I'm Conrad. And I'm Very, Very Bad

Rhyming And Criming!
That's me, down to a "T", just bursting with criminality.
   For starters, there's that library book I still haven't taken back after 6 months.  I pinched an envelope at work to send my complaint letter to First Bus.  I crossed against the lights on Miller Street - twice!  Plus, my previous Sunday post referred in the title to Doctor Doom and I never did the "SWTPD" article on him.
     Also I'm an alien spy in diguise plotting to take over your planet and send all of you who escape the Organ Banks to the Mind Control Processing Centres*.
     Let the motley begin!

Conrad, with his laser eyes a-primed

What's In A Name?
A lot, if you intend to call your prize-winning bloom the Stinking Bog Asphodel, a.k.a. a rose**.  However, this is nothing to do with flowers and rather more about television - which you can argue serves a similar purpose, to sit in the corner of the room and look good.

The Bog Asphodel.  It exists.  Who knew!

     Enough of what passes for wit at the Mansion!  
     Okay, Conrad was browsing television channels yesterday, which is unusual in itself, and he came across "Ideal World" and a programme entitled thus: "Hoover Vortex Weekend Special".
     What a great title!  I can see it as an instrumental track on the next Chemical Brothers album, unless Hoover get twitchy about it.  Okay, perhaps Simian Mobile Disco, they're a bit lower profile and Hoover might not hear about it.

"Honestly officer, those are salt tablets."

Cetylpyridinium Chloride
As mentioned in today's earlier post, what on earth is this devilish-sounding chemical concoction?  Hopefully it is wonderfully safe, as it's in the mouthwash I use every day.  If you want the full story, check out the details over at Wikipedia:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cetylpyridinium_chloride

  Actually, it isn't completely safe, as there is a toxic limit of about 4000 doses.  If we guesstimate a single bottle as having 50 doses, you'd need to swallow 80 bottles to waft off this mortal coil, and wise old Conrad would guess you've be having the raging heaves after only a couple.

Mouthwash is DULL.
Have an exploding lawnmower instead.

The Premier League
"What's this!?" I hear you exclaim.  "Conrad is well known for his utter dislike, detestation and dismissal of football.  Why is he mentioning football?"
     Because you can't get away from it at the moment!

Except maybe here.
(Lovely Bruce Pennington artwork, by the way)

     It's covering The Metro thanks to a wrap-around cover, which is arguably an improvement.  It's been on the sides of buses, on television and work colleagues are sounding disgustingly chipper about the whole business.
     Dog Buns! Is Conrad's considered calculated comment.

"Excoriating"
What does this word mean? It popped into Conrad's head whilst making a pot of tea.
     Almost inevitably, it derives from Latin.  "Ex" meaning "Out" and "Corium" meaning "Skin", which then became "Excoriare", and then "Excoriate".  It means to damage or remove skin, literally, which is the opposite of today's earlier "Emollient".
     More to Conrad's taste, it can also mean "harsh criticism", which he loves to deliver.


Supervillains With Their Pants Down
And Conrad returns to Doctor Doom, as promised earlier today.  I'm sure you are all familiar with the evil Doctor, but just in case, a reminder:

A bit of a poser, one suspects

     Victor Von Doom.  What a ghastly misnomer!  Because he always loses to the Fantastic Four.  Ought to be Loser Von Doom.
     Anyway, enough wibbling.  What, in the real world, would be the bad doctor's daily quotidian problems and bothers?  Why I thought you'd never ask!
     1) Rust.  I am assuming we're talking about steel armour, aren't we?  We might call it oxidization instead, yet the point holds.  Dr Doom had better avoid the seaside, or else rub his armour down with oils.  Which sounds - wrong.
     2)  Person-to-person communication.  Since Doctor Doom's face-mask is made of metal, he's not going to be giving out any non-verbal cues, which could be disastrous on his date.
     3)  Furniture.  Since BOOJUM! maintains a firm moral stance we shall not detail the consequences of bathroom fitments, but the Doctor will need reinforced seating, and this is VERY IMPORTANT! because nothing destroys the self-worth and image of a dictator more than sitting on the floor amidst a lot of wooden splinters.

Er - yeah.

     4) Airport Metal Detectors.  This is probably why the Doctor took over his home country, the dreadful imposition of needing to remove his armour every time he took a plane.  You and I have to remove our shoes, which is bad enough.  Poor Victor would need a tin opener and a couple of hours before he got through the checks.
     5) Sarcasm.  Come on, it's human nature, how could you resist such an obvious target?  I suppose being killed to death would put people off, but only until the next time.
     6)  Latvians.  Supposedly Doom comes from "Latveria", which is close enough for the Latvian government to take an interest and perhaps a legal challenge - 150 million zlotys or they sue!  And they're part of NATO now, so Doom would be best advised to swallow his pride and pay up, not invade them.
     7)  Halloween or New Year's Eve.  Because, inevitably as sarcasm, there will come drunken revellers out and about, who would see Doom's mask as an invitation to remove it. Of course he'd be a fool to venture forth on such nights, but then he's from Latveria and they probably don't party at all there.

Okay, he's swigging from a flagon, perhaps he does party.
But why does he have a belt?

* Just so you know.  And no, MI5 won't believe you.
**  I have used this joke before, but since I am acknowledging it, that's okay