No, tonight you get the blog whether you wanted it or not, in fact especially if you didn't want it, har-har Vladimir!
I'm on a tight schedule tonight, there's a bake in the oven - Hello Dolly Bars - and then the blog, obviously - obviously! - and then I've got a CV to knock into shape as my old one is from 2 years ago and simply won't do.
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| Seedy. Close enough |
What's that I hear you asking? Why a CV? Well, it embarrasses me to say so, but even us World Dictators In Waiting have to put in a formal application to Take Over The World Vetting Services to see if we've got what it takes. You know, ruthlessness, originality, whether you can narrow your eyes in a scary manner, witty throwaway quips - those are really hard to come up with on the spur of the moment, you know, and you can't go back a couple of days later with a real zinger you thought up after blowing up the Moon.
Anyway, we have a lot to get through tonight, so let the motley begin!
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| Tagline: "Oops!" |
"My Mother The Car"
Did I invent this programme? Is it some strange fever dream? Did it ever exist?
Yes it did. In fact it has been voted the second worst television programme ever made (pipped at the post by "Jerry Springer"), and you must admit the concept is right out of a drunken party at three in the morning after the host has passed out in the reflecting pool.
What is the concept? Right there in the title. Jerry Van Dyke's mum is reincarnated* as a car. She talks to him, and only he can hear her.
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| Presto |
Personally, were I to find a car speaking solely to myself and nobody else, I would immediately make an appointment with a psychiatrist. A talking horse, of course, is a beast of an entirely different colour.
That Creepy Coincidence From Tuesday
This referred to the "60 Seconds" article in the Metro, which - winningly! - featured Helen Hunt, the actress and now director. She said that the film world originally wouldn't accept that people who worked in television could also work in films. She had dealt with this stigma as she'd been a television actress in "The Two Of Us", co-starring Paul Reiser.
HELLO! Who had I just been banging on about in the article on "And Then There Were None" but - Paul Reiser.
Phil? Phil! What's going on?
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| "Sorry, Conrad, the aliens are busy with Phil, so you got me, Jerry Pournelle, instead". |
Eeek. In the presence of the founder of Death Industries, Inc. I now regret that crack about the Moon exploding.
"Death On The Nile"
I have been watching this over a couple of nights so far, and my notes make interesting reading.
"25 minutes in and NO MURDER!"
"35 minutes in and NO MURDER!"
"43 minutes in AND STILL NO MURDER!"
The last note concludes:
"1 hour and 4 minutes. FINALLY!"
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| How many will die? Hopefully LOTS**! |
Of course I'm not really that bloodthirsty**.
All The Pens
As you know, Conrad likes a bit of ice cream for breakfast, although given the length of his bus journey from home to the Electric Goldfish Bowl, it is often a bit melted by the time it arrives. This means buying a Cornetto from the shop and they cost 90p with the staff discount. So today I experimented and packed a generic Morrisons Toffee Ice Cream Cone in my lunchbag (Sheridan the Screaming Skull) and it survived, if still a little melted.
None of this has anything to do with pens, except I got told off by Sophie***for having too many of them, and people have been picking on me for have an ice cream breakfast. The reason, Sophie, is because my shirt has two pockets today so I can carry 15 pens easily.
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| Behold my sPendour*. |
There were another 10 on my desk as backup in case there was a case of Mass Running Out Of Ink.
Flantastic Four*
Ah, dear me, how wicked of your scribe to rub his hands gleefully and chortle "Schaudenfreude" repeatedly of this film.
This definitely alarmed the other passengers on the bus and I won't do it again.
"Schadenfreude" means "Malicious enjoyment of other people's misfortune", and perhaps "An unholy fascination at seeing a trainwreck as it happens."
It's IMDB rating hasn't dropped below 3.9, which is damning with faint praise. The box office take has risen to $45 million, which might sound like a lot, except they were hoping for $50 million in the opening weekend, not two weeks down the line. The quoted budget of $120 million doesn't appear to include the costs of the re-shoots, which took more time than the principal filming!
| Look! The Flantastic Four! |
In a couple of months, expect studio heads to roll for this performance.
Now, over at IMDB the forum for this film has the usual trolls, plus apparently a few paid studio shills bleating about how good the film is, but it also has some very long, detailed and extremely interesting threads from "Trollinthedungeon" about FF. They're back at Page 10 or thereabouts and are a fascinating insight into film production and promotion. I urge you to go and read them, and here is the link:
| No, Art! Wrong Thing! I - oh never mind. |
* Did you see what I did there?
**Actually, I am.
*** Not that Sophie, this Sophie
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