Late Final

I Apologise For Bothering You Twice In One Day
 - but only a little, and that not very sincerely.  After all, how is it possible to have too much BOOJUM! in your pallid, humdrum, greyscale lives, when it brings joy alarm confusion all of the previous into your living room?
     For this Intro, allow me to present Jenny -

Cat in a box

     Never happier than when she is hiding in a box, which is the unalloyed truth.  She hid in a big green box on the kitchen table for hours.  Entirely happy at being situated thus, she seems to have been inspired to try and fit into the box of loose paper that sits at my feet.
     Cats: if they're not creeping and peeping, they're sneaking and peeking.

Damstom
Some of the recommended posts on Facebook are beyond baffling, and more into the realm of "Surreal Nonsense We Associated With You Because We're Bonkers".  For this instance, viz:

Damn.

     Damstom, if you can't read the small print, specialise in clamps.  As the advert says, "With these handy clamps, you can eliminate the frustrations of gluing up wide panels."
     Excuse me?  When the blue flying flip did Conrad ever express frustration about gluing up panels of any variety, let alone wide ones?  The only panels Conrad bothers about are the ones that occur in comics.
     The portable sawmill pimping I can understand - Conrad had looked at a video of a car-engined chainsaw that cut through wood so he deserved being annoyed about sawmills*, but this?  When have I ever looked at things that need clamping!

The Biter Bit
Whilst cruising through Twitter, Conrad espied a picture in Bruce Campbell's Twitter feed that he felt deserved comment:

Taken from the "Evil Dead" and it's iterations

     Without any irony, I present my insight:"I'm glad that these people have a hobby that keeps them off the streets!"
     Which thought then came back to bite him on the behind, as what are you reading and what has your Erstwhile Scribe been writing?
     Yeah, truly, if Conrad were not regaling you with nonsense in written form, he'd be out using a lump hammer on bus-stop windows or putting fireworks into postboxes.

Oh the irony .... **

Consumerist Matters
Conrad rarely makes written complaints, as the pen is mightier than the sword and his sending in a three-page letter to First Bus' HR might cause people to throw themselves from office windows***, but on the odd occasion he does address a muted understated whinge.  This one will be about a certain large supermarket chain's "Shave Gel".

What?  It better not be too sensitive - I am about to criticise!

     This isn't so much a gel as a - well, "slime" would be nearer the truth.  It flows from the can in a liquid form, and when applied to the face, it flows off same with great rapidity.
     Conrad suspects his old chemistry teacher would have criticised it as having too few Hydrogen bonds.

No!  Not modern art.
Well - maybe.  Make me an offer

G.O.O.H.W.Y.D.
Nobody has yet come up with an explanation for this bizarre acronym, so Conrad is forced, obviously - obviously! - to suggest what his brain may have been thinking on the day in question.
  Thus - Great Osprey Over Heavenly West Yorkshire Dales.
  I even have picture proof:


     Yes, it's not actually soaring in the skies above West Yorkshire, I give you that.  Hang on, whose blog is it?  Away with your carping^!  And the link that proves I AM RIGHT:
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/nikita-the-stellers-sea-eagle-on-the-loose-in-yorkshire-dales-9088118.html
     Reet!

Balancing The Books
Well, we've had a big up for Yorkshire, so I feel obligated to come back with a bit of Lancaster:

Da bomb

* PORTABLE sawmills, let us not forget!
** Sorry!
*** Ground floor only.  BOOJUM! is merciful.
^ Sea Eagle - Osprey - diet of fish - aaagh, do I have to draw a picture!