And The Moral Malingering Of A Man
Called Roo
You may not
believe that as a heading, yet it is surely most true. After all, can you not rely on BOOJUM! as a
source of indisputable truth?* However,
that’s not what I want to begin today’s article with, as we (typically!) skip
from one item to another with all the tenacity of a weathervane.
The Metro.
The free paper, not the Paris underground system. Just so we’re clear. The Paris underground is a splendidly stylish
and yet sternly functional artefact, whereas with the paper you get exactly
what you pay for. A rag.
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| Stylish yet functional |
A sterling example of the gutter – or, if
you have a very long memory, the yellow – press. Look no further than yesterday’s cover story,
about “Roo”, which refers not to that cuddly friend of Pooh Bear, beloved and
known the world over (we’ll come back to that) but rather to an obscure
ballfoot player, who seems to need the publicity associated with Winnie. “Roo”, it seems, has been caught with his
hand in the cookie jar. “£70 Million
showdown” blares the Metro headline, alledegly.
They then sleaze their way through the article using that tabloid
standby, “is said to”, as well as “a friend” – no names used for whoever said
what, not whom this ‘friend’ is. They
also shamelessly steal from the Sunday Mirror and the Sun on Sunday (hardly
high on the scale of journalistic integrity themselves).
Oh, that £70 million headline? Based on an “estimate” – again unsourced –
that if this unhappy couple were to divorce – again entirely guesswork – then
Kanga’s wife gets half of his collection of pounds.
A rag, as I said. If it didn’t have a Cryptic Crossword …
 |
| A rag |
“The Man From UNCLE” And Possibility
Note, if you
will, that TMFU is set in the year 1963 anno domini, which is the year after
the Cuban Missile Crisis. This, I’m sure
you recall, is when both sides stared into the abyss, found it to be waaaay too
scary and drew back. El Castro then
loudly demanded his own set of nukes to play with, to be delivered by the
Sinisters, who loudly and emphatically declared NO. Thus, neither side wanted the risk of what is
termed “vertical proliferation”, or extra members of the nuclear club to you
and I with our plain non-euphemistic English.
 |
| Worryingly close to the truth |
So, the idea of the South Canadians and
Sinisters joining forces, even if it be the height (or depth?) of the Cold War,
is not an impossibility.
I’m not sure either would be happy with a
Brit running the show, but he does lend them a certain air of sophistication.
Sorry, Frankfurt!
Ah yes. 65,000 people in this German city are being
temporarily relocated as EOD people deal with an unexploded “cookie”, as
dropped by Perfidious Albion’s brylcreem boys during the Second
Unpleasantness.
 |
| Caution! Not edible! |
The thing about sleeping giants like this
is that the explosives contained within can degrade over time, especially such
an extended period. Normally you would
have to hit even a 4,000 lb** cookie with a wrecking ball to detonate it. The decay products, however, can be wildly
unstable, liable to detonate if sneezed upon or looked at harshly.
Frankfurt is actually getting off lightly,
if you can believe that. The brylcreem
boys, when feeling particularly malignant, used to bolt 3 of these inedible
cookies together, to make a monster that came in at 5 ½ tons.
Damn You, Coincidence Hydra!
Blimey,
Conrad’s tender behind must be ever so toothsome, as the Coincidence Hydra is
right there, teeth firmly fastened. No
sooner do I invoke the spirit of AA Milne and Winnie The Pooh than up he pops
on the Beeb’s website in an illustration of author Milne and artist Shepard at
work, collaborating.
But stay!
For there is more.
It transpires that the Series Of
Interesting Events taking place in the Far East have relevance. For the Chinese residents of the Populous
Dictatorship, sly dogs that they are, call their glorious (and plump) leader
Xin Jinping “Winnie The Pooh”. Consequently, if you try and search for WTP
within the confines of the Populous Dictatorship, you get a technical error
(and probably a visit from the Internet Police).
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| Winnie? |
THEN, as if this were not enough, along
comes the latest edition of ‘Empire’ and alongside articles about Bruce Campbell,
Full Metal Jacket and Kim Newman’s Video Dungeon, what else do we have?
Yes, pass Go, collect £350 (inflation) and
put out the flagons – Winnie The Pooh.
Again.
Really, the Universe is trying to tell me
something. Dear Universe, couldn’t you
just use a postcard?
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| - and Piglet! |
* No <the
bitter truth courtesy Mister Hand>
** None of
those horrid metric measurements here!
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