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Saturday 2 September 2017

National Velvetea

A Bit Before Your Time
I think it stars a young Elizabeth Taylor.
As I sit here with my cup of coffee – instant coffee at that – if you could see me then you’d probably crinkle your brow a tad.  Feel free to crinkle even if you can’t see me – I’ve painted sufficient of a word picture to make you feel as if you’re sitting alongside your humble scribe.
     Yes, coffee – instant – I can leave this bit out from now on, alright? – because it takes toooo long and creates too much mess if I were to brew a pot of loose leaf, and there’s no electric hob to heat up my Italian cafetiere.
     Anyway, that’s nothing to do with what I wanted to bang on to begin with, which was – the Coincidence Hydra fastening it’s teeth in my tender nethers.  Again!  This hasn’t happened for a while, so I was getting a bit hopeful.  But no!  For Conrad’s behind is a piquant and tasty morsel.
Image result for the hydra
The Coincidence Hydra
(What?  You expected a pic of Conrad's buns?)
     You see, I happened to take note of that character Polonius, who is from Shakespeare’s “Hamlet”.  We’ll get to that in a little while.  Ol’ Pol, by all accounts, is a thorough rascal, a knavish churl – or would that be a churlish knave? – and is quite the rotter.
     Here an aside.  The name “Polonius” means “Of Poland” and, were I to hail from that region, I’d be pretty offended at Windbag Willy’s characterisation.  The Poles, frankly, are not people you want to offend.
Image result for angry poles
The Poles hate Shakespeare, too!
     Back on track.  There I was, reading “Have Spacesuit Will Travel” and guess who crops up in the text?  None but Polonius.
     I wish the universe would stop trying to hint darkly at whatever’s going on and just tell me via Facebook.
     Now that’s out of the way, let the gaily-apparelled motley begin it’s drunken stagger!


Shakespoke
Back to Ol’ Pol.  Do you see a pattern developing here?  He it was, via the Barf of Avon, who wittered on wisely in “Hamlet”, who was Danish.  And who ends up dead.  And all his family with him.  Way to go, Will, you’re really racking up points on the Continent.  So –

“To thine own self be true.”
Because deceiving is bad for you.
Lying to people is a curse,
Lying to yourself is much worse.

     Actually I’m not too sure about that, I lie to myself all the time and I’m fine**.
Image result for polonium
Close enough

Apropos Of Nothing
In fact it is of something, I just wanted to use “apropos” in a sentence.  It’s French, you know.
     You may have noticed that my Header for BOOJUM! has changed, and now sports a rather evocative painting – hang on, who is it by? <goes to check> British artist John Harris.  It illustrates the Okie city of New York New York, encountering a vessel in deep space.
Image result for john harris artist
Some of John's other work.
     The author James Blish describes the city’s bruising encounter with the Hruntan Empire’s ‘Duchy of Gort’.  The protagonist, Mayor John Amalfi, is grateful that the city’s armoury hadn’t been updated recently, as there is apparently a piece of 40th Century kit called a “Canceller” that the Hruntans might have been able to engineer.
     “What?  That doesn’t sound either sinister or impressive, Conrad,” I hear you say.  “Does it get rid of overdraft charges or pencil entries on the crossword?”
     No, it cancels suns
     “Oh.”
     Oh indeed.

A Lesson From History
Pay attention at the back, there.  As you ought to know by now, Conrad is an Olympic-level bore on military history.  WAKE UP!
     We shall now travel back in time 99.5 years, to the last big German offensive of 1918, known as the “Kaiserschlacht” or Kaiser’s Battle.  It was mounted in March of that year, and was the last gasp desperate gamble of the Teuton’s generals.  They had to win, win big and win right away, or they’d lose, as the South Canadians were pouring into France at an alarming rate.  The Teuton high command had sneeringly dismissed the South Canadians as being unable to bring an army to the table before 1919, so the hundreds of thousands arriving fresh and eager in early 1918 – a year early! – put the wind up the Kaiser and co.
Image result for american doughboy ww1
Though not, obviously, from the Teuton point of view
     The German army, on borderline starvation rations, short of everything, with what they had frequently ersatz, aware that their home front was equally starving, had been told that things were even worse on the Allied side. This was due to the result of the U-boat blockade – they were told.
     O dearie me!  What happened when the Allied line was pushed way back by the offensive?  Why, the Teutons in the ranks found literal mountains of food and provisions piled up in wild abundance in huge dumps. 
     They had been lied to.  Consistently and at length.  Consequently they were not happy – that U-boat blockade was a mirage.  The Allies weren’t starving at all.  Morale took a big knock, and this helped to diminish their performance.
Image result for allied supply dump world war 1
Allied supply dump
     Nor was that all.  The ever-hungry stubble-hoppers stopped to plunder said supply dumps, which again upset the attack timetable.  They gorged themselves into a stupor with the food (much like Conrad on a cruise ship) and drank themselves into paralysis with looted alcohol (much like Conrad on a cruise ship).  Again, this upset performance and timetable; there are accounts of whole German units being wiped out as they advanced, drunk out of their skulls.
Image result for drunken german soldier ww1
Probably dreaming of sauerkraut and weiner schnitzel
     “Illuminating and educational, Conrad,” I hear you humbly acknowledge.  “But what relevance does it have for the world of today?”
     I’m glad you asked.  There isn’t space or time to go into it here, but there is a parallel, very much so in a contemporary way.

Well, here we are at getting on for 1,000 words, which is well over the usual amount.  I’m typing this up at work, and will conceivably add a few more words at home once I load up the pictures.  So much for brevity being the soul of wit!
-      Hang on, did Windbag Willy come up with that one?  Dog Buns!  He did, and in “Hamlet”, too.  Damn that Coincidence Hydra!
Image result for the hydra
Reprise.  And still no pics of Conrad's rear

*  Don’t worry, it has a chaperone.

**  Opinions vary on this.

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