No! This Is Not About That Film
Who was the male lead? Was it Tom Hanks or Billy Crystal? I forget, and since I'm on a tight schedule I'm not going to - O very well. Art!
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| So it was Bill. |
One supposes if it had been Tom Hanks then it would be titled "When Harry Met Sully" - Art!
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| Ha. I slay me. |
No, I mean "Harry" as in <opens Collins Concise> "To harass, to worry, to ravage a town esp. in war" From the Old English "Hergian", itself derived from the Old Norse "Herja", meaning to lay waste.
ANYWAY this is a tale from Youtube Reddit tales that is so bonkers I laughed out loud at it. The story centres around a "Play Station 5", whatever one of those is - hang on, let me cattle-prod Art into sentience -
Aha. I see. One of the Devil's Digital Devices, in this case for playing computer games. Conrad will never, ever buy one of these as computer games are the biggest consumer of your personal time, even worse than Quora. Okay, Original Poster had just purchased a PS5, in fact the last PS5 in the "Bullseye" mall store he was frequenting*. He had just completed paying for it and gotten his receipt when 'Susan' (because she was more than a Karen) approached and sweetly offered to buy it for twice what he'd paid. OP thought about it for a second but decided no, because he's been hunting for one of these machines for a geological era.
At this, Susan's mask slips and she starts shrieking that she NEEDS that PS5 and no matter what the sales assistant says SHE IS GOING TO HAVE IT! OP slips away as she is spraying spittle and profanities at the unfortunate behind the counter. He gets into his car and drives off, believing things are over.
O they are so very NOT over! Art?
After a couple of minutes OP hears prolonged honking, and sees the above tailgating and overtaking and swerving from lane to lane. Yes, Susan was in hot pursuit. She continues this for ten minutes until a police car shows up - And pulls over OP. Susan pulls up behind the police cruiser. It seems OP has been reported as Driving Under the Influence - being drunk, as we say here in the Pond Of Eden. Since this is manifestly untrue, OP is free to go.
Of course Susan cannot let this opportunity go. She insists the officer arrest OP "Because he stole my PS5".
You can see where this is going, can't you?
Susan insists OP stole the PS5 and the receipt from her in the car park. However, OP knew that the last four numbers of the card he used would be on the receipt, whilst Susan insists that it'll be her details. WRONG. The police officer looks at the receipt, bank card and driver's licence and politely hands them back to OP. Susan, whom at this point seems to be operating on Pure Rage, orders the police officer to arrest OP for drink-driving, and admits it was she who made the call about it.
Ooops. Art!
She is immediately cuffed and stuffed, into the back of the police car for: making a false report, misuse of 911, stalking and harassment. She spent the weekend in jail, had her car towed, was given two years probation and banned from Bullseye. All that over a £400 computer console. I bet she paid that much to get her car back.
You Can't Fix Stupid
Another example of why the Darwin Awards are so very, very relevant. Art!
Meet an inflatable kayak. These things are dangerous thanks to their inherent instability and people have drowned in them. An experienced canoeist will have undergone training in how to recover from a roll in one of these but they are still at risk. Note the lady above is fully-clothed and has a lifejacket. Now meet our DA contender. Art!
This is the Colbart Nord buoy, which sits in the middle of the English Channel. A Dutch fishing vessel happened to be passing by when their captain noticed a man clinging to the buoy. Utterly gobsmacked ("Stomverbaasd" in Dutch), they threw him a life-belt and got him aboard. Art!
Yes, you guessed it, he'd been at sea in his inflatable kayak when it capsized, leaving him clad in nothing but a pair of swimming trunks. He was thus stricken with hypothermia and bruises, having survived on mussels, seaweed and small crabs since he'd been there for at least two days.
You can't fix stupid but you can at least hope it doesn't procreate.
"The Sea Of Sand"
And here we are again, in complete contrast to the watery item above. As you should surely recall, the Doctor is being paraded in front of a trio of bio-vore aristocrats.
"I apologise that you need to suffer this alien's insolence. It will not last long."
Nastily ambiguous! Not until I've given up what scientific knowledge I have! and that won't happen even if I have to die first, the Doctor angrily told himself, as well as exulting about what he'd found.
Left in isolation, Sorbusa sipped a bottle of water and analysed his situation.
Not rosy. He was deemed a heretic, for reasons that completely escaped him at present. Imprisoned, in one of the cells of an aristocrat who would doubtless Eviscerate him at the first chance.
Might was not right? He may have scoffed at that new, amended phrase twelve hours ago, when he firmly believed that might was as right as right got. Sitting here in a cell, waiting to die, rather altered one's perspective.
Detachment Leader Sorbusa of yesterday, who boldly ordered the harvesting of local biomass resources, who Eviscerated minions deemed a threat, seemed to be another being altogether. The dispossessed Sorbusa of today, experiencing what the Longer Names must endure daily - well, he wasn't the self-assured arrogant monster of yesterday.
What alternative existed to turning another world into a surrogate Homeworld, full of barren deserts and salt-flat wastes?
Hmmmm I do believe the Doctor's influence as a role-model is coming into play. Trust him!
More About Empty Places
Ha - leading on from Sorbusa's musings, here's another entry from the BBC competition for photographs of same. Art!
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| Courtesy "Salar De Uyuni" |
There were a few boring ones before this so I skipped ahead. This is a crossroads - you can only just make them out - in Bolivia, and it is the poster child for 'Bleak and empty'. Conrad is unsure about the tyre; it may have been left there, or the photographer added it in for a better contrast.
There seems to be a misunderstanding about the credit given, because Salar De Uyuni is in fact the name of this location. Art!
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| A real-life salt-flat waste |
A Fist Of First
Yesterday, it seems that Ukraine carried out a novelty in marine warfare: an attack by marine-drones on Ruffian warships at Sevastopol. This has never been done before; various nations use marine drones to spy on enemy naval activity, and a couple of Ruffian ones have been discovered on the beaches of This Sceptred Isle. Art!
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| A couple million quid down the drain |
The Ruffians found a mysterious marine drone on the shores of Crimea a few weeks ago, before towing it out to sea and blowing it up. Of course - obviously! - it was Ukrainian but they admitted nothing. Art!
So, equally obviously, the Ruffians blamed the Ukes for this drone attack, and also accused Perfidious Albion of being involved, because they hate us far more than even South Canada. We have been around longer than South Canada, after all, and the Ruffians are UTTERLY convinced that the sly, sneaking, treacherous, underhand, conniving British are secretly behind every mischief experienced by Ruffia. Why, if Peter The Average stubs his toe on his dresser, that's because the SAS secretly infiltrated the Kremlin under cover of night to move his furniture around. Expect accusations of suicide British badger-bombs next.
And with that we are every so done!
* He was being coy, the store he alludes to is actually Target
