MONGOLIUM

Yes, Yes, It's Not A Proper Word

I know that because I invented it earlier this afternoon.  It's an acronym.

Man Of Non-Geriatric Orthodox Lifetyle In Upper Manchester.  M.O.N.G.O.L.I.U.M.

     "Who is this person, Conrad?" I hear you ask.  

     Who do you think - me!

     Although your humble scribe is getting on a bit, he's definitely not geriatric.  He lives a painfully orthodox lifestyle (at least on the surface) so that the multitude of secret agencies lurking in those white vansoutside  have nothing to prosecute over.  Royton is part of Greater Manchester, to the north of that Modern Babylon, hence the "upper" bit.

     All perfectly logical and nothing whatsoever to do with Mongolia or Ghengis Khan.

Right, bring on the motley!

That Magical Affinity Cats Have For Paper

At least our cat.  No sooner is your humble scribe settled at the kitchen table with a mountain of books and notepads than Jenny will langourously uncurl herself from her cat igloo, saunter outside and sit on my books.

     As I said, a magical affinity.  You'd think she could read.  That's not the extent of her sins, either.  Art?

     Take a look at that photograph, because there were two pens on top of that tin.  Jenny is wrestling with the blue pen, which she will then throw to the floor.  After that she ignores it, her job clearly done.

     Is this normal or natural?  As you surely know by now, Conrad is not materialistic or possessive* apart from his pens, so this behaviour gets his goat, sheep, cows and pigs all at once.

"The Marine 2"

Conrad came across an excellent page on "Den of Geek" that identified the 25 best Direct To Video films of the past 10 years.

     "I beg your pardon?" I hear you say.  "But what is "Video"?"

Conrad, wondering if his chain is being yanked

     Okay, okay.  Back in the 80's when the home video market took off, certain film companies eschewed** releasing films at the cinema, opting instead to put them out immediately on video.  This saved a whole bargeload of money in terms of distribution and promotion, which mattered as these films were usually of the lower-budget variety.  Nowadays they go out on DVDs but the principle remains the same.

     Enter WWE Entertainment - yes, the wrestling people - who have created a small stable of DTV action films of considerable entertainment value.  They won't win any awards, yet they do what they say on the tin.  Art?

Ted Dibiase

     Now, since the film is a good 7 years old, I don't care if what follows amounts to spoilers.  Firstly, Ted is indeed a man-mountain of muscled Marine manliness - Art?

Bordering on risque?
No, no, they're married!

     He sneaks into the holiday complex on the heels of mercenaries sent in to do the dirty rescue work, mercenaries who also walk into an ambush. What do they do when the searchlights come on and gunfire rings out?  Why they stand up right out in the open.  One of these idiots stands up because that way he can look cool by firing from the hip, incidentally missing whatever he was aiming at and getting killed dead, by the way.

     There.  Got that off my chest.  I feel much better now.

     Actually no I don't, not after comparing my chest with Ted's  :(

There will now be a brief interlude as I get another cup of tea -

"The Crying Of Lot 49" By Thomas Pynchon

One consequence of shifting hundreds of books around to try and dig out any official histories hiding behind them was rediscovering the above title.  I was going to lend it to Laura at work as it's a lot shorter than most of Tom's novels; I also have a "Companion" to it.  

     Here's the irony - the "Companion" is longer than the novel itself.  I wonder, should I attempt to re-read it with the Companion in the other hand?

"Plants Versus Zombies"

At first glance I would give the zombies odds-on here, as they are mobile and plants are not.  Unless we're talking triffids?  In which case all bets are off.

     Before you start to edge away, I should explain that this is a Suggested Post from Facebook.

Oh it's a GAME!

     Frankly, I'd still give the zombies odds-on.  They might be brain-dead murderous rotting meatbags, but at least they don't die off in autumn.

Actually - 

In my minor opus "Revelations", about the Zombie Apocalypse, autumn and winter do affect the revenants.  They get increasingly sluggish as temperatures drop.  This enables the Norwegians to go out on skis and bash in so many zombie skulls that they become revenant-free by Year Three.

Sez it all.

* Apart from the whole Taking-Over-The-World thing

** "Didn't bother" - Translation from Poseur courtesy Mister Hand