When A Kink -

Ain't What You Think

And no, I am not talking about that group from the Sixties, whom I never liked.  Besides, they were plural.

     Because we are back on the meaty and fruitful subject of the founding father of Arthurian legends, Sir Thomas Malory, and his epic "Le Mort D'Arthur".  I hope all you pikers out there appreciate Conrad's going through a 500 year-old book so that you don't have to, because you can quote back some of my research and sound wise and literate.

Sadly no zombies in LMDA

     We are still with Sir Tristram, who attends a big bash King Arthur has at Pentecost, at the castle of Kink Kenadon, supposedly near the Welsh border.  A quick bout of Google-fu does not reveal whether this was ever an actual place; one suspects not.  A bit more research reveals that Sir Tristram claims to hail from "the country of Liones" which is NOT Africa, and in later times would be spelled "Lyonesse".  This is a mythical land that stretched from Cornwall to the Scilly Isles, supposedly swamped overnight and forever lost.  Art!

Lyonesse.  Low cost properties but with extensive damp issues.

     Conrad is pretty sure that the South Canadian trailblazing author and poet Edgar Allan Poe wrote about "Lyonesse", and there is that film with Vincent Price  supposedly set there, under the waves, whose name escapes me, but which we have covered here before.

     Then there's one foe that Sir T overthrew: "The Brown Knight Without Pity".  After 325 pages this is the only example I've read of a knight choosing to name themselves after the colour brown.  One supposes that, even back in the era of knightly chivalry, noble and courtly people were very indisposed to choosing the colour of excrement.  Go read about Mister Brown in "Reservoir Dogs" for a modern take on this.

Mister Brown from "Sykes"

     Hmmmm okay, Art, I liked "Sykes" so no Tazer today.  No, Conrad is not going to explain the reference, at least not today.
     Motley, how's your brain-pan?  Feeling solid?  Okay, put on this helmet and wait until I go get the cavalry sabres.

Vodka!

For yes, we are back with "Ushanka Show" and expatriate Ukrainian Sergei Sputnikoff, and do not mock, as "Sputnik" is Ruffian for "Traveller".  Sergei put some factual backing to the legendary affinity Ruffians have for vodka.  Art?

     That's Sergei in an ushanka hat, with a bottle of "Stolichnaya", one of the three brands of vodka available in the Sinister Union.  One of the others was "Russkaya", and if Art can behove himself ...

     Here you can clearly see the flimsy bottle cap that Eric Newby commented on in "The Big Red Train Ride"; once removed you can't get it back on, and so have to drink the whole bottle*.  This also lead Sergei to talk about the "Vodka Trio", because with bottles of that size, three people could split it enough to get a fair old buzz off it.  If there were only two, they'd get too drunk; more than three and you'd still be sober.

The West quivers in fear

     Sergei then mentioned that, after the Sinister Union went toes-up, you could get bank loans from Western banks, as long as you weren't trying to sell vodka.  Vodka poison unacceptable to evil Western capitalists, or something.  You could, however, get a loan if you were going to make yoghurt.  So enterprising Ruffians would produce 'Russian Yoghurt' in yoghurt pots, sealed with foil, which in reality contained straight vodka.  Art!

     It was quite a winning idea, except it got banned as a method of gaining funding.  It's not clear if these are still around outside Ruffia or not; Conrad may need to do research on this.

"Wandering Ravens"

Another Youtube channel, and one that Conrad has never come across before, which surprises him.  It features Eric and Grace, a South Canadian couple, who appear to reside in This Sceptred Isle, or at least they did last year.  And they posted a video of 101 differences between Perfidious Albion and South Canada, the kind of thing that Your Humble Scribe simply cannot resist listening to, even if it was 30 minutes long.

Not very raven-like.  Although they do wander.

     There were expected mentions for the lack of a light-switch in British bathrooms (water and electricity not being deemed a good combination), that we call the control devices in kitchen and bathroom 'taps', that the current President is not liked at all, and that British people have no idea why South Canadians love love love their guns so much.  Also, no bumper stickers.  None at all.

     They also point out that a house in Perfidious Albion being a hundred years old is not particularly noteworthy, and it's not (The Mansion is over a century old), whereas back in South Canada it would be a protected monument.

     I may come back to this, that's only 6 things so there were still 95 left to cover.

Taps fingers

Bitten By The Coincidence Hydra - AGAIN

Conrad was idly perusing the BBC's website when he spotted a familiar Fylde landmark, that of the white windmill at Lytham Saint Annes.  Art?

     Taken by a Mister James Tierney.  Okay, see that large building in the background?  Back in 1983 that was a bakery (it might still be one) and Your Humble Scribe had a summer job there, variously involving making rolls and buns and bread, or cleaning up the production plant.  One of the customers was Marks and Spencer, who were concerned that their rolls were coming in for sale with too much loose flour on them.  They came and visited, and such clout they had that the next day a large industrial vacuuming unit had been hired, which sucked all the surplus flour away.  Sadly, thanks to age, I cannot remember what the place was called.

It's how I bun

Finally -

Well, I have packed up my English Civil Unpleasantness wargaming figures and scenery, as the tables need moving thanks to new double-glazing due to be installed in my Sekrit Layr.  I have given the Polemos ruleset a good testing over three games, and have decided I quite like it.  However - and no wargamer worth his salt ever ever ever leaves a set of wargame rules untouched - I think I need some campaign rules.  The rules as at present, you see, allow the waging of a single battle.  Conrad would like to replicate a series of battles, taking place over time, which means you have to factor in things like illness, forage, desertion, scouting, powder supplies, weather, the condition of the roads, all sorts of stuff like that.  The game has been out for years, so there may already be a set knocking around somewhere, or - horrors! - I might have to create my own.

Horribly complicated

     And with that, Vulnavia, we are very surely done!

*  I mean, what if it got knocked over and spilt?