There May Not Be Pictures

 - But Then Again

Because I’m typing this at work – did I tell you I am back in the world of work? because I am – and as a result I don’t thing searching for pictures of nuclear detonations, phasers, zombies, exploding planets or super-powered rodents would go down especially well with the sinister scrutineers of IT.  Also, I shall have very little time to post this once I get home as we are off for a meal.

The venue

     I don’t usually bother updating you lot with details of my social life, since Conrad firmly believes there is little more boring than reading about other people having Fun.  Besides which, my idea of “fun” would cause a cerebral embolism in most humans.  However!  It is not every day that your daughter graduates, which Darling Daughter did yesterday.  Hence the meal tonight.  Rashly, and in front of witnesses, Conrad offered to pay for it.

     Somewhat predictably, Conrad’s first response at seeing the photographs of said graduation ceremony was “Sal!  Your cleavage!” – a father’s reaction.  No, you don’t get a photo.

    

How The Raj Got It’s Groove On

As you may be aware by now (there will be a test later) , Conrad is most definitely both a creature of habit and deeply suspicious of anything new.  Like mobile phones.  I have just about accommodated the frankly intrusive landline version at this point, a process that has taken a good thirty years or so: still not convinced that allowing people, whom you don’t want to speak to, access to your ears 24 hours a day is a good thing.

     Your modest artisan is of the opinion that we never needed the Digital Devil Box to create and run the British Empire – STAND AND SALUTE THE QUEEN YOU PIKERS! – so why on earth do we need them now?  I could quite happily put mine in a canvas sack, tie it shut, wallop it against an anvil, throw it beneath the tracks of  a passing Challenger tank (what a handy coincidence that was!) and then hurl it into the depths of the Bridgewater Canal.

     Not a fan*.

     Judge for yourself, then, your humble scribe’s feelings upon seeing a bus stop poster for “The Emoji Movie” – tagline “Welcome to the secret life inside your phone”.  O Rly?  Can they breathe underwater?

     Conrad, techno-Luddite that he so plainly is, confesses that he’s not entirely sure what an Emoji is.  Sounds Japanese <sighs loudly enough that he scares the dog>  You know, life used to be simpler; the only cultural encroachment you needed fear was from South Canada.  Now the Japs as well?  It’s a pincer movement.

Atom-bombing the Moon.  Can't have it getting complacent

Mucking Around With Words

This has been brewing for a while.  A wag over on The Flop House’s Facebook page suggested on a thread that we post about actors who didn’t follow the career path clearly indicated by their names.  Thus!  Conrad came up with a couple of corkers.

“Deforest Kelly did not invent Agent Orange”

“John Woo did not go on to become a spokesman for conspiracy theories”

    

     Sadly this was weeks ago and I can’t remember any more, although I did loads at the time, which is an indication of both how wonderfully creative I am, and how bad my memory is.

Orange in the background, though!

Right, Back To Buffeting Baldy

Ha!  Yes, Conrad is once again skewering “Star Trek: The Next Generation” by insulting Captain Picard.  Don’t fret, Patrick Stewart’s a big boy, he can take it.

     Okay, ST:TNG – set design, especially the bridge.  Maximum blandness, that it not offend anyone’s eyes.  Muted lighting, for the same reason.  And they’re all sat down, dammit – doesn’t anyone in the Twenty Sixth Century ever, I dunno,  Loiter Dramatically?  Why isn’t there a doctor (a female one!) lurking on the bridge?

     Don’t get me started on phasers …

     Okay, I changed my mind, I will start on phasers.  The Original Series phaser was, plainly and obviously, a weapon – hang on, let me just check Ben Folds is still alive – ah, jolly good, he is, and he too thinks TOS was better.  Unusual in design, maybe, but still – a weapon.

This says "gun"

     STTNG executives in the Eighties threw up their hands in horror at this.  “Egad!  Gadzooks!” – not “Dog Buns” as that’s an Oughties saying – “We cannot have this!  Tone it down lest it offendeth someone!” and lo, the STTNG phaser was born.  Some have christened it “The Dustbuster” as it looks akin to a hand-held hoover.  Conrad holds that it more closely resembles a credit card reader.

This says "Transaction successful"

     What an utterly terrifying prospect!  “Attention Bumpy-foreheaded Aliens!  Cease and desist!  Or the Federation will fine you 10,000 credits.” (No deferred or serial payments allowed).  What a rubbish weapon.  Frankly, you’d be better off with a Webley .455, which has the same range and accuracy, makes an impressive loud noise and can also be used as a hammer.

     Bah!

The Large Hadron Collider, as imagined by ST:TNG

*  You may have picked up on this.