Conrad: Cautiously Concerned

For Why?
Well, the maker of film's most terrifying documentaries, John Carpenter, has been reportedly "on tour" this year, which is simply a cover story, isn't it?  Because why else would he have taken time out from his touring schedule in the UK to visit Little Plumpton, hmmmm?  There is clearly more going on there than meets the eye, I shouldn't wonder.  Merely fracking, indeed!  

Look at it, acting all innocent

     You'd think the Government of Perfidious Albion would know better, after the unpleasant surprises they experienced from Project Inferno.  After all, if it was on 'Doctor Who' then it must be true, right?
      - hang on, what's the Norwegian for "Norway"?
      Wait one, for there is more of Conrad's causes for concern.  Firstly, I am still waiting for a third series of "Spaced" - but that's not what we're here for.  Art?

A Cake

     Take a good look and give a muted cheer, for this cake was not baked by your humble scribe's hot sweaty hands, but by Wonder Wifey's.  True, it was made from a Betty Crocker packet mix, but it's still the thin end of the wedge as far as I'm concerned.  
     So, you can understand why Conrad is concerned.
     Now, Mister Pegg, if you can stop being an international film star for a month or two -

Men of good taste!

An Aha! Moment
No!  Not the Norwegian band - you have Norway on the brain, you do - although perhaps I should have put "A lightbulb moment".
     Last night I was blathering on in a stream-of-consciousness that kind of became a river, about trying to locate a particular comic strip to do with Fear.
     I may have found it!  It wasn't in "Eagle", but rather in an annual called "TV 21", from 1973.  Art?


     Number 10 on the list - "The Fear Makers".  Too much of a coincidence to not be what I was looking for.  I'm so excited!*

I Thought You Said REALLY Big Guns?
As someone who has studied History, Conrad can tell you that Nazi Germany, far from being the epitomy of organisation that it purported to be, was run more like a gangster's fiefdom at times than a twentieth century nation.  It's not surprising that they lost; after all, if you take on the world's biggest empire, the world's biggest economy and the world's biggest army, you are unlikely to prevail.  The higher you went in the Third Reich, the more chaotic and disorganised things became.  Herr Hitler never trusted anyone and always had people competing against each other for political favour, or for his ear, or his approval - a positively feudal approach.

CAUTION: mocking dictators may get you added to a death list.

     Thus we come to the V3, which you may not have heard of, as it was a pretty dismal failure.  The V1 and V2 were impressive technical achievements, if woefully inaccurate.  The V3 was intended to be a whacking big gun capable of firing shells at such velocity that they'd hit London from France.

The idea

     The concept was to detonate lots of separate charges behind the shell as it accelerated up the barrel, thus having it whiz out at tremendous velocity, except the test gun fired 8 rounds and blew up.
     Enter Herr Hitler.  He wanted to shell London really really badly, and he waved his hands imperiously and said "Build me some V3 guns" and the lackeys got busy.  They excavated hills and built underground railways and stored ammunition and laid down the gun tubes - which could not be moved, and would therefore only be able to hit one target - and generally went to a lot of trouble.
     Enter the RAF.  "Hello Mister V3, say hello to my Tallboy", this boy being a 5 ton monster of a bomb.
     Exit the V3.

Pre-RAF

     Given the time and resources that went into trying to create these things, Her Hitler did his opponents a favour, really, which I bet he was loth to admit.  

 - Oh, I didn't tell you, did I?  The Norwegian for Norway is "Norge", which I remember now is on the side of that helicopter in "The Thing", which Art will now illustrate -


     I cannot fathom the politics and behind the scenes chicanery that took place to deprive John Carpenter of Oscar for "Best Documentary" for this film ; the M8s appreciate him rather better than the South Canadian film industry.
     This is where we came in, and that makes it time to take my leave.  Later!

* And sad.  And an anorak.