- but first we have to tiptoe along in virtual fashion lest the sinister Hamster Order Of Vigilant (Eternally) Rodents attempt to suck all the surprise out of the post, as they are wont to do, and instead divert to Doctor Who.
As you cannot fail to have noticed of late, Conrad has been banging on about his Doctor Who advent calendar and the various villains concealed behind it. If nothing else, it pads the blog out a bit.
So, here is today's, perhaps more properly toady's, entry behind Door Number Eighteen:
Anyway, as you can see in the upper left, these monsters are starting to take up some serious room, so whilst Conrad was off at work, Wonder Wifey went at the Secondary Christmas tree and decorated it thus:
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| Decorations of mickle might |
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| - the Weeping Angel - |
"Cerements"
You know how your brain goes into strange spasms when you awaken in the morning?* Well this word cropped up at 6:22 a.m. What is it? No idea, and I didn't have time to check before rushing the ablutions and eating crumpet with a glass of cold water.
Now I come to check, and what does it mean?
"A waxed cloth to wrap a corpse in"
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| NO! Get it right! |
Mossberg: they make shotguns and rifles, artefacts designed to put people into cerements.
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| Art Department, my patience is getting strained ... |
Wassily Kandinsky
I have been accused in the past of a touch of elitism here on BOOJUM! - to which I would retort that anyone who enjoys cheesy black-and-white sci-fi films, 2000AD the comic, and Biggles, cannot be regarded as intellectual firepower of the highest order.
Although - I did recognise the artwork on Google yesterday as Kandinsky, even to the extent of knowing his first name. I like his work, and that of Juan Miro.
Having established my impeccable critical credentials, I shall now go off and read the "Cracked" website.
The Ironic Alarm
Conrad strode into work this morning at 8:20, got a jar of Marmite and a bottle of lemonade and went to pay for them. I say "strode" because the eternally-revolving front doors** were still and parted wide open, possibly because a small platform had been erected in the atrium.
There was evidence that the shelf-stackers in the shop had vanished at speed, and there were no staff at the tills.
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| Not quite as creepy as this, but getting there |
Up on floor Seven, the only people present were Conrad and Roxy. By this time the clock had advanced to 8:30. Where was everybody? There ought to be a dozen staff present.
Well, before 8:00 the fire alarm had gone off and the building was evacuated because of a flood. Many of those who were imperilled on the seventh floor suffered extensive soaking. Not because of the flood but because it was raining lions and wolves outside***.
They were warned not to come back before 9:00.
I know, I know, I can tell what you're thinking - but if they called it "bulimic latte" that would be really offen - Oh! Sorry, you mean how did Conrad and other staff get in at 8:20 instead of being turned back?
Well, it's quite worrying, really. The only kind of creature not to need fear drowning in a flood is, obviously - obviously! - a zombie. Because it's already dead. So some - and who knows how many! - of Conrad's work colleagues are zombies, who were let through in order to get to work despite the flooding. Makes sound business sense, really, as they don't need to get paid, except in brains.
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| His excuse: "It's just a bad hangover." "Got any Brains?" |
The Monkees: Philosophers For Our Times
Conrad was plodding his way to work down Miller Street this morning, under a sky that resembled porridge made with petrol and ink^: grey.
Not only that, there had been a lot of rain, so there were a lot of puddles, all reflecting back that dreary sky.
"Wow", thought Conrad, "Very monochrome. Shades of grey.^^"
"Today there is no black or white,
Only shades of grey."
as the lovable foursome sang. Well Davy Jone was British, he knew what he was talking about.| Shades and Grey. Close enough. |
A Little Lyrical Analysis
Grudgingly, Conrad will accept that it's nearly Christmas and in the spirit of goodwill he won't pick on Simon and Garfunkel today.
No, today we will analyse "Jingle Bells" in the usual BOOJUM! way - hatefully and with prejudice. Take it away Choir Section:
"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells"
You needn't repeat it! I'm neither deaf nor senile, thank you very much.
"Jingle all the way"
No, this won't do. You can jingle at the start, and at the end, and you may have a very short jingle in the middle. Otherwise it's a noise abatement order.
"oh what fun it is to ride"
You are being presumptuous. Perhaps I don't think it fun? Certainly not in light of this:
"In a one-horse open sleigh"
It's winter, it's literally freezing, this badly-designed mode of transport has no protection against the elements - and with only one horse it will be very slow. Hello happy hypothermia!Bah. That's enough. I'm off to eat some mints.
Rapid Vienna
Thank you for being so patient. Okay, here we have Rapid Vienna:
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| Cars and trucks and trains at rush hour. |
For contrast here we have Slow Vienna:
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| Two brake horsepower |
* I don't want to know if this is unique to Conrad. We will assume it is not, okay?
** Probably powered by hamsters.
*** Like cats and dogs but more so.
^ Delicious! But deadly to humans.
^^ If you refer to That Book I shall send Mister Hand around to belabour you with a bamboo skewer.
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