Conrad is unsure how this happened, only that he sat down, browsed a little on Youtube and Quora and - Hay Pesto! it's 12:15.
ANYWAY today I wanted to exploit the Coincidence Hydra, after firstly donning my armoured underwear - cotton-padded Kevlar for the curious - in order to protect my delicate yet tasty nethers. Art!
Circa 1959. It's a daft yet entertaining comedy with Ol' Pete playing three roles as he liked being a bit of a chameleon.
To prove to you that I'd had this on the intellectual back-burner, I shall upload a photograph as evidence. Art!
There you go, halfway down the page under 22/9/22. Yes yes yes, I could have made it all up were it not for the fact that I am utterly idle.
What's that? What is the film about? O go on. It's about a tiny European country whose entire economy is based on exports of a particular wine. When a cheap South Canadian imitation appears, their economy tanks. Art!
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| Pete as PM |
The obvious solution is, of course, to declare war on South Canada. The war will be over in about five minutes and the excessively generous South Canadians would then be obliged to re-build their economy. So, the Grand Duchy's army - all 20 of them in medieval armour with bows and arrows - sail to South Canada. Art!
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| Pete as Queenie |
Inevitably, the Grand Duchys win the war, after being mistaken for Martians, thanks to getting hold of the "Q-bomb", capable of destroying an entire continent. Ha! Take that, Peter The Average - who needs 'Sarmat' now?
ANYWAY the surrender terms require the South Canadians to pay reparations of ONE MILLION DOLLARS. The SC diplomat doing the bargaining isn't sure they can get away with paying so little and warns that the Grand Duchy might have to make do with ONE BILLION DOLLARS <cue Dr. Evil pinky snigger>. Art!
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| Pete as Tully Also that bloke next to him looks familiar. Who - |
At this point you are probably wondering where the Coincidence Hydra comes in. I haven't properly identified this European micro-nation so - it is formally known as the Grand Duchy Of Fenwick. It was adapted from a novel of the same name by Leonard Wibberly, which was followed by four other 'Mouse' novels.
Bear that in mind. Now, Art?
COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT!
Clearly the universe is trying to tell me something. I wish it would be a little more contemporary and use Twitter to get the message across.
An Interesting Question!
For all the incredibly stupid questions that get asked on Quora, there are occasional ones with a fair bit of heft behind them. Here's one from today:
Why has Putin not targeted Zelensky in his presidential palace? He must know where it is and is clearly capable of destroying it with missile strikes? I'm not suggesting he should, jus curious why he hasn't.
(Typo left in deliberately).
There's a couple of reasons for this. The Presidential Palace in Kyiv was updated back when it was Kiev, under the Sinister Union, which was perpetually fearful about The Evil West slamming nuclear warheads everywhere. Art!
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| The Marinsky Palace photobombed by some bloke |
Thus it has a bunker beneath it, designed to withstand errant nukes, and it's connected with a tunnel system to other bunkers beneath Kyiv. You can bet that PreZ rotates where he works and sleeps on a regular basis.
Second reason:Jan Hus. Jan was a Bohemian cleric and theologist of the fifteenth century, who espoused a version of christianity more akin to later Protestantism than anything contemporary, and who was verrrrry critical of the Catholic church and pope. This did not endear him to either the Catholic clergy or the Pope; they insisted he be present at a Conference to defend himself, under the protection of King Sigismund. Jan, not being daft, realised this was a very dodgy proposition indeed, even with safe conduct, and made out his will. Art!
The King reneged on his protection and the Conference had Jan burnt at the stake.
This was a colossal mistake on their part, because they turned a troublesome cleric into a martyr. He could no longer be threatened, tortured, executed or made to recant, whilst the Czechs of Bohemia were enraged at his death. They fought five crusades to defeat and forced the crown and Catholic church to allow de fact Hussitism to be practiced - for a century.
(See also Steve Biko).
The Ukrainians are a clever lot. They will already have a shadow government that mirrors the active one, and if PreZ does get killed I would expect his lady wife to be ushered in as the New PreZ. Peter The Average, like all dictators, will refuse to have an understudy because they might feel like hastening his 'retirement'. Art!
"The Sea Of Sand"
The Doctor has arrived, precipitately, on the bio-vores home-world, via a matter-transmission gateway.
The Doctor picked himself up, partially winded. A dozen aliens, bowled over by his unexpected arrival, regarded him with undoubted dislike.
"How do you do!" he beamed, reaching for his absent hat to doff it. "I'm the Doctor!"
His first guess, that the angular momentum of his kinetic displacement wouldn't be transmitted, had been proven correct; effectively he'd only fallen twenty feet.
His second guess, that these aliens were completely unfamiliar with the third dimension and airborne travel, also bore fruit; none of them expected him to get to the trans-mat by leaping from the Temple roof.
His third guess, about the test nature of the first transmission, was woefully wrong, and he realised that the instant he cleared the edge of the Temple roof and witnessed at least a dozen aliens standing on the platform.
"Game of skittles?" he asked, getting to his feet. Keep the bio-vores off-balance, unsure and uncertain.
"Seize him!" trumpeted a familar-looking alien. Clad in helmet and numerous artefacts, this bio-vore seemed to be the leader.
"Detachment Leader?" called one of the now-standing aliens. A note of fear and uncertainty in the voice caused the other aliens to ignore their leader and look about.
Hmmm I wonder why that could be?
Lord Peter Wimsey And His Kreplach! Crossword
I solved the Cryptic crossword in the M.E.N. in twenty minutes yesteryon, so it's not ME that's at fault here. Fortunately or otherwise, Conrad lacks a formal education in both Latin and Greek, both of which are required to reach solutions. Here, try this one: "In expectation to be rich; Here you reach the highest pitch (3)"
And the solution is oh-so-obviously "ALT"
No idea what the 'rich' bit is about. There is a musical classification ALTO - could that be what Dot intended? Collins Concise to the rescue! It would seem so - "ALT" is down as an abbreviation for ALTO, ALTITUDE & ALTERNATE. Art!
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| An Alto. Honest. |
Finally -
You're not going to believe this one. As you may be aware, Conrad's mind wonders and wanders in equal amounts, especially when walking the dog - that's my 'Thinking Time' where there are no other distractions around.
Today it was - 'Who invented the chainsaw?"
Two Scottish doctors, all the way back in 1780. Yes, it really is that old. Naturally it was a hand-cranked version, and if Art -
I can hear you now. "Doctors?"
Yes, because this medical tool was designed to make cutting open ladies unable to deliver a baby normally faster and less painful.
That pause was to allow you sufficient Wincing Time.
It was soon noticed that this tool made any kind of medical cutting operation much quicker, which was very welcome for patients pre-anaesthetic. Not until 1918 did the portable powered chainsaw emerge into daylight, as invented by the British American James Shand. Art!
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