Teanage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Heh.  Not Sorry About That

Here a confession; I actually thought this title up yesterday but had so thoroughly committed to the “A Bridge Tea Far” that I decided to curb my enthusiasm and go for that one instead.  Still, as your humble scribe is nothing if not frugal, and because we have a word count to hit, here we are.

     Here an aside.  Conrad has not seen any of these wretched movies, nor the television series either, and does not intend to ever do so, and does not feel that his life is any the poorer for this omission.  I cannot bring myself to condemn the comics, because Matt Howarth has been involved with them in the distant past.

I found proof!

     Here an aside to the aside.  Take a look at that expensive coffee-table DC hardback of “Batman” you got last week and look at the inside cover.  See all those names?  Everything from Vice President In Charge Of Pencils to Assistant Scrummage Editorial Assistant’s Assistant.  That’s Corporate Comics for you.  Not so Matt Howarth!  Matt is a one-man independent artist who is his very own Vice President In Charge Of Pencil Sharpening, if it so pleases you.

     Where was I?  Sorry, the party going on in my head makes it hard to concentrate at times.

Help! I Have A Dog On My Lap

Edna, of course, firmly holds to the belief that all human life is there to entertain her, and if not to entertain her (NO!  AWAY WITH YOU AND YOUR HIDEOUSLY SQUEAKY TOY BONE!) then to lie upon, which is why, if she were to take over the world, every laptop in existence would be in a landfill, quick smart.  Art?

     Here we have an excellent excuse for your modest artisan not doing anything.  Obvious, isn’t it?

     “Sorry, dear, I can’t make dinner, I have a dog on my lap.”

     “Gardening?  Sorry, not possible – there’s this dog on my lap.”

     “Walk the dog?  Sorry, I – EDNA YOU TRAITOR!”

Behold The Biscuit

Betty Crocker’s gluten-free biscuit mix.  All your humble scribe did was add an egg and a smidgeon of oil, although they needed a bit of babying in the oven, as they went in on two separate baking trays.

     “How can that be complicated?” I hear you sneer.

     Well, I can tell you’ve never baked.  With two trays present the baking time will be extended, and you need to swap trays over halfway through, to ensure both bake evenly rather than the one on top getting over-browned whilst it’s inferior cousin is still raw.

Manchester

Defined.  I think the city’s motto is “Concilio et Labore est”, which means “We may be bluff Northeners but our lifestyle is considerably less stressed than them Southern jessies in London.”  Or something like that. 

     I’ve no idea what the black person wearing facepaint means, so don’t ask.  As for the other, the industrious bee is the city’s symbol, which Conrad thoroughly approves of, since he likes honey.  A lot more than chocolate, unless the chocolate is wrapped around honeycomb or toffee.

     The bees are a new mural, probably as a result of the Arena bombing, so – take that, toxic terror twods.  We may be sweet, but there is a sting in our tale.

     Also, please note that it is chucking it down in this photo, which again confirms that you are looking at Gomorrah-on-the-Irwell, where the city is more in the Irwell than on it.

The Metro

There is a saying, that even a stopped clock is right twice a day.  This is not a dig at that most honourable of professions, the horologist.  Rather, it means that you might well be a blithering idiot but the law of averages means that even you, who have to be reminded to keep breathing, can be right once in a while.

     You don’t hear this expression so much now, which your humble scribe blames on digital technology, since the Devil Box in all it’s forms uses the 24 hour clock system.

The lovable scamp!

     Of course, none of the above has anything to do with Michael Keaton, whom features in The Metro’s “60 Seconds” page.  Conrad approves of Michael, which will no doubt come as a mighty relief to him – hang on, let me check if Ben Folds is still alive – Phew!  He is, the poison was neutralised by the gamma radiation – although I’ve not seen that thing he was in recently that won those awards.  No, I still remember him as that shocking bio-exorcist Beetlejuice, in “Beetlejuice”.

     Sandworms, eh?  Doncha just hate ‘em?

     Where was I?  Damn, this party in my head can be intrusive at times.

CAUTION!  Not suitable as a domestic pet

     Ah!  And we are at count.  Pip pip!