- you low-life, gutter-press, crimson-craving gorehounds. I know what you were expecting to see - Peter Cushing battling giant vampire were-moths - but Ha! For you have been suckered into viewing nothing of the sort.
| "Peter's attempt at Kung-Fu was, frankly, rather weak." |
Only the old and bold - or the well-informed - amongst you will, at this point, have any idea about what your humble scribe is going on about.
"Terrible!" the rest of you will be saying, or more probably muttering, lest you run the risk of being comminuted. "Terrible! Only back on the sauce for a day and already he's lost it. Tragic. Should have seen -
YES THANK YOU! for your vote of confidence in Conrad's critical ability and liver-capacity.
Where was I? O yes. "The Blood Beast Terror" is a film, I'll have you know. A Hammer-knock off about a scientist who creates a killer giant blood-drinking lepidoptera that also doubles as an attractive young lady*. Peter?
| Strictly for the birds - |
None of this has any bearing on what I actually intended.
Let me illustrate my point:
I think you'll agree this object is resplendent in it's redness. Very scarlet. Positively crimson. There, that's the metaphorical "blood" explained away.
Secondly, unlike your average foam-rubber tomato, this one has eyes. Eyes! Which by default means it's an animal not a vegetable, and therefore a beast.
The third part concerns Conrad's workplace, which I apologise for introducing on a Sunday evening when that kind of venue is the last thing you want to hear about. More specifically our phone application, which regularly and consistently, nay let us say predictably, freezes in operation. As you know already, Conrad exists in a normal frame of mind just short of Volcanic Rage at the best of times, so his attitude and behaviour when the phone freezes, hangs, locks and otherwise conducts a mini work-to-rule can best be guessed.
 |
| Conrad: the poster child for "Explosive anger" |
Hitherto Conrad has resorted to crude verbal insults at the phone app, as well as hitting his mouse buttons so violently that people on the floor above fear we have been stricken by earthquake.
Now, with the Stresscue Foam Rubber Tomato, all that will be a thing of the past. Now, fellow colleagues will be able to witness a middle-aged man, puce in the face with Volcanic Rage, squeezing a red object so hard it threatens to burst**. Now, rather than the muted click of a mouse button, fellow colleagues will be able to see just how Krakatoa one of Conrad's explosions of rage can be.
Doesn't that sound terrifying?
Of Television
Whilst the rest of the household was off doing domestic chores, Conrad was able to sit in the lounge and watch television. Not a thing he does every day, so whilst it might not be news to you, to your gifted author this was a little window onto a world not often encountered. Kind of like "Flight Training News" except with moving pictures.
The Advertisments: There do seem to be certain common themes amongst the adverts. Ambulance-chasing law firms out to squeeze money from the nearest available rock were notably present.
| The Blood Beast Terror: a lawyer prepares to pounce |
They imply that you, whose second cousin in Bermuda suffered a hangnail from opening a letter from the council 27 years ago, can effortlessly claim millions via their services. Money for nothing, if you like. Which is also the theme of several adverts about various lotteries. Stop press: lotteries exist because nearly all who enter them LOSE. Another point I'd like to make: Stop press: lotteries exist because nearly all who enter them LOSE. Yes, this is the same point made twice, except I used blood for the second one. Oh, and here's a couple more about loans, where borrowing £1 on 1-1-2016 can spiral to £1 x 10345 by 31-12-2016. How come I've not seen any of those ghastly old marionettes to do with Wonga recently?
I shall move onto a separate paragraph for the next advert. This is one about how effective printed promotions are. Printed promotions being pimped on television. Oh the irony. All about A6 flyers.
 |
| NO! Art, you coal-chewing buffoon - |
High Court Enforcement Team: these chaps hail from "Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away!" a programme your modest artisan has never seen before. They serve High Court orders on people, evictions, repossessions, seizure of property, all that sort of thing. My note here observes: "Dressed like the po-po, in case of any aggro, and digicams ever on the go-go."
Which is fair enough. If you turn up to turf someone out of their house, or seize thousands of pounds-worth of property against a debt, you can expect a bit of stress on the job. Conrad, as we all know, is an utter coward and shameless human pudding, and could never do this job.
 |
| Debt enforcement is depressing. Here's a happy kangaroo instead. |
* Please note Conrad's lack of terribly un-PC comments here.
** I don't know if foam rubber can burst but it's certainly going to get tested from tomorrow onwards.
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