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Thursday 20 October 2022

If I Were To Say "A War In Crimea"

You Might Jump To The Obvious Conclusion

You would also be WRONG.  EVER SO WRONG!  True, there is conflict going on there contemporaneously (not a word you expected to see today) which we're not going to yark on about.  True, the Teutons and the Sinisters both fought over the peninsula in the Second Unpleasantness, which is not what we're talking about, either.

     No, I'm talking about the event that took place mid-Nineteenth Century, when Perfidious Albion, the M8s, Turkey and Sardinia - don't ask me, I've no idea either - took on the Ruffian Empire on the Peninsula.  Art!


     Despite ending in 1856, it still resonates here in The Allotment Of Eden, which I will explain shortly.

     As background, it began when the Ruffians decided they were going to bully Turkey into giving up territory (hmmmm sounds familiar) and attacked the Turkish fleet in harbour.  This brought France and Britain in on the side of Turkey in 1854 and they mounted an amphibious landing on the Crimean coast.  The Ruffians lost several battles whilst their fortress port of Sevastopol lay under siege for a year.  After the M8s stormed Sevastopol the Ruffians withdrew, at which point the Austrians began making noises about joining in on the Turkish side.  This was an empire too much for the Ruffians and they sued for peace.  Art!

Sevastopol under siege

     The principal reason it's still remembered in This Sceptred Isle is because of a poem "The Charge Of The Light Brigade" by Alfred Tennyson, which bores schoolchildren to this day.  You know, the one that goes "Half a league, half a league, Half a league onward, Into the valley of death rode the six hundred".  Typically British - celebrating a colossal blunder.  The Light Brigade were a cavalry unit who were ordered to attack a Ruffian artillery position that was being evacuated, except the orders issued were too vague and the idiot Lord Cardigan in charge of them didn't bother to clarify anything.  Thus they attacked a different Ruffian artillery position where they were fired upon from three sides and lost half their number.  Art!

"Ooops"

     There's another reminder - Lord Cardigan.  Your Humble Scribe is currently wearing a cardigan (because autumn has arrived), which was named after Fathead.  Or James Brudenell, 7th Earl of Cardigan if you're feeling formal.  This is a type of sweater that is fastened at the front by either a zip or buttons.  Conrad cares not one iota if they're fashionable or not; they are warm, which is what matters.  Art!

Conrad in sweater, Twinkie-wrestling

     Another example of Crimean-inspired fashion is the 'Balaclava helmet', usually abbreviated to "Balaclava", which has no armour component despite it's title.  Art!


     The item was knitted at home by little old ladies, to be sent to the squaddies who were freezing their bottoms off on the Crimean peninsula, and were named after another battle that the Ruffians lost.  Sorry, "Regrouped as a goodwill gesture".

     There is also a saying, "The thin red line", which refers to another action at Balaclava where the Ruffians "Tactically advanced to the rear".  Their cavalry were charging at the Highland 93rd Regiment of Foot, to take them in front and flank.  The 93rds OC rode down the line stating that there was no retreat and that they had to die where they stood if need be (this is sound sense; if they'd tried retreating the Ruffian cavalry would have chopped them into dogfood).  Rather remarkably the 93rd prevailed, shooting the Ruffian cavalry flat.  Art!

Devils in skirts

     They were poetically described as "A thin red streak with topped with a line of steel" which transmuted over time into "A thin red line".  Art!

Excellent band

     I think that's quite enough about A War In Crimea for today.


More Sci-Fi Ships Reviewed

Once again we revisit Mike Siegel's viewer-suggested list of ships and how he classifies them, with the proviso that if it's cool enough, it gets a pass.

     First up is the "Agamemnon" from the inestimable "Babylon 5".  Art!


     This is a combination of warship and carrier, as it packs a section of smaller fighter craft that can transit an atmosphere.  The Aga itself is designed to operate solely in space; witness the complete lack of streamlining.  Art!


     You can judge the scale of this beast by the fact that those smaller vessels are one-man fighters.  Note also the rotating central hub, which simulates gravity.  Again, totally impractical for atmosphere work.  Definitely earns the Enjoy The Ride category.

     However - the 'Bablyon 5' production team stole this design, gasp yes! because Dr. S. has up next the "Leonov" from "2010".  Art!


     You can see the 'Agamamnon's DNA right there.  This is the Sinister equivalent of the South Canadian's 'Discovery' and one can conjecture that this thing works because it was constructed in a Ukrainian shipyard.  What Dr. S. also likes is how it uses Jupiter's outer atmosphere to brake, after deploying a big balloon as protection.  Art!

Glowing dot = Leonov

     Unsurprisingly this one gets an Enjoy The Ride nomination.


"The Sea Of Sand"

When last we left, the Doctor had been interrogated by Lord Excellency Sur and then returned to his cell.

His Excellency Lord Sur examined the recordings made of the alien prisoner, Thedoctor, in conversation with the heretic throwback Sorbusa.  Sur had to admit that the alien had a quick mind and prodigious scientific knowledge.

     There were questions raised that Sur wanted answers to.  What were "rockets"?  The Doctor also mentioned conflict raging near the Infiltration Complex involving "aircraft".  Not only that, there were "Fossil fuels" located in that region, which powered vehicles.  Powered how?  Could a bio-vore subsist on fossil fuel?  Sur wanted to know.

     First, he put out a summons for the Administrative Auditor.  Let that idle rascal earn the energy he leeched off bottled algae daily!

     When the auditor came pattering into the antechamber, Sur indicated the display panels on the walls above his podium.

     "Oh!  Thirteen prisoners," exclaimed the Auditor.  Three was the norm.  Never more than six.

     "Auditor Montrudo," hissed Sur, leaning forward.  "These prisoners are heretical throwbacks from the past.  I want to know if it is legal and permissible to Eviscerate them."

     The Auditor went scuttling back to his scroll-filled room, ready to provide a precedent and a "Yes" for the Lord.

     "Meantime," ordered Sur, "Bring the alien to me."

     That Auditor knows which side his bread's buttered on.


Sell By Date - A Challenge Not A Warning!

This is Conrad's typical take on food he finds at the back of the cupboard.  I did mention making Kimchi and using a bottle of Fish Sauce that was a little past it's sell-by-date.  Let me provide proof.  Art!


     Admittedly, nine and a half years is a little excessive, so I got a new bottle of Fish Sauce last night.  Why, I even binned that last bit of rice that had sat in the jar for a couple of years!


Let's Have A Quora Question

Here's one that is quite short but has a much longer answer.

How can you tell if someone is an ex-SAS soldier?

The short response is that you can't.  They will not identify themselves as anything except "I was in the Army" or their original regiment.  Giving their old status away puts them, their family, friends and colleagues at risk.  If they have known you for years and know you can be trusted with a secret, they may tell you with a stern warning not to ever mention it to anyone, but they probably won't risk it.

     On the other hand, you will find a lot of blowhards who insist that they were in The Regiment - and then claim everything they did was too secret to tell you and the rest of the pub.  Art!

I can guarantee these chaps are all ex-SAS by now







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