Today We Begin With A Geography Lesson
I shall endeavour to keep it interesting. I could have used the alternative title "Hoy Hoy Hoy!" because that's the name of an island in the Orkney archipelago, which you may have heard of in connection with The Old Man Of Hoy - which is certainly old but which contains no human element at all. Art!
Ah yes - there is an encounter between a load of nosy humans and a test-target Cyberman, which the Doctor analyses as being wholly robotic - no human element at all. That above is the best I can do.
ANYWAY back to the Orkney Islands. The name has shifted over time, originally being known as the 'Orcades' to various Roman explorers and geographers. Then came the Vikings - which is where today's title is tenuously derived from, as the Vikings came from Norway rather than Sweden. When they arrived they translated the Pictish 'Orc' (meaning 'piglet') as being the equivalent of "Orkn", meaning "Seal" in Norse. This is fair enough as 15% of the world's seal population loiters around the Orkneys. The Norks also added "Eyjar", meaning "Islands" which has been passed down to us as - Orkney. Art!
There are seventy islands overall, of which twenty are occupied. By humans, that is - like I said, these are seal islands. You may also have heard of Scapa Flo, one of the main anchorages for the Royal Navy - Art!
The dive sites will be for the German Navy ships that were scuttled there after they lost the First Unpleasantness, as well as three RN ships sunk by a U-boat at the very start of that conflict. It was the RN's primary harbour up until 1956. Art!
With an area of over 300 square miles it could accommodate several fleets the size of the RN at it's peak.
Also plainly visible is the island of Hoy. Art!
That's the Old Man Of Hoy. Now do you understand my crack about no human content? Of course - obviously! - because it's there some mountaineer just had to climb it, although they were decent enough to wait until 1966 to do so. It was formed after 1750 and before 1819, when the section connecting it to the mainland collapsed. Currently there is a large crack on the south face, which is likely to undercut the upper section, since erosion is an ongoing process. Art!
Here's one I made earlier
If you have rocks for brains I'd recommend you go climb it NOW, before it falls to bits completely.
The climate can be surprisingly mild for an archipelago that is closer to the Arctic Circle than it is to London; it is very windy, though, and there are no trees.
Which brings us to the meat of the matter: Orkney Tea.
I couldn't believe it either, but a lady called Lynne Collinson has established her own micro-plantation of tea plants on the Orkney island Shapinsay. They are in netted enclosures yet still outdoors. Art!
To judge how much goes into a cuppa, her plants yielded 15 pounds of picked leaves, which was reduced to 3 pounds of finished and processed leaves. This harvest has been commercially packaged and retailed as "Norse Noir"; if you want some get online quick smart as she only had enough for 64 bags. Art!
Conrad is guessing this will be VERY expensive stuff. Too obscure and rare to have any entries when Googling.
If you do happen to purchase any, do NOT add any milk or sugar. Conrad knows where you live and there will be awful consequences should you do so. Art!
CAUTION! Do not despoil
<sips his own unsweetened black loose-leaf Darjeeling>
Conrad Is ANGRY!
O so angry! Ever so angry! ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY!
Yes, we are back to Codeword compilers attempting to extend the boundaries of etiquette in compiling clues and solutions.
"PLAZA": O come on - a five-letter word that ends in "A" and uses the least-used letter in the alphabet? How is that fair? Not only that, it's the South Canadians and British Americans who use it, not Perfidious Albion and it's derived from Spanish. Art?
A plaza
"BAZAAR": YOU WHAT! This is the only extant word I know with a double-"A" and you stick it in a Codeword, where a double-vowel can only be either "E" or "O" and it's from the Persian for "market" <hits Remote Nuclear Detonator several times>. Art!
Double-bah
"MAHOGANY": A tree. WHAT, ARE WE ALL ARBORCULTURISTS NOW?
Nor does anyone know where the name comes from. Art!
I Haven't A Clue - Have You?
Technically I do have a clue, and an answer, neither of which make any sense to me, at all. Yes, we are back on Lord Peter Wimsey's blasted crossword, and whilst I can figure out a meaning for most of these, this one is a mystery. The clue itself goes: "One that works for Irish men; Both by word and deed and pen".
Got that?
The solution is "AE".
It doesn't have an entry in my Collins Concise, nor does Google help. Art!
"The Sea Of Sand"
The Doctor is worrying that he might have been a bit too garrulous in speaking to the bio-vore aristo Sur.
"Powered geo-thermally?" asked the Doctor again. "And how long have you possessed this technology?"
For millenia. Long ages before the Infiltration Complexes were despatched.
"The great stone chambers in the desert are where my people lie," intoned Sorbusa, sounding almost religious.
"The great stone chambers" sounded like the vast granite sarcophagi seen from the prison sled, those huge structures in the desert depths.
"Have you any idea why Sur would prevent me from accessing data about Waste - sorry, Homeworld?"
Sorbusa clenched one mighty fist, smacking it against the unyielding surface beneath him.
"May the devil's wind take you, Thedoctor! You never stop asking questions!"
"That's where your civilisation fell into error," remonstrated the Doctor, gently. "You stopped asking questions."
Little else could have perplexed the bio-vore more completely.
"We stopped asking questions? By the cold and the dark, what do you mean!"
It must have been easy, ignoring the rights of other races, other species, other worlds, to exist; to send out the Infiltration Complexes to try to strip life fromother planets.
Get ready for a lecture on morality, ethics and problem-solving.
More Of Those Themed Photographs
The BBC's exhibited photographic winners on "Empty Spaces". There were a couple of boring ones that I've skipped. Art!
Courtesy Susan Cook
No, this is not a person about to be attacked and devoured by looming monsters. That says more about you than you'd like*. No, it's a young lady who was approached by two friendly horses and took advantage of the opportunity. They must have been both friendly and nosy because if they were neither they'd be at the other end of the field.
Finally -
We only need a short article here. How about this? I had a look on Quora and found an intelligent question:
The answer came in four parts: 1) Don't go in classified spaces if you have no reason to be there.
2) Don't go in berthing compartments other than your own.
3) Don't go where you'd cause a safety issue.
4) Stay out of engineering.
Art!
And on a nuclear-powered vessel such as an aircraft-carrier, you very definitely don't get near the reactor unless you are a cleared engineer who needs to be there.
* And not in a good way
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