As you surely know by now, Mister Spock's Vulcan ancestry renders him far stronger than a mere Hom. Sap*. Normally this isn't an issue as his emotional restraint is also far stronger than a human's, so he doesn't get drunk and smash up bars, cars and tars**.
However, and a "however" in flourescent green flashing neon lights ten feet tall, this emotional restraint goes by the board during Amok Time, when old Spock gets to wage battle for the honour of holding a lady's hand.
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| Not quite what I meant, Art. Besides, he seems about to hammer, not hold |
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| Yeah!! More like it. And deadly to clocks. |
Meanwhile, In Strategic Rocket Forces Base Number Sixteen, Novy Palatinsk -
The Colonel in charge of the 137th Regiment that mans Base Number Sixteen is, to be frank, a bit of an idiot. He is firmly convinced that his missiles just have to be bright and shiny and highly polished and WILL NOT accept that having them so is a gift to the American spy satellites when they cruise overhead.
Fortunately, the Colonel's Adjutant, Major Lermontov, is clever enough for both of them. He has, in fact, a punishment detail that consists of running around after the Colonel has inspected his bright shiny missiles and putting a camouflage cover on them until the next day.
And who's on the punishment detail today? Why, our favourite officers Misha and Grisha, who are on the Major's sh1t list for getting drunk -
| "A little more to the left. A bit more. Now, add some jasmine flowers -" "Misha, have you been reading that bloody Feng Shui again?" |
- on Jack Daniels, which he feels is bordering on treason.
As I said, the Colonel will never trouble the lists of MENSA, yet he had an idea that something odd was going on and subsequently visited his missiles twenty times.
Misha and Grisha - last seen in the infirmary unable to lift their arms at all.
What Is It With The Metro And Hairstyles!
I really do not think that a photograph of Kate Lichen or whoever with her hair up, and then her hair down, counts as news. If you disagree THE EXIT IS THAT WAY!
No sooner have I posted a citric screed about Kate Algae than the Chip Shop Wrapper comes out with this -
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| See? See what mean? |
And who is this Kate person, anyway?
You What?
I'm glad that Tomorrow's Papier Mache had this advert in, I'd seen it at a bus stop and been baffled, but it's simply not available online.
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| A dose of concentrated STUPID! |
It makes me angry! Very angry! I'm going to go out and stop someone's clock!
Whilst I'm Ranting -
Just to be efficient about it, you know. Today I had a load of date-expired sushi, which is good as I like sushi. However, let me reveal one tiny little thing that makes me grind my teeth and reach for the
The end of the prawn's tail. Do I ever eat this? NO! Do I know anyone who does? NO! Do you know anyone who does? NO! It makes me very cross^!
One For The Desperate Amongst You
It goes without saying that Conrad drinks a lot of pop, although I have cut back at work. Anyway, for the first time in forever I bought a bottle of Morrison's Bitter Shandy, and got round to reading the ingredients list***.
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| That's the important bit - "0.5%" |
A word of caution before you venture off to fill trollies with bottles of bitter shandy. A normal pint of beer comes in at 3.5%, so to get the equivalent effect you'd need to drink 7 pints of shandy - one and three-quarter bottles. Yes it would only cost a pound, but you'd be off to the toilet every ten minutes. If you take a pint of white cider, at 7.5%, then you'd need to drink 15 pints, or nearly four bottles. For a bottle of wine you're talking about 25 pints.
Remember, you can poison yourself with bananas, but only if you eat 400 of them. I'm not sure what the LD50 for bitter shandy is, but I don't recommend it as a cheap alternative to normal beers.
As Seen On The Craft Channel
"Proggy Rug Making"
I don't think Simian Mobile Disco are really appropriate for this. Porcupine Tree would be much better!
Snozzcumber, Thy Name Is Beetroot Burger
I don't know if you've seen "The BFG", the animated film of Roald Dahl's book, but it is well worth seeing, even if having HM The Queen farting madly is bordering on treachery. And it's quite dark in places - it would be, with Dahl the author.
The BFG himself is an exception to the other giants, being a vegetarian. He lives on "snozzcumbers", which are about ten feet long striped black and white and warty. When asked what they taste like, he informs us "disgustrous".
"Get on with it, Conrad, I have a life to lead," I hear you cry.
Patience, patience.
I can tell you I know from bitter, beety experience what snozzcumbers taste like -
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| Like these horrid little things! |
* Humans. You lot ("Homo Sapiens")
** Sailors.
*** I wouldn't be me if I didn't, now would I?
^ But not enough to run amok.
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