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Saturday 23 September 2017

Octyphoopussy

Ha!
I suppose I need to quantify that one a little, as those of you who live in those blighted, benighted lands that lie beyond the shores of the Allotment of Eden may not be familiar with Typhoo, which is a brand of tea here.
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The Allotment ("The Pond" if it's raining)
     I'm pretty sure I've blogged about this previously.  Give me a moment - ah!  Yes, all the way back from 2014, so I am going to shamelessly copy and paste it, because:

Tea!  Indian Or Chinese, It's Still Oh-So British
     Conrad - thanking the muses for a double dose of bus-powered inspiration - saw another poster on a bus rear** featuring Typhoo.
     Now, Typhoo is part of the British cultural landscape and has been for over a century.  This hide-in-plain-sight factor has blinded everyone except Conrad to the real question about Typhoo:  where the hell does the name come from?
     No!  It's not derived from a Typhoon.  As Darling Daughter observed, "Who would buy a tea called "Typhoon"?"
     A quick resort to Google-fu revealed that the name derives from Chinese, the word for doctor pronounced "Dai-Fu".
     BOOJUM!  Admit it - the world would be a duller place without it.

     - this way you get a valuable insight into the creative process as it works in the mind of your humble scribe.  Also, it ups the word count, yet that is but a by-product*.
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Well, something's brewing here.  A storm at tea?

Ooo-er, Matron!
I refer, of course, to those classic examples of British culture, the 'Carry On' films, which are compulsory viewing for any who seek to gain British citizenship*. They were full of smutty innuendo, which obviously - obviously! - we cannot replicate here on BOOJUM! as we cherish our SFW status.  This status is not something we are going to risk, so when you read a title like "Long Rod Penetrator", you'd better believe we are talking technically about anti-tank ammunition.
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Sic.  Sick!

     "Can you hurry up, aged typist?" I hear you quibble.  "We need to shell the peas before 'Strictly' comes on."
     Pausing only to condemn your choice of televisual entertainment, I shall explicate.
     As you know, Conrad is passionately, possibly worryingly, interested in things that go BANG.  Hence all the mentions of nuclear and thermonuclear weapons, yet how I DO NOT HAVE ANY OF THEM, MI5, UNIT AND SPECTRUM*.  So, it was with an air of surprise that, last week, I came across the "Continuous Rod SAM".
     I know, I know - it sounds rather like the pseudonym of a actor in the <ahem> adult film industry, but No!  It is a variety of warhead as used when trying to shoot down aircraft.  Art?
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Rod doing his thing

     That above demonstrates what a CRS is and does.  At heart, it is an explosive core, around which are arrayed a pattern of metal rods welded together in a zig-zag pattern, although when inert they are so close together that you can't see any seams or welds.
     When fired as a SAM (Surface to Air Missile**) warhead, the CRS warhead will detonate if it gets into close enough proximity to said aircraft.  Now, aircraft may look big and butch and bulletproof -
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Ah - that idiot Art at work.  Excuse me -

<sounds of Tazer cannon being used, smells of flesh getting ionized>

    TO REPEAT!  Said aircraft may look to be big and invulnerable, yet they are most definitely not.  The CRS expands at frightening speed, into a giant metal hoop that, if it hits said aircraft, will cut it in half.  Art?
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Unmanned drone jet target, in case you were worried


How To Put It?
My friend Mandy has just posted on FB that she was stung by a wasp whilst out in the garden collecting apples.  She is regularly bitten by the blood-sucking fiends that inhabit her particular corner of the hellish Prestwich radioactive deserts.  Obviously she went out without the council-recommended protective gear.  Art?
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Mandy and Trev get ready to mow the lawn
     I did point out that she ought to be wearing a HAZMAT suit and wielding, at the very least, a flamethrower, and an aerosol pesticide, with Trev backing her up as the armed overwatch manning a Browning .50 calibre.
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More practical than a hoe in Prestwich

*  Honest.
**  No, I don't know why they don't call it a "STAM".

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