I Am Torn

NO!  I Am Not Setting Myself Up In Impostortude -
 - in seeking to usurp or supplant that fine character actor Rip Torn, whom you might - hang on, was that the name he was born with?  Conrad's Suspicous Gland is deliquescing, always a sure sign that summat's up - let's just check, shall we?  
     Aha!  "Elmore Rual Torn", so no, he wasn't christened "Rip".  Though with a surname like "Torn" what else can you expect?

Very droll on "The Larry Sanders SHow"

     No, what I mean is that I am torn between two different choices.  You see, I do an occasional thing here on BOOJUM! where I take a song lyric and, in my own inimitable way, thoroughly deconstruct, analyse, parse and generally smack it about the chops; in the past I've frequently taken aim at Slimey and Garglefunk (spelling?), to the extent that Pole takes refuge under a table with his Elmo cuddly toy when the title "A Little Musical Critique" comes up.

Frankly, Pole, your cure is worse than my disease

     And today I have two promising lyrics, one a tune from decades ago: "Nude Spoons" by The Associates, which I have on CD somewhere; and a much newer song called "Old Town Road" by Lil Naxos, which I've never heard and, given that much of it's DNA is rap, I'm not going to.  And yes, I can be horrid and hateful about a song I've never heard; once again, whose blog is it?

ALL MINE!

     There really isn't scope for two lots of lyrics, as doing that would consume the whole blog, and I do like a bit of variety*.  So it's either roll a die or cut a pack of cards.  Which I'll do later on, because in the meantime -

"An Englishman At War" By Stanley Christopherson
(James Holland editing)  After 363 pages the end has finally come in Africa and as that immaculate and fearless ex-Guardsman General Alexander put it in a telegram to Winston Churchill "We are masters of the North African shores".  There are another 150 pages to go, which concern D-Day onwards.  Given that the first two parts of this memoir cover three years, you can see why the emphasis, and I thought an anecdote or two over the next few days would be apt.  Art!

Keith Douglas

     That above is the celebrated poet KD, who was in Stan's squadron, and he's being a bit vain by not wearing his glasses, as he had all the visual acuity of a bat without them.  He was also a fair shift at sketching scenes he witnessed, along the lines of Edward Ardizzone if you like.  Art?

     The top sketch illustrates what the soldiers of Perfidious Albion would to up to eight times per day if they had the water - brewing up.  Calling it "tea" was a misnomer, as (in order to hide the taste of chlorination) there would be so much sugar and milk in it that a spoon would stand upright.
     The bottom sketch would be instantly recognisable to a tank man (or a military anorak) as a Crusader III, with the weight around the muzzle meaning it carried the 6 pounder <Mister Hand redacts 5 pages about tanks and anti-tank guns> sabot.
     Anyway, if there was trouble going, Keith would inevitably fall into it.  During the long advance to Tripoli his Crusader broke down whilst separated from the rest of the squadron, so he went off on his own to see if he could find any help.
     What he found was an Italian musical company, who not only willingly surrendered to him, but entertained Keith and his tank crew with songs whilst waiting for the LAD to turn up.  They were so friendly they helped the LAD fitters fix the broken-down Crusader, before heading back to the Nile Delta as very happy prisoners.

As happy as these chaps, even

Right, I rolled a 4, thus it's "Old Town Road"

A Little Musical Critique
This, I have to say, is a blatant attempt to court a contemporary audience, since this song - "Old Town Road"  was a hit last year, and our analyses have rarely been earlier than the Eighties.  So - let us set to on Little Naxos' hit <rubs hands>.

Yeah, I'm gonna take my horse to the old town road

Before you do so, have you enquired about the legality of this, Mister Naxos  For we do not seek trouble with the po-po?

I'm gonna ride 'til I can't no more

DOUBLE-NEGATIVE ALERT!

I'm gonna take my horse to the old town road

Again?  Or - are you riding it back the way you came?

I'm gonna ride 'til I can't no more (Kio, Kio)

DOUBLE-NEGATIVE ALERT!  Also, you do not explain who or what or where "Kio" is**.

              
                                                          Kio     Kio!

I got the horses in the back

The back of what?  Is that horse transportation vehicle certificated for the carriage of multiple horses?  Also, you're obfuscating the facts, since I thought you were already in the saddle.  Or did I miss a verse?

Horse tack is attached

Colour me not an expert, but this sounds like the first comprehensible and sensible thing you've done today.  Well done Naxos, you can do it if you try! 

Hat is matte black

 Hopefully also rated as per BSI398745

Or BSI398746 at a pinch

Got the boots that's black to match

INCORRECT TENSE ALERT!

Ridin' on a horse, ha

Well you wouldn't get behind and push it, would you!

You can whip your Porsche

 - but this will severely depreciate the resale value.

Sic

I been in the valley

So have I - lovely and picturesque, wasn't it though?

You ain't been up off that porch, now

Now, now, Nax - we may observe, but we do not judge.

<flexes fingers> you know, I feel soooooooo much better after that.  Lil Naxos - probably not so much.  We shall follow this up tomorrow!

An old, town road 

Finally -
Bless my horrid little heart!  The BBC decided to put up a "Have Your Say" about a ballfooter called Rayne Wooney - and no, the girls don't think he's swoony - and predictably, because there haven't been ANY HYS of late, they got nearly a thousand comments straight away.  Some people praised him, a lot of them considered him pretty Meh, some alluded to unsavoury aspects of his performances outside ballfoot stadia (we won't go into those) and there were lots of mocking jeers.
     It did me good to wallow in some venomous invective!

They all slander Shrek, too.  Not quite sure how this works.

     And with that, we are most definitely done!


*  What you like is irrelevant.  Because, once again, whose blog is it?
**  Confusingly, it is a data system library and an acronym of "KED Input/Output".  Just so we're clear.