Whither The Weather

Yes, I've Used That Title Before

So what?  Conrad feels genuinely sorry for those benighted souls unfortunate enough to live elsewhere than the Allotment of Eden.  Not only do we have a functioning democracy – although quite what the Hellenes of antiquity would make of our House of Lords is a matter of speculation – we also have a postal service and flushing toilets.  Living the dream.

The white heat of British technology!

     We also have an ever-reliable ice-breaker (usually metaphorical though not always) in our weather.  Today at the bus stop on my way to work – I have told you about now being gainfully employed again, haven’t I? – it was especially windy, to the extent that your humble scribe was glad of the new roof.  Also, it was cold and damp – Oldham Edge not visible due to the vapourous waters i’the air, as Shakespeare might have said*.

     I was glad of my coat.  I wasn’t on Monday, thanks to the tropical heat, and here Art can provide a bit of context.

     Employers are queuing up for me to work for them.  What howling irony!  Also a fond farewell to having a lie-in every morning.

     Enough harping and carping – let the motley dander forward on it’s foppish feet.

More Of Ratty And Batty

So there we  were, idly basking in the sun (see above for further illumination) with Conrad sniggering quietly to himself.  Not quietly enough – Wonder Wifey wanted to know what was the cause for hilarity?  Well, normally this would be news of an orphanage burning down, or a busload of nuns drowning whilst trying to rescue a sackful of puppies from the canal.  Today it was the RODENT RANGERS! – superheroes with a theme, and their sworn enemies RAT PACK ATTACK – more theme doncha know.  I was sniggering in appreciation at how clever I was. 

Your humble scribe, sniggering

     So we have – Vengeance Vole; obviously one of the heroes**.  WW suggested field mice; Degsy cautioned that they are exceedingly small; Conrad countered with numbers, so alongside Vengeance Vole we have Flying Ferocious Field-Mouse Squadron.

     In the other corner WW suggested Vole-uptuous, her of the hour-glass figure.  No, we are still SFW so you don’t get a saucy picture.  Someone came up with Vole-ocity, who would be the evil counterpart of <thinks> Hurry Hamster.  Degsy (typically) suggested Hamsterdam, who is Dutch and sweary, and I end with that arch-villain of the ice-ray, Chinchiller.

A terrifying threat to world peace

Oh Irony

Due to my new job – did I tell you I was working again? – I have to catch the 409 of a morning, and I have noticed that, regular as clockwork, the 24 arrives just before the 409.  When I don’t need to catch it.  Give it a couple of weeks and – hang on, let me just check if Ben Folds is still alive – ah, good, he is, and worried that he left a spoon in the fork drawer – a couple of weeks, when I switch roles and then need to catch the 24, and it will suddenly become as elusive as mist.

     We shall see.

NOT TO BE MIXED¬

Back To Bashing Baldy

Which is a terribly disrespectful way to address Captain Jean-Luc Picard.  Got your attention, though, didn’t it?  Anyway, let us jump backward in time to the raffish Kirk-era Enterprise, which did not have a variety of social worker poised on the bridge.  No, it had Captain Kirk – “Look an exotic alien princess with blue skin and a halter top – SHAG!” and Scotty “Did yez spill me dram, Klingon? – FIGHT!” and usually a trespassing Bones “I say, a mint julep, my favourite – DRINK!”

Well, he's more elegant when he's fighting

     What does the STTNG Enterprise have?  That Dog Buns empath – “Red shirt, I feel your pain”  “Yes that’s because I’ve got a whacking big spear stuck in me”.  Also, their bridge appears to have been designed by a committee with the brief “Beige carpets are awesome”.  Where are the electro-mechanical gadgets?  The dials and meters and battle-scope and wacky ambient sounds?  I bet half those crew members are playing “Solitaire”, or browsing for shoes.

     Don’t get me  started on phasers –

Clerihew Overflow

I didn’t post this one yesterday because we had hit count, and I like to keep a little something in reserve.  Take it away!

Albert Einstein

Rarely drank wine.

He did, though, adore hog grits.

“They allow me,”he said, “To do atomic splits.”

     Ha, biting relevant satire.  Except it’s not.  Nor, to be honest, is Conrad entirely sure what a ‘hog grit’ actually is.  Let me hastily Google.

     Well, I’ve Googled and am not really much the wiser, apart from considering that hog grits look disgusting.

And on that note, I am off for something to eat!

Ah.  Lunch.

That was easy.  See?  Writing ‘Macbeth’ can’t have been that hard.

If you can’t see that immediately, READ MORE COMICS!!