B.E.R.L.I.N.

Beery Evening Reading Late Into Night
Oh, I'm sorry, you were expecting the German capital city?  If you were then you must be new round here, as regular readers know Conrad to be an unreliable witness at best, positively treacherous at worst.  Also, I'm giving you just cause to gasp in awe at how clever I am, or roll your eyes in mute disgust at how I stoop to trivialise Unter Den Linden for traffic.
     We'll get to the beer later, don't worry.  First of all, the "reading" bit of the above.
     If Laura Dachroui is reading this, she can come out of hiding. 
     "But why would she be hiding, Conrad?" I hear you say.  "Surely with your generous wholesome heart you will have forgiven the young lady whate'er she might have done or undone?"
     Hmmm, you know, I like this flattering approach.  Keep it up.  It doesn't work, but, still, keep it up.
     Well, I lent Laura a couple of recent Thomas Pynchon novels, "Bleeding Edge" and "Inherent Vice", and she then left the business whilst I was away.  No books returned <sad face> and I've only read them once each <sad face transitions into angry face> so was faced with re-ordering from Abebooks <angry face explodes>.
     To break up all this text, I'm going to add a picture:

<angry face reassembles into happy face>

     I found them.  Quite by coincidence as I wasn't looking.  In fact I was on my way back from the Mail Room, travelling through an unfamiliar part of the floor when I espied a couple of books on top of the lockers.  Given that they were pushed back from the edge of a seven-foot tall locker, only someone of your gifted author's height would have seen them, and only someone of your talented typist's nosiness would have stopped to look at them.
     Right, that's Thomas Pynchon and coincidence in one neat and tidy package.  Let the motley begin!

The Travails Of Time
Hey, that sounds like a good title for a Mark Gatiss-penned episode of Doctor Who*!  Having written it first, I have copyright, okay Mark?
     In fact this has nothing to do with our favourite Gallifreyan and rather more about Conrad's day not beginning well.  I forgot to turn my alarm clock on and instead of arising at 6 a.m. found myself being awoken by the Mansion staff moving around, at 6:50 a.m.
     O noes!  Hasty shave and shower.  Take car!  Car gone.  Take bus!  Only just, the 24 came a couple of minutes early and only an undignified dash enabled your humble scribe to catch it.  There will be an ironic counterpart to this later on.

"Ironic counterpart" is dull.  Here's a weird fish instead

     Plus, I had shod myself with my slip-on trainers which take mere seconds to do, as opposed by lace-up shoes, which would have taken long enough to miss the bus.  Trouble is, "slip-on" is also a description of their function in wet weather as they have 0 % traction on wet flagstones, meaning I had to mince carefully - and slowly - to the bus stop after work.

"Person Of Interest"
Nearing the end of Series Three of this programme and things are hotting-up.  Not only do we have The Machine, we also have it's untrammelled rival Samaritan.  The villain of the moment - actually of several episodes - is Greer.  

The Greer leer here
(Probably just burnt down an orphanage)

Obviously, since this is a South Canadian telvision drama, he is played by an English character actor.  Conrad, who is as English as toasted crumpets and loose-leaf Darjeeling tea, forestalled Greer pronouncing one of his sinister sentences.  "Finesse!" I shouted, seconds before Greer himself.
     Conrad - mirroring the thought processes of the evil and corrupt.  
     It's a gift.

How To Add 157 And Make A Bus Vanish
As you probably know by now, Conrad and First Bus have a prickly and aggressive relationship, caused by them being run by a bunch of knuckle-dragging proto-human rejects from the Fail bin of evolution.
     Not to rush to judgement, but they were at it again tonight.  Conrad got to the bus stop only just ahead of the 24 - only to see an inspector wave it past.
    "It's going around and coming back," he lied.  

First Bus Inspector Role Model

Yes, it went around, and - you'll never guess what! - it was now the 181.  Which is a whole lot less convenient for your modest artisan, and also adds twenty minutes to the journey.
     Conrad can hear the First Bus HQ staff, chortling as they watch the seething mob of passengers storming their bus - or the substitute for same.
     "That'll teach them not to have chauffeur-driven cars and helicopters and personal jet packs like us!"
     You just wait, First.  One day you're going to get yours.  One day.

The Beer
As First make the 24 disappear, I am going to make this vanish:

     This particular conjuring trick is one I'm going to enjoy.



*  I'm not going to add quotes to this, it's the most famous television series in the world ever and you ought to know exactly what I'm talking about.