The Trumpton Riots

HALF MAN HALF BISCUIT

"But ALL cop!" as the Hollywood headlines would have you believe.  Except not in reality, thanks very much, since Half Man Half Biscuit are a band, not a death-delivering gun-toting cyborg, even if Conrad loves loves loves "Robocop" far beyond what is either normal or tasteful.

Ooops.  The rest of us are in trouble then, aren't we?

     

     Your Humble Scribe, either inspired or propelled by recent events in South Canada - we shall go no further towards Politics nor Current Affairs than that - contemplated an EP that came out many decades ago, titled "The Trumpton Riots" by Half Man Half Bisuit, whom I now abbreviate to HMHB.

     "What's an 'EP'?" I hear you query.  Predictable.

     Okay, to sidetrack somewhat, Back In The Day music was generally released in either single format, wherein a small vinyl disk would contain one song on each side, or as an LP, which stood for 'Long Player' as it could feature up to perhaps 30 minutes of music per side.
     Are we up to speed with these dizzyingly technical details?  O good.  Art!

     Ignore the 78, they went out in the Thirties.  ANYWAY there was also another format known as "Extended Play", which was usually single format with more than two songs present.  Enter HMHB.  Art!

     The in-joke here is that "Trumpton" was a children's television program of the Sixties, which was an innocent and innocuous as sliced white bread; you could define it as utterly unobjectionable*.  The idea of rioting in this insipid televisual pabulum is totally incongruous; as if the Moss Side riots of 1981 could ever come back and <stops and rethinks a bit before changing subject> Art!

The Trumpton Multiverse revealed

     Yes, "Trumpton" was merely one of a series of inter-linked programs which all co-existed in the same time and space, thank you so very much, Doctor.  Decades later Radiohead joined in the malicious fun with "Burn The Witch" which also references these harmless childhood programs, except people get roasted to death like human rotisseries. Art!

Where's Nicholas Cage when you want him?

     Your Humble Scribe is unsure what the outcome of the riots was.  Did a less repressive non-patriarchal regime take over?  Was gerrymandering outlawed?  Did people evolve four fingers on each hand?
     Right, motley, if you've got your gas mask on I shall hit you with mace!

Mace in question

A Lightbulb Moment

It has taken Your Humble Scribe many years to realise a basic, simple, often repeated fact and pair that fact with real life, for which he apologises.  No! I do not mean the revelation that "Doctor Who" is in reality FICTION, in that it never happened in real life, and that my childhood memories of suffering during the Cyberman lockdown of 1969 were in fact me going to sleep.

     No, I mean that there is no letter "H" in the Ruffian language or alphabet.  If the Sinisters, or Ruffians before or after them, had to use a word that required an "H" then they substituted a "G" instead.  A "Gelicopter" might sound off but it still defies gravity.

Photoshopped.

     Then it hit me (I threw it back and carried on).  What do Ruffians shout when going into action?  "OOUURRAAA!" frequently followed by "POBIEDA!", whether it be charging across Nazi minefields and barbed wire into the teeth of machine gun fire, or having a ruck with football hooligans from This Sceptred Isle.
     That's their version of "Hoorah!" because NO LETTER "H".  And "Victory!".

     It does 174 miles per gallon but breaks down every 50.

Meanwhile, Back In Whitehall ...

For those of you not familiar with This Sceptred Isle's political landscape, this area is where civil servants and politicians cluster thicker than lice in the seams of a stinking septic shirt.  In South Canadian parlance, it would be The Swamp.

     But! Do not worry, for we are casting a look backwards to the tune of 106 years ago, rather than today**.  YES! we are back on the subject of the Gallipoli campaign, I knew you cou SIT BACK DOWN! couldn't wait.

Both white and hall-y

     You know that platitude probably invented by Lloyd George: "warfare is too important to be left to generals"?  The counter is not treated with any great regard by politicians viz: "Politics is too important to be left to politicians", especially since political power usually comes with a generous expense account -

     ANYWAY before things had finally kicked off and an armada mobilised to descend upon the Turk, serious analysis had been undertaken in Whitehall about the entire operation, to which exactly nil attention (0%) was paid.  The details are too detailed to go into here, as there are many detailed details, but we may come back to them.  In detail.  Art!

CAUTION!  Not a primitive Dalek

     The first line of the appreciation mentioned mines and mobile Turkish howitzers in the hinterland as the problem, which is absolutely correct <facepalms> if only they had paid attention.   You can lead a horse to water but cannot make it swim.

Thank You, Oscar

Because Your Humble Scribe's mind normally operates in well-defined, well-assayed and well-worn paths, where the intrusion of a strange word, phrase or image is both unusual and unwelcome, anything that disturbs this somnolesence is worthy of question.  So Lo! why on earth "Lagavulin" popped into my mind tonight is a question indeed.  An hasty Google reveals - Art?

     Ah.  Whisky.  One of Conrad's least favourite tipples.  One would be better off sipping a cocktail made of petrol whilst lighting it with a taper every five seconds.

Finally -

Mention of a 'taper' naturally led Conrad, whom has a mind like a drop of mercury on a bed of molten scandium, to the South American beast the 'tapir', which looks like a cross between a pig and a baby elephant, and if Art can - O thanks, Art!

     As you can plainly see, it tapers from the rear to the snout, which is as about as close to a pun as you're going to get today***.

I think with that we are done, and also don't forget - Ambrose Bierce for president!

*  Conrad being Conrad, he feels this definition is a bit of a challenge.  Watch this space.

**  Although one suspects little has changed

***  Arf.