Give An Inch, Take a Yard

Literally And Metaphorically
If you follow the blog with any regularity then you know that Conrad is forever bewailing the tendency of the house cat to come plonk herself down upon him, or the books he is reading or the notes he is making.  She seems to function under the misapprehension that her sheer catlike awesomeness entitles her to pole position.  Art?

Evidence

     As I said, taking a yard when offered an inch.  Not only that, she manages an incredibly smug purr that doubtless translates as "Yes, foolish human?"
     Your humble scribe, or human-shaped cushion, whichever is most appropriate, is also a comfort of second-resort for Edna Wunderhund.  When cast upon the flinty-hearted mercies of Conrad, she prefers to sulk outside the Upstairs Lair, usually in the hallway, heaving a heavy sigh every so often.  Just so you know how she feels about the Wicked Neglectful Humans.  Art?

Just out of shot - Conrad the convenient seat

     Now that we're out in the yard* allow me to post a picture of Wonder Wifey's delicately-nursed greens:

Voila

     I know what you're thinking:  "That's grey, and, whilst a kind of growth, not really what we expected."
     Yes, I concur, Richard Mansur.  I had set the camera for "Beauty shot" in order to provide evidence that I'd had a haircut, as we all know what cynical skeptics you lot are.  Then I sat down to check photos and so went back to get a shot of Lollo Rosso:

Yes they are supposed to look like that

     The strawberries are also coming on.  Art?

Note protection from birds

     You can't see it in this shot but there is anti-slug tape around the pots as well.  Conrad is unsure what happens if slug comes into contact with this tape - explodes?  combusts?  goes green and rots away in seconds? - but I will let you know if I find out.
     About time to start the motley, I believe!

Proof!  Proof I Tell You!
Unless you have the memory span of a mango you will recall my dire warnings about that comet 67P, and discoveries that threaten all life on earth.  Well, it's not gone away and I reiterate my warnings.  Art?

See?

     We here at the Mansion are protected by the barbed wire and minefields, and we can retreat to the Upper Dungeon if need be, but I worry about you my readers**.  

Colour Me Flattered
Emily, one of the charming young ladies I work with, said that Sophie (the Pusheen lady not the baker) had recommended that she get a preview of any complaints letter I send to First Bus.  So far I have sent two, the first being lost to history as it was longhand and I took no copies.  The second one was knocking around somewhere, although it was tricky to locate. Finally it cropped up under a post from last August, and here it is:

"Dear Sir, Madam or Other

                                        Just as drama derives from conflict, so surely must excitement derive from uncertainty.

     At least, this is how I understand the administrative and planning functions of First Bus operate.

       "Won't it be so much more EXCITING if our passengers enjoy that frisson of uncertainty!"

     I also suppose your managers agreed.

     "Reliability and timetables are so blase!  What passengers need is a little sampling of the eternal chaos that drives the universe."

     Thus the 24, 181 and 182 services are become - erratic.  And that's being kind.

     Let us examine your slogan "Get on board with First Bus".

     Firstly, to be able to get on a First Bus, it needs to be there.  A small point, perhaps, yet quite important.

     Next, there is the issue of being physically able to board the bus.  The 24 service runs only every 30 minutes and is consequently totally "rammed" with standing-room only being the rule, not the exception.

     

     - here an aside.  Are the Master Timetables engraved on granite?  Or stone? Etched, perhaps, on a sheet of platinum?  Never to be altered?  Because the 24 maintains the same frequency at rush hour as at noon.  At these times when travellers are greatest in number, when logic would dictate more buses - "Ah", says First Bus management.  "Our timetables were laid down by our ancestors in times long past.  We dare not amend them for fear of offending the gods."  One supposes you have to consult the entrails of a goat before altering a schedule?

(A Transcription of a Timetable and Route Meeting)

     SENECA: Forsooth, Tarquin!  The omens are not propitious!  This goat's liver has three lobes to it.

     TARQUIN: Aye, Seneca.  Last night a black cat crossed my path, and there were owls.

     SENECA: So - we ignore the roadworks and use the same route?

     Back to your slogan "Get on board".

     Thirdly, it's no use me getting on a service that is supposed to go to Rochdale but stops in Royton, or which should go to Shaw and which stops in Chadderton at random.  Do your drivers get an Arbitrary Destination Alteration bonus?

     Lastly, and I make this point because I am not convinced that First Bus's HQ staff actually understand the world of work - as they are all independently wealthy and only come into the office to stave off boredom - but those of us who catch the bus of a morning are usually trying to get into our place of employment.

     Big hint: employers like employees to arrive ON TIME.

Let us amend your slogan to one a little more accurate.  "Get on A board".  The board in question being a skateboard, a far more efficient, reliable and accommodating form of transport than First Bus."

     This is not simply trying to up the word count by underhand means***,  as I need to know what themes I've been harking and yarking about to avoid repetition.  Also, I know how to start the next letter.  "Dear Sir, Madam or Vadataja -" the latter being a minor demon in Lithuanian folklore, best known for it's decoying of travellers^.  Which seemed wholly appropriate.

That's sent us wildly over count, so I shall stop there and leave you with this -

67P.  Sinister dastard, ain't it?

*  Do you see what - o you do.
**  Where else would I get traffic from?
*** Mostly not simply trying to up the word count by underhand means.
^  I think this is mostly correct although I may have embellished a little.