O Delicious Schadenfreude!

Yes, Conrad Is A Terrible Person

But we knew that already.  For those unaware, "Schadenfreude" is Teuton for 'A malicious enjoyment of other people's misery', and not only is it delicious, it's also calorie-free, as I consistently point out.

     Before we get onto that, I want to put up a couple of photographs taken by ex-colleague Justin.  In the workplace he knew everything and could do anything, and in his free time he liked to run up and down hills and mountains.  Horses for courses, Conrad would deem that a cruel and un-natural punishment.  He also has a fine eye for a photograph, making grimy grey Manchester look cool and unusual.  He put up a bunch of photos yesteryon and I really liked two of them, so enquired if BOOJUM! could use them and he agreed.  Art!

     Very evocative, hmmm?  It looks like a set from a Fifties horror film with an Unspeakable Thing hidden in the cellar.

     As Jason explained, this is the rear of the Midland Hotel in Gomorrah-on-the-Irwell.  Art!

     Still picturesque yet nowhere near as sinister.  Art!

     More futuristic, hmmm?  This is a campus building for Manchester Metropolitan University.  Bet it gets used as an exterior shot in a sci-fi film one day.

     ANYWAY let's get back to malicious enjoyment of other people's falling into a sausage-making machine.  Unusually, this one comes from Quora, not Youtube, and was about a South Canadian law firm where one attorney liked to go golfing on Friday afternoons.  However, he always instructed his secretary to lie about where he was and what he was doing.  The whole office knew anyway.  Art!

Vampires in daylight?  Surely not!

     Then, one Friday afternoon, their IT technician came to see this attorney - we'll call him Sigismund, because I like the name - with a stack of CDs that had the complete details of 30 cases the law firm was dealing with.  Could he hand them over to Sigismund? he asked the secretary.  She gave her usual reply, at which point OP starts paying attention, because she said he really was out with a client, and she brings up the name of another law firm.  OP calls them and speaks with one of the partners, who said Siggy was setting himself up as his own law firm as of Monday and had been informing other law firms about this - but had absolutely no intention of informing his actual employers about this.  He had intended to steal those 30 cases to set himself up.

     OP immediately gets the IT chap to block all Siggy's access to the firm's IT, telling his secretary that it's part of a planned maintenance procedure.  The CDs are binned and the IT chap fields increasingly desperate calls from Siggy over the weekend because he can't access anything.

Judge Dread

     Siggy never returned to the office.  When IT chap and OP reviewed the files on his firm-issued laptop, the <insert euphemism for pornography> present guaranteed they would not be hearing from him ever again.

Surely You Jest?

As you should surely know by now, Conrad keeps this blog sincerely SFW, so this next item is going to be a bit tricky.  You see, from the corner of my eye I saw an advert for what was called a 'shower toilet' with a short clip of it in action.  "Gerber Acquaclean" said the end screen.  What on earth is a 'Shower Toilet' and how can it possibly work?

     Had I imagined what I'd seen?  Google aid me.  Art!

Looks innocent enough

     Imagine you are Going About Your Business, when SUDDENLY!  Art!

     This pops out and sprays warm water up your butt.

     Conrad thinks this will be a hard sell in This Sceptred Isle since we never experienced the Continental love of bidets.

     Nice to know that my peripheral vision is as good as ever.

"The Sea Of Sand"

The Doctor had been crawling back to his hide in the collapsed tent when he espied another person with the same idea.

Both reached the tent and the other person entered the hide simultaneously with him.

     "Albert!" hissed the Doctor, not happy to see the young man back at the dig and in danger again.

     "Doctor!" exclaimed Albert, frightened by the Time Lord's sudden appearance.

     "I do hope you have an eminently good reason for returning here, Albert," scolded the Doctor quietly but insistently a few seconds later.

     "I do, I do," insisted Albert.  "The Italians have captured Mersa Martuba, The Professor and I saw the battle.  It didn't last long, there were loads of Italians with armoured cars and machine-guns and flares."

     "Where is the professor?" asked the Doctor, suddenly worried.  He didn't mention the other person whose fate sent a ripple of worry up his spine: Sarah Jane.  She'd been back at the depot, too.

     "Oh, he's alright, he's away back in the desert beyond the campsite tents.  I asked him to drop me off.  We realised if you got out of here then you'd head back to the depot and be captured, maybe even killed, so we needed to come back and warn you."

     The Doctor felt absurdly grateful.  Faced with mortal peril, this young man had chosen to return to the dig, to warn a stranger about what he might walk into.  He briefly explained about damaging the alien's trans-mat device.

     Ah, Hom. Sap at it's finest!

Culture Shock

Of a kind.  As you should surely know, Conrad thinks highly of the author Josephine Tey, so it was quite a catch to find one of her Inspector Grant novels that I hadn't read in a charity shop.  Art!

     One problem of reading murder mysteries like this is that they take place in a long-gone milieu; Dot Sayers is especially prone to this as her stuff was written over ninety-five years ago in a few cases.  "The Singing Sands" dates from 1952, so only seventy years ago.  I shall have to keep my notebook to hand if any baffling words or phrases turn up.  I won't hesitate to keep you informed, as I know you thirst for knowledge of these things.

Vaughn To Lose

I know, I know, it's a terrible title.  Still, whose blog is it?  Exactly.

     You will never have heard of Vaughn Meader.  Let me bring up a picture to help you process this.  Art!

Vaughn Meader                        JFK

     Vaughn began his career as a musician, then recorded an album that spoofed JFK, which sold in incredible numbers.  He went on the road to do his impersonation and had television appearances, too.  Art!

Released in 1962 to enormous success

     You can guess where this is going.  When JFK was assassinated, that was the end of Vaughn's comedy career.  He went back to being a musician and enjoyed a certain degree of success in that.

That Dog Buns! Crossword

Bit of a love-hate relationship with the Lord Peter Wimsey crossword, as it was ridiculously difficult but it generates blog content.  Here's one that I might have gotten eventually: "Blow upon blow; five more the vanquished Roman shows; And if the foot slip one, on crippled feet one goes."

     The solution?  ICTUS.

     Hmmmm this is Latin for HIT and as I say, I might have gotten it from 'Blow' as in the sense of 'Smiting'.  Or perhaps not.  Art!

Close enough

     And with that, Vulnavia, we well and truly resemble a cooked steak.