His Youth
Yes, dear audience, it is a sad day when an old dog tries to pretend that he's not.  However, that's not Conrad.  Oh no.  He likes being a grumpy old man who looks like a grumpy old man, one whom you can't entirely trust as you never know what he's going to produce from his rucksack^.
     Anyway, I recently purchased this collection of short stories:

Back then, every spy wore a pork-pie hat

     I've not read this for more than 30 years, but I still remember the story about the spy allergic to pollen, and the spy protected by an array of dogs, and the spy who hid his secret information in the walls, and the Sherlock Holmes story.  
     Er - that's all really.  Just wanted to share with you.  BOOJUM! - bringing you closer^^.

For your information we are already up to 647 words.

"Wolves"
I saw this film ad in The Metro and have just decided to review it, using BOOJUM!'s patent review guidelines, i.e. dive into it with no knowledge at all.
     Well, not that I'm an expert or anything, but this, frankly, looks deadly dull.

They have female football players?  Who knew!

     It's obviously - obviously! - a documentary about Wolverhampton Wanderers, a.k.a. known as "Wolves".  Not that Conrad has anything against documentaries, but football as a subject would send him to sleep.  Even just writing about it is bringing on the yawns ...
     Whoops!  Nearly nodded off there.  
     Let us see what nonsense Art Department come up with, shall we?
     Art!  stop sniffing that petrol!  Put it in the car after you've chosen an image -

Hmmm.  Not bad, not bad ...

                                            Not entirely convinced here ...





* Full of radioactive goodness!
** I think these are the names, it's a bit obscure and my memory's not that good.
*** And once again, whose blog is it?
^ Like a cat.
^^ Whether you want it or not.

Spock Drokk Grock

Major Sad Face Tonight
No more Leonard Nimoy, as I'm sure you've all heard tonight.  Mr Nimoy was known for his character "Paris" in "Mission Impossible", Dr Kibner in "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" (the 1978 remake), as "Ahmet" in the television series "Marco Polo", and notably in both versions of "I, Robot" in the original and remade "The Outer Limits", with a very long list of apprentice television work - and of course - obviously! - as the Uncredited Sergeant chatting-up a WAAF in "Them!".*

Mr Smock with a Unicorndog

"Run All Night"
Conrad has seen this film poster at the bus stop, not yet on buses, and he feels compelled to review it in the style of BOOJUM!.  That is to say, without knowing anything about it, and not bothering to find out, either, and generalising terribly.

He's either blindfolded in a metaphor about BOOJUM!'s film review rules -
- or he's playing an invisible Theremin

     Obviously this is a film about nocturnal joggers, who are probably one of those subcultures you never hear about unless you're part of them, like pylon-spotters, bog-snorkellers or Subutteo League players. 
     Well, Conrad has some questions.  First of all, what time of year is this set?  Because you might only get six hours of night in high summer, and twelve in the depths of winter.  That means you need to have incredible endurance, or not.  Secondly, how do we define "running"?  What speed counts as "Running"?  Is this an average or median value?  Thirdly, who monitors these joggers, because it's DARK and you can't see if they're cheating by getting a lift off passing motorists, can you?
     Frankly the whole thing is a bit of a nightmare to organise and run and Conrad won't be hurrying to see it.

Ah!  Thank you Art.  Obviously "Run All Night" is a shameless rip-off of this film.
Shocking!

Saint Ives
Let me put the old saw to you:" As I was going to Saint Ives, I met a man with seven wives.  Each wife had seven sacks.  Each sack had seven cats.  Each cat had seven kits**.  Kits, cats, sacks and wives, how many were going from Saint Ives?"
     It's not rocket science!  
     2,402 of course.  
     7 x 7 x 7 x 7 +1.
     " - going from -"

Ist Hives.  Close enough

Cake!
I was up against the clock last night, getting in late and with the Pub Quiz to attend at 9:00, so I'd gotten the almond sponge ready the previous night and all I had to do was work the ganache into a spreading consistency.  A little easier said than done when it's been in the fridge all day!
      I managed:

A rush job

     I no longer have a guinea-pig at home to test stuff out on, so it was a slightly apprehensive Conrad who dished out the slices at work - Sophie and Alison barely suppressing their delight at cake with CHOCOLATE! upon it and within it.
     

Hmmm.  You know, Vulnavia, I think they like it!

A Bit Of Whimsy
Conrad recently purchased "Swan Song", a supernatural thriller by Robert McCammon, which begins with the end of the world and progresses from there - after World War Three the supernatural starts to impinge on the survivors.  Viz:

I'm leaving this small as it's rather unpleasant.  But accurate

     I remember reading this first time round back in the late Eighties, and Wonder Wifey took an instant dislike to the book.
     "That's just showing off!" she snarled.  "Nobody could possibly write a book that long.  And only another show-off would try to read it!"
     It is rather long but the story rattles along apace and after only a few days Conrad is up to Page <checks>326 of 956.  It is nowhere near as complex as Thomas Pynchon, so I'm really on a winner.

Amanda Wants Pulling
I kid you not.  One of our team, Amanda/Mandy, loudly and suddenly declared that she needed to be stretched, as on a rack.  Long hours hunched over a PC, I suspect.
     Racks, medieval torture implements, are rare in today's modern office environment***, and so Mandy decided that two brawny men would serve instead.
     "How would you -" that is, your humble scribe Conrad^ " - and Anthony like to stretch me?  You could get my arms, and you could get my legs."
     Anthony and I were united in declaring that not only were we not interested in carrying out any such thing, but that we'd need notarised signed pro formas before thinking - not doing it, just thinking - about it.
     Conrad, however, fired by a spirit of mischief that bubbles under the surface ALL THE TIME, remembered a couple of items that might serve if those notarised signed pro formas ever arrived.

No! Not chocolate biscuits!

     Just to be clear that we're not talking about chocolate biscuits:

Cable ties.
For tying cables.

     Mandy, with her mind definitely on the kerb if not actually in the gutter, loudly pronounced me associated with some film about monochromes - "Fifty Shards of Grey" I believe.
     That's all for that, which has swum dangerously near being NSFW and NSFC.

"House Of Leaves"
The rather striking Laura D.^^ mentioned this novel to Conrad in passing, whilst he was telling her about the "Codex Seraphinianus" in such detail that her brain was glazing, never mind her eyes.
     "It's dark, and weird,' she explained -

Hmmm.  Looks like a Monopoly piece.

     SOLD!
     Two of the Interested buttons that always get Conrad interested.  Did I ever tell you about "The Yawning Heights", which <Mister Hand shuts this post down before readers die from Sudden Ennui Syndrome>



* I believe he was in some cult television series whom nobody's ever heard of called "Starry Trek" with a theme tune about Bilbo Baggins.
** Airfix, Revell or Tamiya?
*** Although believed to be quite common in North Korea.
^ Under his alias "Rob"
^^ Can't embarrass the gel with her full name!